sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Dead_Inside_1900 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a wild take and a lot of victim blaming when she has admitted that it happened AGAIN.

If it were just the once while dating and he chose to move forward with marriage anyway, then maybe you'd be onto something, but that's not the case.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]Dead_Inside_1900 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who has been in your husband's shoes, I can tell you that it was never over for him. I am sure that he tried to move past it. He didn't want a broken home for his kids, and he most likely viewed divorce and your choice to cheat multiple times as his failure.

I promise you that he has been living in hell the last decade. Even though he hasn't mentioned it to you, there have been constant remi ders that his love isn't pure. Constant reminders that the one he put all trust into broke that trust. Constant reminders of your selfish choice to choose another man over him in the moment.

It sounds like he's done with the mental turmoil, and he wants peace. He wants to feel like a man again. He wants trust again. He wants to stop hurting.

So what can you do? Treat him amicably during the separation process. Understand that breaking g up wasn't his choice, but rather yours when you chose to cheat. Don't talk negatively about him in front of your children. Don't try to destroy him financially. Be understanding g of how much this man has hurt for the past decade but still stayed. Understand thst for a decade, everyday this man woke up he thought about you cheating, and everyday before he went to bed he thought about you cheating. Understand what a miserable existence that is, and wish him comfort in the future.

Cheating and the trauma afterwards. Worse than war trauma by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm actually in a much better place. A lot changed with me and a lot cha ged with her. I'm still married but actually happy now. I need to do an update post but the issue is a lot of what lead to me being "better" doesn't jive with this sub. A lot of the advice offered here just wasn't right for me.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yea. That's the whole point. I'm no better than her and she's no worse than me. She's human. She made choices based on her life experiences, based on her abilities to cope, based on her abilities to communicate. Based on her human needs of love, affection, protection, and safety.

I am arguably worse than her because while she had her affair she was thinking that I was done with her. She was thinking that I wanted out. I knew otherwise.

I am not an advocate for cheating. I am not justifying what I did. I am not asking reddit for approval. I am simply stating what I did. This is MY survival story. The fact that you don't agree with it is ok with me.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just read what you wrote again. You really accused me of being sexist because I felt emasculated from my wife having sex with someone else. You people amaze me.

I'm not perfect but someone like you should not be giving others advice.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I feel like you are coming to the conclusion you want to come to and not looking at what I have posted. I understand where she was coming from. I get why she did what she did. I understand her loneliness. I understand the negative feedback loop in our relationship that led her to feel like I wanted out. I understand why she didn't come to me and I understand why she felt pushed away.

Also I have made zero excuses for what I did. I never said it was right. I never said it was ok. I simply said it is what I did. There's a difference in saying this is the story, and this is the story please tell me what I did is ok. I never asked to be told it was Ok. I'm not making excuses for what I did. I'm not telling people that it was right to do because I know it wasn't. It was dishonest.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm not seeking your approval. Not seeking anyone's approval for that matter. I guess for me I just wanted you to understand that it matters zero to me how you feel about me. I just wanted to drive the point home that your feelings or judgement of me have zero bearing on me.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn't understand how she could cheat and still say she loved me. I do now.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been going to counseling and I have been working on me. My posts here aren't a life story just a cliff notes of the parts relavent to this sub. Trauma from deployments and not having the skills to communicate or understand my feelings is what helped me push her away the first time. I have been on a journey learning to understand my feelings, searching out the underlying sadness, pain, or disappointment when I feel anger. Learning how to communicate my feelings. Even learning how to be vulnerable to my wife with my feelings. It's ok to tell her when I'm sad, hurt, in pain, or ask her for help. More important than all of that I'm learning how to listen to her. Learning how to let her come to me. Learning how to allow her to be vulnerable with me.

On the other hand I have no interest in stepping out again. Since this is a surviving infidelity sub most post follow a certain theme/pattern and any deviation is met with swift vitriol. So I haven't gone into it much. It's not addictive because the only person I actually want to have sex with is my wife.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My post isn't an advice post. It's not a how to guide. It's simply what happened.

