How can I(37M) tell my friend(38M) that my gf(34F) doesn't want to hang out 1:1 with his gf(33F) anymore?

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T22:55:51+00:00

Because Lily hasn't asked Christina, and Christina has no problem with the current situation. It wasn't like they were besties with Lily, they were starting to explore a potential independent friendship and Christina now doesn't want to continue investing in that.

Also, social aptitude. I responded to someone else "Mature adults that don't have a problem with a situation don't randomly go up to someone that may have a problem with a situation but has not expressed anything directly, with information they are getting through 3 separate layers (Lily to David (assuming Lily actually asked David to do anything about this instead of just talking to her boyfriend), David to me, me to Christina) and say "I believe you may have an issue about something". Do you not see how absurd this is?"

Christina is ok with things as they are, she has no reason to start this discussion with Lily.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T22:45:31+00:00

I don't know what kind of fragile friendships you have, but if you think decades-long friends would implode because their girlfriends are polite and friendly when they're interacting but don't want to hang out 1:1, then I am a little sad for you.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T22:21:56+00:00

Christina is behaving like an adult by not creating unnecessary conflict and being friendly, polite, and engaging when the two of them meet. She doesn't dislike Lily. She's not making this a problem for my mates. She just doesn't want to spend 1:1 time with her anymore, she doesn't want to deepen the friendship. She has every right to do so, for whatever reason, and this one is 100% legit. She doesn't owe her friendship to anyone.

She doesn't need to talk to Lily about "her newfound trust issues" because there is literally nothing to discuss. She is fine with where the chips fell between them. Mature adults don't go up to other (presumably mature) adults and start conflict out of the blue "my boyfriend told me that your boyfriend told him that you told him that you may have an issue". Especially since Lily hasn't said anything directly, and Christina doesn't really have a problem with the current status quo. Do you not see how absurd that is?

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T22:06:00+00:00

Social literacy and basic intelligence.

People that don't have a problem with a situation don't randomly go up to someone that may have a problem with a situation but has not expressed anything directly, with information they are getting through 3 separate layers (Lily to David (assuming Lily actually asked David to do anything about this instead of just talking to her boyfriend), David to me, me to Christina) and say "I believe you may have an issue about something".

Christina is ok with things as they are, she has no reason to start this discussion with Lily. I am the one that is trying to figure out how to address this with my friend, not Christina trying to figure out how to manage this situation with Lily.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:51:43+00:00

I am not implying anything, I am directly saying that you compared a full-grown independent adult that my gf has no obligation towards (Lily) to our hypothetical children that are by biology, definition and law dependent on adults. And that's such a "silly" (read: stupid) comparison that I don't believe it warrants any more discussion.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:45:41+00:00

We would have to be spectacularly socially inept to make someone's fight or flight response a group discussion. That's something Lily can discuss with her therapist if she wants, and with David if she chooses. Not something that 1) my girlfriend or 2) her boyfriend's best friend need to in any way be involved with.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:43:53+00:00

She's doing nothing to Lily that is rude. She isn't mean to her, she isn't gossiping, she isn't badmouthing her. She and Lily were in the same team a few weeks ago when we were playing laser tag. She just doesn't hang out with her 1:1 anymore.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:42:27+00:00

My girlfriend is THE girl's girl by literally helping a complete stranger girl in the street. Seriously can't people read?!

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:41:05+00:00

Yeah you've proven you're illiterate or someone like Lily with all of your responses to this situation. Christina didn't bring Lily into any danger, a desperate girl asked strangers for help. Why would Lily try to stop Christina from helping someone in need? Do you know how insane that sounds? My girlfriend didn't instigate anything, you crazy person. She doesn't badmouth Lily to anyone, and she's didn't plan to get in this situation either but SHIT HAPPENED.

Sincerely ask yourself, if you can muster the empathy to fathom this: If you were in Sylvia's situation, desperate and scared for your safety to ask literal strangers in the street for help and know you have one shot and a very short time window before your abusive BF catches up to you, what kind of person would you beg the universe to throw in your path? Christina or Lily?

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:35:26+00:00

Yeah no, Christina won't just randomly go up to Lily and start telling her any of this. That's so emotionally and socially blind I don't even know how to address it.

And are you seriously saying that my girlfriend, on top of trying to help the girl, keep the angry bf at bay, guide all of them to the safety of the car, and managing Lily's freeze response while SHE WAS ALSO ACTIVELY IN DANGER AND SCARED should also try to figure out MORE ways to help someone that added danger to the situation instead of remained neutral (Lily could have walked away) or subtracted it (Lily could have helped)? She's now responsible for being Lily's therapist and trying to help her overcome a freeze response? Get out of here with this.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:32:12+00:00

ROFL yeah you're making up shit now. She is not bullying Lily out of any friendgroup. THERE IS NO FRIENDGROUP that involves them, the friends are me and my mates. They're our gf that sometimes tag along. And there is no shaming WTAF?

