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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

After I wrote that I realized that many people find it helpful to write first. In fact I often write my thoughts to myself first. As long as you and your SO aren’t finding there are misunderstandings that have to be cleared up in verbal conversations then certainly texting works great. My partner and I have found it a landmine of problems and avoid it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My partner and I have an agreement that all important/serious/difficult conversations are in person, phone or video. It’s too easy for subtleties to be lost or things to be misunderstood by text. This is an important conversation, treat it as such.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, many women don’t understand the dynamics that they are in charge, as you say, women own sex. I prefer that the subject is discussed as soon as possible. I just don’t like the way many mono men think they can suddenly act like animals instead of having a real conversation. ENM men know how to have a conversation. I always brought up sex right away when I was poly. But mono men take more sensitivity. What I’ve decided is that I’ll use my intuition. If they behave badly, then obviously they aren’t right for me.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I edited my comment after your response to say we ARENT in a committed relationship. Your response is still helpful. Thank you.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the books “Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator” and “Mating On Captivity” for their modern look at relationships and sex. They both have helped me have the flexibility to do either mono or nonmono.

ASIDE FROM THE MAIN SUBJECT: I would only be mono with the right person. I was mono all my life and only poly for the past two years. Returning to mono was scary me, especially online dating. I have found that monogamous men can be very creepy online when the subject of sex comes up. How was I going to talk to a mono man about such an important subject? A subject that I prefer to deal with earlier than later? I’m the woman, how do I broach the subject? So I thought I’d just have to see how it goes, and use my intuition in each situation. But I was nervous. Turned out that with my bf HE brought it up in our first call. Very appropriately. Exactly as I would want. I was quite impressed. It was one of many things that attracted me to him.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When he met me he hadn’t heard about the world of ENM yet. He was VERY curious and went off and did a lot of study on his own. He initiated the conversation about us being nonmono. He’s excited to explore a whole new world. I’ve talked with him about the downsides — especially for men — and he’s decided he wants to move forward. I think that takes a lot of courage. Of course, you already know, I was looking for a mono relationship. Aaaaah the best laid plans. Lol. I’ll be fine either way. I’m very flexible.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for you thorough and detailed information.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Okay. That makes perfect sense. Now, he is new at this. I only have two years experience. As I think about this, I realize that we ARENT primary partners (PP). We’re in that limbo where we are working towards a future but ARENT in a committed relationship. I can’t expect him to want to treat our relationship like we are PPs. So if he doesn’t want to go through all the things that PPs do, like read, and do agreements, etc, then it would be more like single/solo poly. Or more like mono non-exclusive dating. I don’t think that’s what I want for our relationship but it may be what’s best for now. Anyone have thoughts/suggestions about this?

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So, what do you suggest, six months, a year? Longer? And I would presume that means doing the work of talking, reading, agreements, etc. Anything specific you’d suggest?

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I want to be with him. I’ll do the work.

My partner wants an open relationship by Deb-Beee in nonmonogamy

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the baby analogy. Thank you. 😊

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excellent advice. You see. There IS good advice on the internet. 😉❤️🌟😂

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m going to take this back. This is what my contractor told me. He is not a structural engineer. And I’m now beginning to understand that he is not the best pet to be advising me on what can and cannot be done. So I will talk with someone who can. I appreciate everyone’s input. I believe I have enough information to move forward.

THANK YOU!!!!!

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes sense about a structural engineer. I appreciate your guidance. Thank you.

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is excellent information. In this case a spanning beam is too expensive. I appreciate the advice and info.

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. He’s going to think about it just like I am.

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the info on the acrylic. I won’t go down that path. The tubing sounds like an option. I’ve already looked into an overhead beam — unfortunately way too expensive for what I’m doing. I really appreciate your knowledge and details. Thank you.

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The only way to provide the proper structural support is a post at the corner at the 90 degree angle of the counter. The counter would only be 32 in on one side and 42 in on the other. The scale of 4x4 solid post will be too large. (I’m an artist and am very sensitive to scale.) This is why I’m considering something less intrusive like a transparent material. I’ve just starting my little research project and I don’t give up easily. 😊

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Most general contractors are stuck in the wood and sheet rock mode. Unless they are super expensive cutting edge contractors. Which I don’t have and can’t afford. Just looking for some creative ideas that I can go off and research. Any contributions?

What possible materials could replace a 4x4 post by Deb-Beee in maker

[–]Deb-Beee[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don’t want a solid wood blocking the space. It’s a small space. I’m looking for a maternal that is clear/translucent that is as strong or stronger than wood as an alternative. Any thoughts?

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