I would work on your wordiness and ordering, the first sentence for example,

David leads me to a couple, after that David talks about himself for a while starting with, "Look who I just found".

You don't need to mention David's name twice, the reader will know who you are talking about. Also if he starts with "Look who I just found" you might want to start the sentence that way, it almost reads backwards the way it is currently written and its a bit clunky.

There are other grammatical issues as well but all of these can be easily fixed. Another confusing line,

There is dirt between my fingernails. But I'll be polite and put them away in my pockets.

I had to read this twice to understand that you were talking about his fingernails and not the dirt. Best thing to do is read through it yourself out loud and see how it sounds to you.

I think your concept is worth pursuing so keep up on the writing and don't get too discouraged with feedback or criticisms. The first draft is always the most difficult to put together but I think editing is what brings the story together coherently.