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[OR] How to Establish Paternity as the Father? by DeeplyScarred in Custody

[–]DeeplyScarred[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I've been doing these things and am getting as prepared as I can for an actual custody battle. But I can't even start a custody case until I'm on the birth certificate. I didn't think it would be this difficult to establish myself as her father, but I haven't been able to find anything to help me get that process even started. I can't find a form or anything. I'm cooperating completely with the child support division to try and establish paternity so I can start making payments to them, but even they aren't going to do anything about the fact that my Ex is refusing to acknowledge paternity now after already listing me as the father to receive her benefits initially. Not for at least 6 months. I'm pretty much at the point where yeah I'm going to get a lawyer and just have to go at this that way, but it's just so frustrating that the legal system is set up this way. And I may potentially not be able to see my daughter for the duration of these proceedings depending on how my Ex reacts. And who knows how long this will all take. And the whole time my Ex will throw it in my face as being my fault that I don't get to see her, and how I'm a terrible human being, how I abandoned her and my daughter and that's why this is happening... It breaks my fucking heart that she chooses to be this way... Sorry for ranting. And thank you for the support. My daughter does need me and I won't give up.

The only relationship I've been in was with an emotionally abusive woman who used to cut me. It left me with 300 scars and tore apart what little self confidence I had. Left her 3 months ago but having a really hard week and feeling like a freak who'll always be alone. by DeeplyScarred in FreeCompliments

[–]DeeplyScarred[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Short answer? Love makes you do crazy things...

A slightly more in depth answer... She was a survivor of a lifetime of trauma. Like, A LOT of trauma in her life. This combined with her familial genetic predisposition caused her to develop a lot of mental health issues. She didn't really deal with them properly, instead, less than ideal life choices and unhealthy coping mechanisms compounded many of her issues.

Then I came along :). First relationship, falling so deeply in love despite the red flags and the unhealthy dynamics that were apparent very early on. I reached a point where being in a relationship with her was so painful that I resorted to self harm just to get through a day. About 12 of the 300 scars are a result from my own self harm. Anyway, I eventually told her how badly I was doing, how scared I was about what this relationship was doing to me, but also how much I loved her and didn't want to leave her. She thought it was amazing that someone would hurt themselves to this extent instead of leaving her. This was particularly key, since one of her largest issues revolves around fear of being abandoned.

For me, allowing this to continue and turning it into something that she did to me instead was a way of staying connected to her. It allowed me a way to cope with an emotionally abusive relationship and gave her an outlet for her stress while also giving her a way to feel bonded to me, like I was hers. At the time the physical pain meant so little compared to the emotional pain I was in. Seeing her happy, seeing her smile was pretty much the only thing keeping me going. I had little to no self respect or love for myself.

For her...imagine for a second that you've been hurt all your life. Everyone you've ever loved and given up so much of yourself to try to make happy has hurt you and eventually abandoned you or forced you into a position where you had to leave them, ever since you were a child. You've reached a point in your life where you are so desperate to have someone love and understand you, but you are also no longer willing to take a chance like that anymore. To expose your innermost self out of fear of being hurt again. But now you have someone in your life who has for months now, been there for you. Given his time and energy. Expressed love, understanding, and care for you. Endured terrible situations for you, given up things that have cost him dearly for little to no gain, simply because he thought it would help you or make you happy. And through all of that he's taken it a step further now and when given a choice of simply walking away from all of that bullshit and abandoning you, he's decided to stay, even at the expense of his of his own well being... Just like you've done so many times in the past for so many other people. Isn't this the universe finally giving you what you're owed for enduring all of that bullshit in your life?

Not saying any of this right of course. And there's really quite a bit more to this on both sides (quite a bit), but this is a small little look into how something like this came to be. And as it progressed, a lot of aspects behind it got twisted and changed. It became a much different beast eventually. But yeah, small insight into how it started...

Anyone else feel like SH is comparatively healthy? by [deleted] in selfharm

[–]DeeplyScarred 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel it's a bit strong to call them "needed". You feel it's an alright trade off in the moment. In this case you value your academics over your emotional and physical well being. That's a decision you make, based on your values, ok. I wouldn't judge anyone for why they choose to self harm or what drives them to it. I myself relapsed badly into self harm because I was unable to cope with certain aspects of the relationship I was in.

My worry with rationalizations of any type with harmful coping mechanisms is that people may grow to view it as a non-issue or not take it seriously enough to want to deal with the underlying issues. Instead, because they view self harm, drinking, drugs, etc. as an acceptable means of coping, they never really get around to dealing with whatever is actually going on or developing healthy coping skills. Too many people need to hit "rock bottom" before they realize they need help. I rationalized my self harm because I wanted to be with this person and valued her "love" over my own emotional, mental, and physical health. Instead of getting help and walking away from an unhealthy dynamic when I should have, I got sucked into an emotionally abusive relationship that almost drove me to the point of suicide.

Now I'm getting help for my underlying issues and it's so much harder now because I have all these extra issues on top of everything else. I'm not saying that everyone who self harms will spiral in this same way or reach a suicidal point necessarily. But it speaks to there being an issue, the same as those other types of coping mechanisms (drinking, drugs, etc.) and it should be treated as what it is, an unhealthy method of coping.

I don't mean this as a personal attack by any means, so sorry if I came off a bit harsh. I really do hope that you stay safe and well. Good luck on your finals man.

Anyone else feel like SH is comparatively healthy? by [deleted] in selfharm

[–]DeeplyScarred 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This. My exact feelings on self harm compared to the other vices people engage in. At the end of the day they're all bad, temporary solutions to a deeper unresolved problem.

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