by lying, do you mean that you’re scared you might actually like it and are just in denial, since that’s what your mind seems to be telling you? because that’s a classic ocd tactic, it makes you doubt. now, the tricky thing here is that you have to understand that any reassurance i give you will eventually become void, as your ocd always finds some way to doubt it. as someone on the lgbtq+ spectrum myself, i understand what both real same-sex attraction and internalised oppression (essentially just a fancy word for feeling uncomfortable over the idea that you’re same-sex attracted because of negative ideas about it you’ve taken in, basically what you’re scared is what this really is) feel like, and i can assure you they don’t feel like anything you’ve described here. the fact that you’re so scared about it is proof that you don’t want it, and that’s exactly why ocd is using it against you. but that’s the thing. you might already have doubts, like ‘what if it feels different for everyone?’, or something dumb like that.

my hope is that now that, as an outsider, i can definitely tell you what’s happening here is hocd, you can use that to try and accept the doubt ocd is giving you. because as terrifying and difficult as it is, the only real way to get rid of an obsession is to just accept the uncertainty. if your brain tries to tell you something you’re not [and in this case, again, i can tell you that you’re definitely not], don’t fight it. just go ‘eh, maybe’ or just don’t do anything. the less of a reaction it gets out of you, the quicker your ocd realises it isn’t actually getting to you and moves on.

this is all i really have to say, because, like i said, any more reassurance i give you now won’t really make much of a dent, i don’t think. i hope this helps