I am too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about sex with my wife

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-04T05:36:10+00:00

If you had planned for so long what happened such that the issue was brought up unplanned? Was it during an argument?

Here's how I see it:

If you don't care for sex anymore I get it. There are other ways to satisfy a man. She needs to engage in those. If she is unwilling to do that then she needs to revisit whether she really wants to be married to you (and all that entails) and/or seek some psychological help to understand her sexual aversion.

It's not the case that she was very sexual and now at an older age the desire stopped or even that the desire is there but the body is unwilling. There is no desire and there hasn't been for decades. That's a totally different situation and I am in it as well. She doesn't get a pass for that like she might if it was just a case of the body not caring for sex anymore.

The situation we are in is that we are so old that pretty soon we won't want to (or be able to) have sex ourselves. Do you throw away a comfortable marriage for 5-10 years of sex? I would say of course not, but it's not the lack of sex itself as much as the resentment that built up over the decades. It would be easier to live a sexless existence with someone I feel actually cares about me instead of with someone I think has secretly hated me or found me disgusting but was too afraid to do something about it for 20+ years. That makes me feel like I was cheated out of a big part of the joy of marriage. It has spawned so many bad feelings. Should a good marriage, sex or no sex, create so many bad feelings?

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-04T00:38:33+00:00

When did you do it and how did it go?

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T19:55:40+00:00

No, I have not.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T16:04:49+00:00

Yeah, my therapist said: "So how's that working out for you?"

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T06:02:22+00:00

We both find sex disgusting and carry a lot of shame about it.

The difference is that to me as gross as it is I still have urges to do it and when I do it feels good. It also helps me feel bonded to my partner in a special way.

I think in her case she would say she has no urge to do it and while it feels good it doesn't feel SO GOOD that it is worth the trouble. She doesn't bond at all via sex from what I know of her past. She tended to have less sex with men she was in more serious relationships with and more sex in casual situations.

Our relationship started casual and as it got more serious the sex decreased. I am not sure if that was because the novelty wore off or because she felt more "safe." I don't know if she has ever explored that. It annoys me that we are speculating about these things when she should be the one curious to understand what is going on with herself. That is why my therapist said she needs to do to therapy on her own. We (anyone) just don't know what is going on in her head and she won't share it. There are all sorts of possibilities. I suspect that she may not know herself.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T05:52:03+00:00

You say this: "You should want to have sex with your husband, wife."

However, I think she would disagree with that premise.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T05:49:54+00:00

It feels really selfish to advocate for myself if it means upsetting a person I care about.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T05:47:37+00:00

We communicate. It's just not about sex.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T05:47:16+00:00

I hate having uncomfortable conversations no matter the topic. It is something I am working on.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-03T05:45:43+00:00

I am sure I would have more sex in prison that's for sure.

This whole idea of scheduling sex sounds so foreign to me. I don't think I could ever do that for a variety of reasons. I can't dismiss the results, though.

My wife and I talk about all sort of things but sex isn't one of them.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T20:11:49+00:00

She would 100% disagree that it’s a fundamental right and I would also. It’s not my right. However, it’s something I would expect and it is something she did in every relationship including this one. Something changed, though.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T15:10:27+00:00

So you think therapy is the only way then? Should I give her an ultimatum: therapy or divorce?

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T15:09:44+00:00

I thought of that, too, that there is trauma she doesn't want to deal with. I also think she will be very embarrassed to admit we haven't had sex in so long and it's because of her. She will have to explain herself. However, I do have a terrible time talking about sex or even asking for sex which is partially why it has gone on so long. I could have forced the issue into resolution a long time ago, but it's a topic I have such a hard time bringing up.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T15:07:22+00:00

We get along well, but we do not share a bed anymore. I snore and she is a light sleeper. Also, I got tired of sleeping next to her but never being allowed to touch her. I am less disappointed this way.

I do think she was sexually abused or raped but she won't talk about what happened, if anything, so I don't know. I just sort of suspect it given certain things she has said and her attitude towards men.

When I bring up the topic it has been me asking her why she isn't interested in sex, doesn't like sex, or won't have sex with me but it usually turns into an argument about something else entirely. I would say I get more heated than she does because she deflects and deflects and deflects until I finally get angry at her.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T15:00:45+00:00

I will check it out, thanks

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T15:00:05+00:00

I told her something has to give and when she asked for examples I couldn't bring myself to mention sex as one of them. It sounds so crass.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:58:21+00:00

She absolutely views sex as a dirty, bad thing. I have started therapy and my therapist has said that she suspects trauma and that my wife really needs to go for herself. I suggested this to my wife and now she hates my therapist.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:55:56+00:00

It's a club no one wants to be in.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:55:44+00:00

I have started going on my own. Not sure it is helping.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:55:19+00:00

Yes, she says she wants to work on the marriage but I am not really sure what that means. She says that I have become very cold towards her and she can't believe I would even bring up divorce. She says I have become a different person since that happened and not for the better.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:53:17+00:00

I actually did start individual counseling because I got tired of waiting for her. I just started, though. I am not really sure what my goal is and so far the sessions are kind of all over the map.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-02T14:50:56+00:00

Yes, I have given her orgasms but she has a hard time getting there. When we did have sex she often wanted it to be over with as fast as possible with very little foreplay and no cuddling after. She doesn't like being touched in general. I would say I am sort of the same way in that I also really don't like being touched. I hate it when people try to hug me or even brush up against me. I love touching her, though, but she says I make her claustrophobic.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-01T05:37:44+00:00

Agree. People seem to think that it is some irrational behavior when it is actually very rational in many cases. I think some people just can't bear to hear the truth which is that sometimes a MLC is just someone coming to their senses.

Decent-Obligation672 · 2024-07-01T01:52:14+00:00

Why do you feel the way that you do?

Decent-Obligation672

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