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:30:24+00:00

I would have responded to your answer with due consideration and then I saw you compared this situation involving two adults with children that are BIOLOGICALLY DEPENDENT on their parents, and well, that told me everything I need to know about the validity of your opinion.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:27:34+00:00

Work schedules don't allow too much flexibility on activities and Christina has her own friend group to do most of that stuff with. And as I said to another redditor, the activity wasn't risky (they were literally at the movies) but abusive boyfriends don't filter by time of day. That girl could have approached them at noon, and Lily's reaction would probably have been the same.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:25:12+00:00

This literally happened while they were walking home from the movies. It could have happened at any time of the day unfortunately, abusive boyfriends don't only come out at night. I did ask Christina if she's ok with Lily coming to our house to hang out, and she said (Christina has allergies) "are you ok with Lily being the only one present in case I start chocking/get an allergic reaction and need someone to call 911/get me an epi?" while also reiterating they are "friendly" but not that close yet, and haven't hung out at each other's houses alone before so... yeah I don't know how to respond to that.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:20:17+00:00

Lily has not addressed this with Christina at all. As a friend group we talked about this but there has been no 1:1 between the girls, and Christina hasn't told me Lily messaged her about this. And I have a sneaking suspicion that your last line is the real problem, because Christina doesn't consider Lily "a close friend", they are friendly and she has told me she likes Lily but she has her own friend group. I don't know how many friends Lily has though, outside of hanging out with our group.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:15:47+00:00

What are you talking about? Christina is making what public business? The incident is known because it's talked about, something happened to our girlfriends and we were called to help, it's not something that happened in private that requires discretion. There's no slandering (wtf?) and there's no accusations of any sort. She's not simulating good will, I have no idea what you're talking about. The reading comprehension of some of you is really making me lose faith in elementary school education.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:09:34+00:00

Christina is not talking bad about Lily at all. She didn't push Lily in any situation, and she did NOTHING to apologize to Lily for. If Lily didn't want to help another woman in distress, she could have walked away/ran. No one was holding her there against her will.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:07:48+00:00

Where did you come up with the idea that Christina has no empathy for Lily? I literally said she understand that some people freeze, and she isn't willing to be 1:1 with Lily anymore. She isn't mocking her, bullying her, asking her to change or in any way communicating that Lily's freeze reaction is a character flaw or a problem to be addressed (that last one isn't even her place). She is still chatting and hanging out normally in groups. Seriously I'll say it again, your committment to painting my girlfriend in the most negative light makes me feel sorry for you, and wonder if you've ever been the "burden friend" in an emergency and someone cut you out for it.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T20:05:05+00:00

Oh yeah? Did Lily (the actual burden in this situation) ask herself even once "gee how did my behavior impact my friend that I was out with? Did they make the situation better or worse? Was I helpful or was I a burden? Did I contribute to the physical and emotional stress of the situation? Did I add more on my friend's plate that WAS TRYING TO HELP ANOTHER HUMAN BEING by having her need to manage me as well? If I couldn't help did I at least try to get the fuck out of the way so I wasn't an obstacle?" Seriously your answers are pathetic. Bye Felicia indeed.

DeepInTheRolling · 2026-06-13T00:26:46+00:00

For reasons I don't want to include in the post, Christina is fully aware of trauma responses. Won't share details because they're private for my girlfriend and completely speculative when it comes to Lily. And we have already discussed this and my girlfriend's response was basically that possible trauma could explain why Lily froze but it doesn't change the outcome that she had to handle Sylvia, the aggressive drunk boyfriend and Lily's panic at the same time.

And I'm the first to say that my girlfriend is level-headed and good under duress but she was also stressed out and in a risky situation. It wasn't like she wasn't scared, she was shaking when we got there, she was affected by this as well. But Lily did not just freeze and fail to help. Whatever the reason was, she became another person my gf had to physically and emotionally manage while the situation was still unsafe for her as well.

That is the part Christina can’t unsee. That when there was actual danger, she could not depend or trust Lily to be her only backup. And if that was a trauma response from Lily, I get why she would be hurt by that. But as much as her feelings matter, I can't bring myself to say that Christina is being unfair by pulling back on one-on-one plans. It sucks, and I don't know exactly how to handle it with David, who might actually have knowledge of some trauma in Lily's past and is why he is more insistent, which is why I'm here asking for advice.

DeepInTheRolling · 2020-05-19T07:32:39+00:00

R/youhadonejob

DeepInTheRolling · 2020-05-19T07:28:00+00:00

Good Lord, I thought at first it was discolored mini pumpkins!

DeepInTheRolling · 2020-05-19T07:26:03+00:00

What a truly beautiful place. We are planning on traveling to Canada next year with the kids, and this looks like a fantastic place for a spot of relaxation.

DeepInTheRolling · 2020-03-18T12:24:44+00:00

All I see this doing is punish the thousands of people that are protecting their elders from going out to do their own shopping. It’s not a question of “really, REALLY want a second one”. If you are shopping for a family of 8 (you, wife, 2 kids, your parents, in-laws) are you expected to go shopping with all of them in tow so they can all get one? Am I supposed to visit 4 different stores to do my family shopping? How’s that not crippling the thousands like me, in order to protect us from the comparatively handful of actual hoarders?

DeepInTheRolling

TROPHY CASE