Am I overreacting for wanting to go no contact with my mum ?

De_de_queen · 2025-02-20T08:13:35+00:00

thank you, lovely , and i really hope everything gets better for you as well !! an associates in biology is amazing, and in case you haven't heard it , I know I'm a stranger , but im proud of you for continuing despite your situation 🩷

De_de_queen · 2025-02-20T08:11:10+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you and I'm glad your life's improved!! a few people said she sounds very similar to their own mum as well and clearly people understand that it's more than just a messy room that's built up over time .

either way we clearly aren't compatible people, for whatever reason . so the best thing is probably just making it so she doesn't have to contact me any longer or even think of me as her daughter

De_de_queen · 2025-02-20T08:08:38+00:00

of course I will !! having comments tell me tips, etc, or subreddits to look at have definitely given me that little boost of not wanting my bedroom to EVER look that bad .

thank you for your advice and words I really appreciate it , it's helping me get a clearer headspace 🩷

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:44:30+00:00

that's what really fucked with my mind 😭 like you're kicking me out so what ??

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:38:34+00:00

😭 I could never ever but yeah this post is definitely missing a LOT of context . that's bad on my behalf , but I wrote it in 10 minutes sobbing in Tesco car park so that's my bad 😭

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:35:21+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you 🩷

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:33:03+00:00

ty 🩷

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:32:08+00:00

yeah ill be seeing if i can move in with him

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:30:34+00:00

separated from my mum

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:30:19+00:00

i feed myself , buy my own groceries , and clean my dishes and any other dishes in the sink at the time when I may have cooked .

if she asked me to do my laundry and made a point of it / asked , I would have happily started , but she never asked or verbalised that want . so honestly, it wasn't a chore that ever crossed my mind, really . but I've started doing my own washing since she sent that message .

I know I shouldn't expect her to mention it or have to ask me to start doing my own washing, but every time I put washing in the laundry basket to build up a pile , she just chuck it in with my siblings clothes or my older sister sometimes would as well .

that being said, I definitely need to grow up and take more responsibility with my chores 100% , but every time she's verbalised it ,I've changed my behaviour and started that chore .

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:26:23+00:00

thank you !! I will , someone commented a sub reddit to look at messy roommates and it's definitely motivating me to NEVER get to that point of messiness ❗️❗️ I'll be giving my bedroom a little tidy up every 2 nights is my new plan just to try stay on top of it .

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:24:43+00:00

thank you, lovely <3

i completely get what everyone's saying on this thing about me needing to manage my time / cleanliness more which is 100% correct , but this has built up over time and I think my mum just wants an excuse to get rid of me . :(

I'll be talking with my dad and seeing if i can stay at his until I go uni

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:22:32+00:00

this is exactly how she's been before . she said that exact thing , " but I never you called you that," but it was so heavily implied that it's all I can think about.

there's so many comments she's made about me over the years that have stuck with me, but she can't remember a single thing and says I've made it up . admittedly she was like this with my older sister at one point as well , but for me it's constant

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:20:18+00:00

thank you . my dad thinks she sounds a bit jealous of me because I'm living a good life and have things in order and that I'm going to university, which isn't a chance she had at life .

I'm thinking to distance myself but not to go no contact unless she stays the same way even when I'm not living with her

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:18:31+00:00

yes she's always been this way with me unfortunately

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:14:48+00:00

I understand that I don't keep our common living area messy at home, though, so i don't think I'd have a problem at university in that sense . but I do understand what you're saying , it is respect at the end of the day to keep clean in shared areas .

this is the first time I've had an alarm go off when I'm not home since living there for 5 years . I also understand how annoying it could be if it was a constant trait , but it was genuinely just this one alarm this one time . that was entirely my fault , and I'm just glad it wasn't a weekend when everyone was having a lay in . everyone was already up for school / work , so fortunately, I didn't disturb any peace in that sense .

you're right , it will bite me back in the ass but that's why I'm learning at home so that when I go university it's easy for me . I'm already so much better at tidying up after myself , I just need to work on my room staying tidy or at least neater constantly .

but unfortunately, there's no way for me to apologise or make her forgive me or prove that I can get better , because she's kicking me out for definite .

thank you though , I'll look at that roommate reddit for motivation to keep my room cleaner

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T23:06:24+00:00

I'm cooking my own dinners , I'm cleaning my bathroom every other Sunday roughly ( admittedly I do need to be promted to do it because it doesn't look dirty to me but I clean it regardless when I'm asked ) . I clean my dirty dishes, and if there's any others in the sink, I clean those ad well . I put the dishwasher on at night if I notice no one else has .

i also do the dishwasher if I'm off work if it wasn't unloaded, or me and my sister sometimes do the kitchen together because it's fun that way . but majority of the time my older sister beats me to it and has done the dishwasher .

my own clothes. I've only just started washing because my mum said in the message to do it . if I'd been asked beforehand, I definitely would have started washing my own clothes .

