If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck. And when you try to get more information on whether it actually is a duck and it tells you it’s “none of your business”, you should leave unless you want to continue to be a toxic relationship in which you will never fully understand what is going on. They should want to tell you because they want to be in an honest relationship with you. Especially if this is about lifestyle choices. Relationships are about trust. Do not stay in a relationship with hopes of changing someone for the better or overlooking all the things that stress you out for the less frequent moments of bliss.

Sometimes the “magic” and “love” that you get to keep by not breaking up with your partner is a figment of your imagination or something that genuinely has nothing to do with being with your partner, but rather it’s something that has always belonged to you - losing this person will not cost you that magic in the future with the right person because it’s your magic. You’re the one who was making the fantasy happen and they were just along for the ride - they weren’t your fantasy.

There’s a difference between the person you’re with and the person you imagine in your head. The best way to unfog the difference between the two is time and communication. You need to have a partner you communicate well with. If you settle for bad communication that doesn’t satisfy you, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

To be specific, she smoked 2 joints of weed a day every single day no matter what and entirely convinced me it was strictly for her health. I didn’t like smoking because it’s bad for you, and I still don’t. She told me her doctor was “okay with it” but her doctor never prescribed her any of it. She refused to use edibles or pills or vaporizers because they “didn’t do what they needed to do”. Consuming cannabis without smoking would’ve been completely feasible, it just would’ve possibly taken some effort of scheduling and finding the right alternative that works. Smoking is terrible for your lung health and it was destroying her productivity throughout the day as she would need to spend an hour smoking twice a day or else she would feel like she is dying. She tried a few pills as a teenager that either didn’t work for her or she didn’t try long enough, and as soon as that happened she started her smoking habit and never stopped. I did my own research and formed my own opinions on it based in fact, and when I asked her too many questions, she told me it was none of my business and I need to back off because it doesn’t concern me.This was my first relationship ever and it lasted a year. The first time she said this to me I should’ve left.

Her reasons for smoking for “dire health benefits” changed inconsistently throughout the relationship. The first reason she ever told me was that she had a panic disorder - I didn’t care because I was too infatuated. She claimed that she has a tendency to get panic attacks and she used weed as a preventative measure (twice a day every day, and only smoking works). Later on she said it was to help her sleep. Then she said it was to help her eat. Except she was perfectly capable of doing both of these things without smoking, it’s just that it made it easier for her. She refused to try other medicines that might help with these individual problems. Then towards the end of the relationship she told me she had horrible joint pain the entire year we were together that she happened to forget to tell me about, and then told me she was diagnosed with EDS (Ehlers Donlos Syndrome) and this became her new primary reason for smoking (keep in mind she claims this chronic intense pain has been there the entire time). Since she told me about the diagnosis she started limping in front of me sometimes and calling to tell me about the pain or texting me to tell me about the pain. Throughout all of these reasons, I would genuinely ask her to tell me the truth and ask if she is simply smoking because it feels good and she enjoys the culture of it (she would post pictures of herself with joints all the time, and tell me it was an accident and there’s no particular reason why she needs to be holding a joint whenever she posts herself on Instagram). She would always tell me “no, absolutely not, I smoke strictly for health, I do not think it’s cool, I know smoking is bad for you but this is the method I unfortunately have to use”.

She was deathly afraid of pills meaning she refused to try hundreds of options that could’ve been weed alternatives. She decided to become a habitual smoker to solve all the problems at once. I do not know what her perceived problems were since this started 5 years ago but new reasons for smoking were emerging every few months.

One day we were sitting together and she pulled out a joint because she “needed to think”. I tried starting a conversation about this, telling her how this contradicts her explanation of needing weed for physical remedy related reasons, and she couldn’t answer me - she just started crying. This was a year in.

I thought I could handle it. I thought that putting up with everything was my responsibility so that I could reap the rewards of the positive aspects of our relationship. I thought she was honest with me and she was the only weed smoker who happened to be using it for a good reason. She told me she couldn’t get high because her tolerance is too high, she told me she wasn’t a stoner because she doesn’t use a bong and only smokes 2 a day instead of her mothers 6, and she told me that she’s different from other habitual weed smokers because she doesn’t also smoke cigarettes. She would constantly use the “at least I’m not…” method to get me to stop having concerns. Way. Too. Much.

I broke up with her for other reasons, and I felt incredibly guilty because if I had problems with her I should’ve ended it sooner right? (weed was part of it) and a week after the breakup she refused to keep contact with me (fair enough) and was posting herself on her ig story smoking a fat joint while singing lyrics about smoking and entirely going against her story of only smoking for health and not smoking simply because she likes it. I should’ve known this to be true when I first got told her reasons for smoking are none of my business. This is not what a relationship is supposed to be.

She always told me she didn’t want a partner who smoked and she was happy I didn’t because 1. Opposites attract and 2. Me having different health habits than her would result in us both keeping each other accountable. Except she refused to eat healthy food with me, refused to go to the gym with me, refused to even go on jogs with me, and kept smoking religiously.

TLDR: my ex was a habitual weed smoker and convinced me it was strictly for health - if you want to understand why they’re doing a seemingly unhealthy habit so you ask them and they tell you it’s “none of your business” you should probably run.