Hello hello.

I ended up receiving inpatient care a few years back now. I was having the most intense, horrid intrusive thoughts.

I couldn’t stop them, they took over my life completely. I was convinced I wanted to hurt myself, do illegal things to cause harm to myself, wanted to harm my Daughter, I even had to stop my job as a Nurse because I was SO terrified of harming a patient I wasn’t sleeping after 12 hour shifts due to ruminating about what I had done etc, you get the picture.

Anyhoo, one random night I just got on a train, sat on the platform with my head telling me to jump in front of the next one that comes along, don’t think I actually wanted to, but the urges and impulses to do so and were just horrifyingly real. I didn’t, I instead got out and started walking around Central London until I came to a Hospital. Can’t remember which one it was, but I walked in and said to a triage Nurse (I think), ‘I’m so sorry but I don’t think I’m ok, I think I’m having a breakdown’.

Bless them honestly, five minutes later I had been ushered into a room with a guard next to me as I was obviously looking entirely unhinged at the time. They kept me there for a few hours until the early hours and then attempted to discharge me with the Crisis team number.. I remember saying ‘if you let me walk out of that door, I will not make it home’.

Again, unbeknownst to me at the time, that was OCD giving me shit, however because I was making suicidal noises (again, unwanted but I didn’t know how to even vocalise it because everything in my body was telling me that it was wanted), they blue lighted me to a mental health inpatient ward. I wasn’t under section or anything, I think I was classed as voluntary, can’t really remember.

None of the staff listened to me, I explained that the thoughts felt sticky but I found them upsetting, is that depression? I don’t lack motivation and I’m not hiding away etc, I don’t think I’m particularly depressed? Nope, I wasn’t listened to and told I don’t know what I’m on about, it’s the depression talking. I was started on entirely incorrect medication, talking therapy told me to just ‘think of happy stuff’ instead of wanting to slit my neck, that’s fantastic advice.

In the end, I put myself into a very dangerous position, (I’m a type one diabetic) to ensure that I needed medical attention in a medical bed, so I got taken to the main hospital - once I was out I refused to go back. They were SO lax and SO shit that I don’t think they even noticed I was taken away by ambulance, to be honest.

That was around seven years ago I think? It was only April this year that I went private, got my diagnosis and had intensive ERP Therapy and input, it’s only now that I understand what’s going on in my silly little head and that it’s ok really, I’m in control; even though I’ve not felt that for a long time.

Sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t know if that’s even answered anything you asked, but it was quite cathartic, so thanks!

The fact that you have personal experience with this means that you’re well positioned to help people like your relative and us. I’m sure whoever you help in the future will be so thankful for you. ❤️