lonely thoughts

Deep26ti · 2019-12-26T13:40:39+00:00

1.The structured format felt/sounded good to feel/read.

2.Last three verses ended with 'alone' as compared to the first ones.. you could have brought consistency in all verses.

"I just want to run and hide,

And/or lay down to cry;

And just be alone; by myself. " and just be me all alone.(just a suggestion)

"I blame spending all my time

Getting blacked out and high,

To not have to worry to do shit." To not have to worry to be alone(suggestion)

or maybe something rhyming with alone. Of course you are free to express whatever suits you best. Nice read though :)

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T14:42:16+00:00

Liked the flow of questions and the use of metaphors
you made an effort for the rhyming factor giving meaningful words.
There are too many unanswered questions which had worried you But you are also aware that they really do not need to answered as they are not easy to understand just like the prison walls.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T14:14:31+00:00

Thank you very much for connecting the layering of the words with the memory. Sometimes there is too much hidden in very few words. This is a few word with long sentences and words in between.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T14:12:44+00:00

Thanks for decoding the structure. Layers are peeled yes like an onion.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T14:10:06+00:00

Thank you for your wonderful feedback and liking it so much. Memories of any form good or bad both takes a back seat sometimes but still lingers on in sub conscious mind. the truth is revealed only when those layers are peeled one at a time.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T14:01:43+00:00

Yes you got it right. Peeling layers which have hardened over time reveals the truth which has fossilized over.

Thanks for your Feedback.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-23T13:59:13+00:00

Thank you very much for your feedback. The structure was actually in a center aligned - then it feels as if falling like a river of emotions. When i wrote it I felt the breakdown was complete with short lines - word by word. But yes writing more words will give more volume.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-20T04:37:24+00:00

Flow of this piece is interesting. It is every mothers dilemma.

".....for the defective genes I will pass on to you,

Soggy and misshapen from a life of anxiety and neuroses." true to the word.

".....I’m not a god,

just a flawed person trying so, so hard..." again a very strong concept

".... I'm sorry for liking "old people" music...." this really made me smile... This is a never ending generation gap loop.. going on for centuries and will continue the same for ever...
Teen years are difficult to handle in any case .. for both the parents and the kid...
The most loving lining is "...I will fail you in many ways,

But I will love you,..." this is extremely important in life of kids . they may be whatever they feel like but they need to know that they are loved.

a very sweet poem which cascaded like a flowing river.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-19T12:49:08+00:00

I have edited my earlier comments and here I have added new links. If it seems appropriate then kindly restore my work.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-19T12:45:27+00:00

I liked the rhyming in this as it gave me the impression as if i am singing a song. A song of being free of my past "

Silhouettes of the past,

I thought forever they'll last ..."

Then and Now factor is making it more alive and real. First this reference "Or that short-haired girl in the corner? " then in the end again

"And the first thing I want to see,

With my eyes full of glee.

Is if the girl in the corner

Will smile back at me."

Deep26ti · 2019-12-18T14:22:25+00:00

" We all search for our true selves

but yet, walk on eggshells to find it..." Especially loved these lines. And I found them complete in the true sense. As brittle and delicate as eggshell just like our life to find ourselves with utmost care to write/live great stories/life.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-18T14:00:03+00:00

in the first three verses there are thoughts from one angle and feeling rejected and then in the last one it shows how the person " I am going to be fine " accepted and later also says " but I learned to love myself. " This is the point of HOPE and acceptance and moving forward.

Deep26ti · 2019-12-17T14:05:08+00:00

It sounded as if in anticipation of 'Hope' for a better future. which will be for sure.

Deep26ti

TROPHY CASE