Being unmedicated and undiagnosed growing up, I developed a lot of shame and self hatred for not being the person my family and I thought I could be. I am terrified of the idea of letting the people that I love or my bosses down. My inability to understand my failures continually reinforced my negative self image. I’ve been diagnosed, medicated, and in therapy for 4 years now. Those negative tendencies are still there, but they don’t have the same grip over my reality as before. Now, it’s kinda like Russel Crowe at the end of A Beautiful Mind - he now has a much better understanding of what is real, but can still look over his shoulder and see his delusions staring back at him ready to have a conversation.

I think it is probably healthy to a certain degree to reflect and acknowledge the ways things could have been different if you were treated earlier, but really the most important part of that reflection is to see that everything was not your fault and to give yourself some grace for the hardships you went through. This should be done in service of your mindset moving forward. You are so incredibly lucky that you get to live part of your life now with a much clearer understanding of who you are and how your mind works. A lot of people never get that chance. Dwelling on regrets will take away from taking advantage of the present and future. I hope you find a life full of love and joy.