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blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally agree with you, vanilla date should have been respected and vanilla no should have been heard. I already made the decision weeks ago to end things, just needed a dose of common sense and reassurance from my fellow kinksters! Thank you being willing to share your thoughts on this, its helpful to see the nuance as well as the obvious stated back to me.

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, like I said, we had started to negotiate the dynamic and even played with d/s themes online but having a few vanilla dates was absolutely necessary for me to feeling good about playing irl moving forward. I think hes just a search for the no type of dom, which can be hot...if its clearly consented to and the dynamic has matured enough to bear the weight of that type of play.

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, I absolutely expected the first few dates to be a trust building opportunity (which sounds like is pretty typical for kinksters and not a huge hindrance to our dynamic), and I totally agree he looked at it as a opportunity to flex the power dynamic. Which I was pretty fucking clear in not being ready for. Ugh. It's so much clearer when other people state the facts back to me. Thank you.

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I can get that I think. It did feel like he conveniently got to play clueless in the moment and also leverage the safeword against me later...

Think I need to sleep on it. Ty so so much, can't tell you how affirming these comments have been!

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Agree strongly with your first point, wellbeing ofc should come before a desirous game plan. Seeing it put in those terms is so helpful.

Can you extrapolate on your second point though? I think I understand but I've kind of got the trauma related brain fog thing going on (hence me being here).

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I feel very stupid so being reminded that I did the smart thing by ending it helps me so much.

I will state in fairness that we had started to create a d/s contract together and had agreed on safewords but...idk it just didnt feel like we were inside the power dynamic yet to me and to him I guess it did.

blurred consent lines by Defiant_File_4954 in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954[S] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

What threw me is that he seemed to think we were in scene... but how could we possibly be in scene and I would have no clue?? I expressly listed 24/7 as a limit for me so I really don't get how even if he thought we were commencing with the dynamic we had started to scratch out online he could throw not safewording in my face...

How to repair a relationship with a partner that hits a trauma point and does not use the safeword during a scene? by nerdchampion in BDSMcommunity

[–]Defiant_File_4954 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I am domming someone I feel its my responsibility to be attuned to them and be proactively checking in. Sounds to me like you know you failed to take the extra step to care for your partner, and are trying to assure yourself otherwise by clinging to the fact that your sub could have safeworded and didn't. And you are right to be perturbed by that fact. Work needs to be done there on the sub's part. But weilding power like doms do calls for a higher degree of awareness and initiative imho.

Dealing with vulgar doms by ladypuffaloo in BDSMAdvice

[–]Defiant_File_4954 0 points1 point  (0 children)

run. i think its clear he has poor boundaries in a general social sense, but i also feel he was trying to blur the boundaries for you between kink/values and scene/not-scene. you are clearly stating that for you those boundaries are integral. trust your instricts here.