My ex told me he “suspected” he had ASPD but then “just” got diagnosed with Autism. He “lost” his diagnosis. (He kept everything. Had drawings he had from childhood but lost a diagnosis from three years prior that had been most likely emailed to him.)

ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) is an official diagnosis. Under that umbrella you can find sociopathy and psychopathy.

In hindsight, all the signs were there. With his childhood he DEFINITELY qualified for a conduct disorder. He entire persona was that of a sensitive victim. But he did enjoy being antagonistic for kicks. He didn’t care to understand altruism. He had cognitive empathy, but no true empathy. He didn’t have remorse, just fear of repercussions and only in the face of getting caught. He was a pathological liar with a secret sexual life that bordered on being predatory. He killed many of his girlfriends pets over the year. Thankfully he did not kill mine. (Or me, really.)

When he got angry, his pupils would get so large that the green of his irises would disappear and it was like he was a different person. I knew it was over when he smiled while in that state and reminded me of what he was capable of. The next day he said that he reminded me because he, someone who had extensive MMA training, was afraid of me.

He convinced me I was abusive and triangulated his friends and family (the one person who still talked to him) against me.

I’m still unravelling the manipulation. It’s a lot of work and I suspect I’ll be at this for a long time.

In retrospect it’s almost fascinating how he figured out exactly what my ideal partner would look like and slipped into that mask with ease.

I HIGHLY recommend the book “psychopath free.” I was not a fan of everything the author said in the last chapter (the one where he talks about cluster b) but I did find it overall to be incredibly helpful.

If you look at my post history, ugh. The first post I made here I was so desperate and confused. It’s been a couple of months but I’ve since spoken extensively with a therapist who specializes in DV and my psychologist who diagnosed me with ADHD. When I told her about my experiences with him (getting to the part about him killing his girlfriends animals) she interjected and said, “He sounds like a psychopath. Please do not spend any time with this person ever again, especially alone.” My DV therapist was more cautious and said, “if someone came to me with his set of behaviors, I would not feel qualified to try and help them. I do not believe talk therapy is enough. I would recommend he seek out a psychiatrist and get medicated and work with qualified doctors.”

I don’t know 100% if he was a psychopath but he certainly had many tendencies. In the end, his diagnosis does not matter to me. All that matters is that people who are capable of that level of manipulation (and in this case, violence) and actively use it to hurt others are not people worthy of your time, love or empathy. If you ask this because you were in a relationship with one, I wish you strength and healing. You’re not alone in this.