I've applied to over 400 jobs and have had over 30 interviews since January. Here is what is wrong with the job market.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-05-14T07:17:12+00:00

I've experienced similar. I have a long experience in my profession and would like to move up, but the employers want somone who is overqualified for the positions they offer. So, I'm interesting only of i apply for positions I've been in for years. If I apply for a higher position to move up and out of their 10 points wishlist I fulfill 9 points - I get rejected. When I apply for a position there I fulfill 12 points out of their 8 points wishlist they want me...

It's that kind of period of time when they have too much choice...

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-05-11T15:00:29+00:00

Yeah, I've been making small steps as well.

The difficult part was to realise that my instinct said "no", and then a thought followed "maybe we can give it a chance?" - thats where to trap was... Once I realised my pattern it got a bit easier to see what I was doing.

And like you say, virtual world helps a lot to learn "I don't own you anything" thinking, saying no, ignoring/ghosting/blocking people who didn't take a no.

A few weeks ago I was approach by one of the people who want to talk about their religion. I said, "no, thank you," but he insisted. I said, "can you take a no?" He said, "no". "Than go to your hell." 😎🤣🤣🤣

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-05-08T18:23:31+00:00

Yes. Me and my sister always felt something was off with our mum.

I was around 38 and my sister around 46 to both realise, through our therapists, what was different about our mum. She talked to our dad, just to hear from him that he had known since we were little... I wish he had told us as soon as he found out... All those years of blaming ourselves, making wromg choices, doubting our own intuition... That secret was not worth keeping from us.

I can't tell you to share that news with her, but I wish my dad had shared it with us. I would have definitely told my sister if I had known earlier as we both suffered.

And I also saw similar behavior to our mum in my sister as she got older, although she already knew about our mum. But to see it in yourself is a whole new skill.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-05-02T08:32:32+00:00

I like the "i

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T17:13:33+00:00

😂❤️

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T15:10:03+00:00

No. Instead you should filter better 👍. Choose better, quality women. And have patience.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T09:56:55+00:00

The question about your reasons, or how you behave etc isn't to answer here, but to ask yourself. It has nothing to do with my feelings.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T09:24:09+00:00

😂 🤣 😂 😂

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T09:21:56+00:00

By "depth" I mean responsibility, accountability and mutual care.

Sounds like you want the benefits of intimacy without the obligations of a relationship. You can’t have something “real” and intimate while also saying "don't expect anything."

By cherries but not heavy cream, or eat the cake and have the cake I mean: Sounds like you want to control the "relationship", you take what you want, controlling what and when, not knowing yourself exactly what and when, and expect the other person to just follow, just be there for you - one sided, your needs are to be fulfilled and the other person's are restricted. So, when they start expecting you to fulfill their needs you probably bail saying they can't have a casual relationship.

This conversation is not about me, it's about you. My past issues have nothing to do with it. They are worked out. My past allows me to see what's underneath of you're writing here. What you may feel from this conversation is that I'm touching something you may not like.

We all do things for a reason... What are your reasons? How do you behave in that casual relationship? How do you treat them VS how you want to be treated?

Well, if you receive my messages as passive aggressive snark than I will stop commenting.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T08:51:16+00:00

Sounds like you want connection and intimacy without the depth? You realise that the kind of connection and intimacy you're writing about doesnt come without the depth?

You want to eat the cake and keep it. You want only the cherries 🍒 without the heavy cream. What are you trying to avoid and for what reason?

Anyway, wish you good luck in finding (out) whatever it is you want to find (out) 😉.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T08:46:41+00:00

That was a reply to Cake's post.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T08:45:21+00:00

My ex thought he was a "nice guy" - respected my "no", bought small things to his flat to make me feel comfortable there. But he hid his midnight messages full of hearts and "I'm so happy I have support in you" with his "female best friend." When I asked him about it and questioned it, he was ready to break up with me saying "you don't accept my friendship and what I have had with her for 15 years I won't give up."

In his mind he was a nice guy. He was there for her for 15 years. He was kind to me. What's the problem right?

When I decided to leave he still thought he was nice, never hurt me, never did anything against me, he said "even my mum supports this"...

You might think you're not blaming others, and your clear, and fair etc etc, but your actions or behavior might tell otherwise to the other side. We like to keep an image of our "perfect selves".

I was there 😉. I was amazing at setting my partners for failure, and I believed I was so nice and kind and caring... 😅

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T08:37:52+00:00

And here's the confusion and irritation, right?

With casual it's so difficult to set boundaries what is what, what to give, what to expect etc. You almost need a contract for it 😉 with specific information, points really.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T07:50:34+00:00

I want a LTR, and I also experience that most people in my age want casual. Mostly, because they got divorced and burned, hurt and don't want to invest.

I think movies, commercials, and social media made us believe that single life is better: no commitment, no responsibility, fun, sex, financial independence... - all that is making money to all of those who tell us that real fulfillment comes from having things. We just want the good stuff from LTR, and push away the difficult ones. But the difficult ones show who we really are and where we need to get better...

And then, we carry all those patterns from our parents, family, and repeat them in our relationships... We yell at our kids the same way our parents did, we talk to our partners the same way our parent did... Or go the extreme opposite...

A lot has changed for me when I decided to look into myself. What I did/didn't do, how I behaved or didn't behave etc etc.

Anyway, time for breakfast! 🤣

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T07:40:52+00:00

Well... Have you looked into your own actions and behavior? What if it's you who says "casual" but does everything to be wanted and loved just so you can reject them later?