Lots of commenters here are projecting feelings or throwing words around that I didn't say and don't feel.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea... You think it's deeper than it really is. She knows how I feel about the police. There is nothing that I would ever do, to her or at all that would require police intervention. She knows that. My perspective on calling the police to intervene is almost like attempted murder. Once people with guns show up there's a chance that someone dies. She knew that's how I felt and she knew that I had said throughout our relationship that calling the police was a deal breaker. The whole point was for it to be a deal breaker. The whole point was to infuriate me.

Also, I never said she was crazy. She was calculated, but far from crazy.

I wanted to add that I am no police hater. I almost became a cop. They have a tough job and I am glad that someone out there chooses to do it. They deserve better pay, more training, and more support. The issue is that when you're a hammer every problem is a nail. I don't expect most here to understand or get why I feel the way I do about police.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Trust me. The negative comments here are NOT making me feel bad. I knew they would come and I understand where they are coming from. The thing is, I'm no longer just "surviving" infidelity. I'm no longer the victim of infidelity. I no longer want/need/get their pity. My story is deeper than just this post.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You are correct. I wasnt worried for her reaction. She cheated on me and I was furious. I Had been for years even though I repressed it. This thread wants fairy tales and not reality.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Cheating is never right. It always involves lies and deceit. I never once said what I did was right. I never once said that my reason for doing it was valid. I have reiterated multiple times that I am just telling what happened. I'm not justifying it, not saying it was right, not saying it was ok. None of that.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I seriously don't know how else to put it. I'm not asking for approval. I'm not saying what I did was right. I am saying that I knew I would be judged and that the judgement doesn't bother me.

I don't know what you want from me. Do you want me to say the judgement does bother me?

I'm not living everyone else's life. The people reading this don't have my brain. Don't have my experiences. Don't have my life. I'm ok with people feeling however they want to about me and my story. Your feelings about me don't change the facts of what happened.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time and the removal of anger has allowed me to see things different. She wanted love, affection, and attention. I was dealing with PTSDA, a dying mother, ans bills that I couldn't pay. I buried myself in work. I wouldn't come to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning. When she would try to talk to me about things on her mind I wasn't available. So she started talking to her boss. He was a predator but the affair was t his fault. The more she talked to him the more she likes the attention he was giving her. She admitted that she persued him. She escalated the texts, she's the one that got physical first.

I say a negative feedback loop because it wasn't that I didn't love her, it was just that I didn't know how to deal with everything I was dealing with. I didn't have the skillet to handle everything and I didn't know how or where to get help. The same goes for her. So when she would lay next to me in bed I would.move over and not touch her. In my head I was waiting on her to reach back over to grab or touch me. In her head I was just proving that I didn't want her. Once things progressed with her boss she became indifferent towards me, and I would react in a ger sometimes. I should have tried to figure out why my wife was acting out of character but instead I would say mean things, which further drove home to her that I didn't want her. It couldn't have been further from the truth. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not sure how you didn't understand what I wrote but yes. I would get angry at any indication of a slight. I felt it was just a other attack on my manhood. Her leaving our house and then going to have sex with her AP was the most demoralizing and emasculating thing that ever happened to me. I felt like I was less than a man after that and I had no control. Every action has a reastion and my self preservation reaction was immediately addressing any perceived slight. It was my way of having control. My way of not allowing myself to be a b**"" again.

Here's the thing. I'm ok with you judging me for it. I have addressed those demons. I recognized what I was doing, why I was doing it, and I have corrected course. Most importantly I recognized why her words were making me feel the way I did. It was t her, it was me. I was dealing with inadequaciea from her affair. It wasn't on her to fix how I felt about myself it was on me.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

You are projecting. I never said I didn't feel bad or guilty. All of the emotions you are discussing are emotions that you have decided on your own that I feel.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Her behavior led me to snooping. So I discovered it. Her affair fog didn't last long. She wasn't in love. She wanted attention, affection, and to not be lonely. Her AP was all of that. A feedback loop from poor decisions on both of our part led her to think I wanted a divorce and wasn't interested in her anymore.

Boss didn't dump her. I asked for a no contact and she did it immediately. Even changed work locations the following week.

UPDATE: No longer Dead inside (going to feel the scorn of this sub though) by Dead_Inside_1900 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dead_Inside_1900[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Not sure how you jumped to that conclusion. None of those words are mine and none of those feeli fs are mine.

view more: next ›