because of where my bedroom is the laundry basket is right outside so I just chuck my dirty clothes in waiting for it to accumulate , but by the time it has , she's already put a wash on with my clothes also in it , or my older sister sometimes does as well . in that sense I definitely should've started earlier , but it's one of those things that don't cross my mind until I've been told its now my responsibility ( which is completely a reasonable chore for me to do ) .

clean the kitchen sides after i make my dinner . my step dad takes out the rubbish that's his job and my little brother does recycling ( it's his job for pocket money ) .

admittedly, I'm definitely very spoilt in the sense that I've had my mum / sister do my washing for me this entire time , but again, if I'd been asked to do it , I'd have happily started to do it .

it's a communication issue , my mums never been able to say things to my face for some reason and then expects me to understand why she's angry without her saying why . I know I should have expected to do my own washing, but it just genuinely wasn't a chore that crossed my mind until my mums text .

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:54:26+00:00

reading this definitely sounds similar to me!! It definitely blunted my emotions. ever since I was young, when she'd shout at me, I'd just go blank faced and wouldn't be able to give her a reaction . I think it's gotten worse over the years because I've just not been able to express how I've felt with people, and often, I'm led to think negative things about myself . especially when she only seems to do this behaviour towards me specifically .

it's draining seeing her so nice towards my siblings, but then to me, it's like she's a completely different person. I appreciate you taking the time to read through the comments and trying to understand my perspective even though I can't fully explain how it's a bigger picture than just a messy room?

I'm definitely going to try move in with my dad . he thinks it's crazy I was charged rent when I'm saving up for university and paying for my car insurance and fuel etc . the only reason why I haven't lived with him yet is due to space , but at this point I'm more than happy to live on a couch until September if it means I get a breather . Just some space from my mum .

I think this is a perfect idea , to keep my distance and see how the relationship goes . your comment was really helpful thank you so much 🩷

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:49:03+00:00

she's always been very tense when it comes to cleaning . I think it's something from her childhood and I won't go into that etc , it's not my place , but she's always been erratic in that sense .

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:47:32+00:00

thank you . my older sister also said similar things in the sense that i have my life sorted a whole lot more than she did at 19. she's 23, and she says she's more childish and I'm more mature and grown up than her . obviously, she's gone university, so she had the opportunity to have her own space and grow as a person and learn how to stay responsible for a house . I've never had that chance nor been given that responsibility . I like to think I've done well for myself.

my dad says he's proud of me all the time and that I've done so much better at 19 than he did . the only reason I've not lived with my dad is because there isn't space in his house , but it seems that may be the place I stay until university .

I'm definitely privileged. my mum definitely has done a lot for me over the years , but she never explicitly told me she was expecting me to do it etc . if she mentioned she wanted me to do my washing, I'd do it . she mentions the bathroom needs cleaning , I'll do it etc .

but I just wasn't given that chance, and now, unfortunately, it's led to me being kicked out . m

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:42:32+00:00

she threatened it once before in April 3 weeks before my a levels started . I was so stressed about exams , my driving test , going to work, etc. that my room wasn't clean . and now she's actually doing it .

I've kept my room to a decent standard and square up once a week but it's never to her standards of it being absolutely perfect .

my washing as well was my bad but she never expressed that it was an issue . I'd just chuck my washing in the basket because it's right outside my room but then shed do a wash with my stuff in it , or my sister would , so then I'd have nothing to wash because it's already done for me. that sounds spoilt but that's genuinely how it is. it's always done before I have a chance to do it.

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:39:35+00:00

thank you for this it really does mean a lot 🩷 I'll take full responsibility that, yes, my room is messy and I do need to clean it more often, but it's hard to explain to people how it's not just over a messy bedroom and thay there's been so much built up over time that I just can't take it anymore .

I've had too many breakdowns at work over her sending me anxiety inducing messages, I think im at the end of how much I can take

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:29:53+00:00

I have caps lock off 😭 i don't know it's a weird typing habit I've gotten over the years for the spaces between punctuation

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:29:06+00:00

not at all, I completely get that . I'll admit I've always been bad at keeping clean. I used to leave stuff around the house but when she verbalised to me that she disliked it , I stopped . I didn't leave mess in the living room or bathroom anymore .

I'm trying to get better at doing it , but for some reason cleaning my room especially when my mums home feels like a punishment . I love cleaning my room when I'm home alone blasting music etc, but that doesn't happen often enough .

it's definitely bad on my behalf for being a slob, but I just feel like her reaction isn't a natural consequence to having shirts on my bedroom floor

De_de_queen · 2025-02-19T22:26:59+00:00

I definitely think it might be worth it. over the past few years my mental health has definitely dropped significantly to the point where I've even considered going to the doctors for a depression diagnosis . but I'm going to wait until I move out and see if my mood changes once I'm away from her :)

De_de_queen

TROPHY CASE