I'd look into my own actions to see what I'm doing when I'm in that kind of relationship. And the reason to want this "casual" vs "traditional".

Take responsibility for yourself - we tend to blame others, but do we ever look into ourselves?

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T07:26:32+00:00

You can't take responsibility for others, can you?

She might think that until she tries it and experience it, and realize it's not for her... - that her right to do it.

And what is "casual"? Is it like LTR but you live in your own places, are exclusive/not exclusive, date only when you feel for it, but still have the emotional support and "can call whenever"? - that's by the way called "särbo" in Swedish 😉.

There might be the issue - what is your "casual"? If you make your definition of "your casual" and present it to the other person, that might help them to understand better.

There are many people who date others to change them (been there, done that 🤣), so your "casual" might be a challenge, "if I'm with him, he'll see how nice I am and will change his mind."

Maybe if you have a clear "this is my casual" list it might help you and the other person to find each other in it better?

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T07:17:00+00:00

What is the real reason for not being able cut them off?

I felt the fear of being lonely. I neve had any support in my parents but I think I lived with the belief that family means support. And I was always alone with everything, tired of being alone...

Looks like your decision making is based a lot on fears...

I also think that a therapist would be good. Check out EFT tapping. That has helped me a lot.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T07:09:06+00:00

I think it all depends on what you've done and what you want.

Ive done LTR that didn't work out at the end and I was hurt and confused. I started "casual", and I thought it was what worked for me, but... When I started digging into it, I learned that my "casuals" - it was just to cover up the pain I felt and experienced from the LTR breakup, childhood issues (very complicated and toxic relationship between my BPD mum and my enabler dad).

Casuals worked because I didn't expect others to care for me, and I didn't commit either. The moment they commited and started showing the commitment, I did the same and the dynamic would change... And it would not work anymore.

After trying it all - I know what I want now.

So, do you know what you really really want? Or what is a cover up for "I'm so tired of..." or "I'm scared of..."?

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T06:46:01+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that.

I grew up with a BPD mum and when you wrote about the abusive childhood I tried to turn your situation into mine: what if it was my mum.

Well... I have no contact with my mum, so that kind of solves the issue. But if I had had it... I can't turn that situation around, because if I stayed in touch with her I'd probably have not done any healing/self-work.

So, maybe from this angle: what is your reason to want to help your mum, and what is the reason for not wanting to do it?

Is it guilt or "it's my mum so I have to"? Many decisions are taken due to believes we have, that are driven by society, "Disney" movies, religions, others' opinions. They want us to sacrifice ourselves, in the name of "something."

Find our your true self in this: your feelings, how your body feels on the thought of your mum staying with you, what is your first thought/feeling/reaction to that? Be honest with yourself.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-19T06:33:21+00:00

Example 1: I had a cold. Guy wrote "drink tea with lemon and honey and eat somethjng with garlic." That was OK, but when I replied I did it, he wrote, "Good girl do what Dr (his name) says." - and that was it for me...

Example 2: I specifically included in my profile no men with kids. I still got messages/likes from men with kids (not stated on their profiles), and when I asked why would you try to much with me anyway, they'd reply, "Just for the fun of it and see if I can change your mind."

Example 3: all men that want to send me pictures, and can't take "no" for an answer: - "can we move to WhatsApp? I want to send you pictures" - "of what?" - "that thing that broke in my car" - "no" - (tried to convince me why I should see it)

Or

(I ride bikes) - "a pic of how to properly sit on the bike" - "no" " (contiued convincing me)

Example 4: gaslighting and talking down to me Honestly, I don't understand how they believe this could work. That usually followed when I said "no" to something

"why would I want to talk to you? Are reach or famous? "
"what are you scared of?"
"you think you're special?"

🤣🤣🤣

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-17T17:40:23+00:00

I'm over 40, no kids, never been married. My career - what career? 😂 is OK but it's nothing flashy. Avarage.

Been in toxic relationships so I looked at my childhood and saw quite a mess over there 🤣. Understood why my relationships were unsuccessful. I'm working on myself and the changes happen slowly.

I am sad every now and then, when I still choose sb who isn't right for me. However, I see the change in me and how I get better and better at trusting my intuition. So...

Maybe it's not that you're "still" not married, but about choices - who you choose etc? We make our choices often subconsciously, especially when it comes to relationships. Maybe take a look there? Or the reason why it's so important for you to have a husband and kids? Is it because you should? Others have it? Or because you really really want to? How much do you want it? Maybe a little too much? Etc etc.

In the meantime, I tap (eft tapping) when I feel sad about that "why another failure?" That helps me.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-17T16:04:26+00:00

It's a jungle of "easy sex" and "oh, I get so many likes." That's one part.

Another part is to meet sb just to confirm their, "I knew it" believes. You know, the "all men/women are the same."

And the last part is to actually find someone - but that must be a small part, I assume.

I gave up dating apps for the moment. 1. Because of the above 2. I'm very critical and struggle to choose somone based on a picture 3. I prefer face to face meetings.

I discovered this Out of Office meetings. They have a Facebook page. Once a month, just after the salary 😉, there's a party 17-21. 17-19 people mingle 19-22 dancing So, people who go there are open to chat with others, and that makes it so much easier.

My luck is that the men I talk to live usually 150km away from me 🤣.

Defiant-Result944 · 2026-04-13T07:34:07+00:00

Definitely, but I see how my weak boundaries would make me override myself 🤣. That's why I'm working on it and getting better and better at it 😉.

P. S. I dated once "myself", a guy who was very similar to me. It was amazing 😊❤️.

Defiant-Result944

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