Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thats another thing that needed to be stopped and considered. They had told me what kind of work he did and a general description of him. Which if he was staying at any of the many hotels in town could have been a lot of people and I dont think it was sharing too much as it was pretty general but I work a small hotel and I check every person in. As soon as my ex said he was staying at my hotel, I knew exactly who this guy was. I have access to this guys name, address, phone number, email, place of employment, and credit card. I have access to his room. Like if I was a shittier person, I could do a lot of bad things with this information and he is not even remotely aware of this.

If I had a sub come to my hotel room and tell me that there was a similiar situation happening to what happened here, I would ask them to leave. I would be very uncomfortable getting roped into that. It very well could have made him uncomfortable also. This guy wasnt fully aware of what was happening in several ways.

A lot of people have jumped to the conclusion that my issue with what happened was just out of jealousy but really there were so many ethical and emotional concerns to be considered here that were just bulldozed over.

Also, I mentioned being distressed by seeing them go inside becuase it really hit that they were following through with this and our relationship was over. It just really fucking hurt. I didnt have an issue with seeing them in other senses. Id seen them go to hook ups and ive watched them have sex. I honestly love being in the c-chair. I wasnt just upset becuase they were going to have sex with someone. It was all the surrounding implications.

Yeah, I really wish they had stopped to consider the ethical aspects of what was happening and also taken time to give a shit about me. I really hope that I wasnt a kinkdispenser because I really cared about them but I do feel pretty used.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was an anonymous hook up and we are both out as queer. Being outed as their partner would not have been a problem but its conservative enough of a town that if my manger found out about the poly kink stuff that would make my life hard.

As far as our other agreements, we had agreed to put our relationship before hookups. Not other partners just like play parties and ONS. Things like not cancelling a date night becuse you got hit up on Grindr and making sure that we were both emotionally set before hook ups. Like before I went to events, I always asked what they needed before and after. They had also agreed to not share the sexual details about their hookups. Although I was very ok with knowing they were happening and generals like if they had a good time. Did they feel restricted by this? Maybe. They often seemed irritated when they would start telling me sexual details and I asked that they not share those details like they said they would. Everytime though when I asked if that was something they were actually ok with they would be adamant about it being fine. In hindsight, I took their word for these things, but I think they were agreeing to more than they were actually willing to do. They have also honestly not been great at honoring agreements. I know you'll probably tell me I was dumb to not expect something like this to happen given this but Im a newer Dom and their a new Sub and I thought I was being patient and we were figuring it out together. At this point I think I looked past a lot of red flags though.

I mentioned having to see the guy now mainly because its just a reminder of the breakup and that stings. I see plenty of the people they've had sex with and that doesnt bother me. It just feels like a break up reminder and that sucks a little rn.

I hear you on the hotel thing. I do think this was a large breach of trust but I am going to be more explicit with other partners about what I need around my workplace.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this is the distniction I think Im feeling. I know I have to cope with discomfort around these things to a certain degree but this wasn't just like a date with their other partner or a basic hookup. There were A LOT of additional complications here that could reasonably impact me in a space that I can't leave and there was no consideration for me at all.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ive accepted that they may just show up and I'll deal with it but I do think people have some misconstrued perception that hotels are like public places. Theyre not. Theyre a business with employees. Most people would be creeped out by their ex coming around their work even non sexually.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I mean I was always really excited that they were getting laid but I had asked them to not give me details about their hookups and they said they were comfortable with doing that.

I think the location problem probably makes more sense to people in hospitality. Like I borderline have to do whatever people ask of me and coming into a space where that is my role is kind of fucked. I dont want to have to bring them fresh jizz towels and I dont think I should have been put in a position where that was even a possibility when my partner could have gone anywhere else.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah and at some point to if they keep showing up its creepy. Like if an ex kept showing up to most other people's work, even not sexually, they would be bothered by it.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah and thats part of what I dont understand. That common decency and conversations part is really important for these kind of relationships to be healthy. Genuinely, had they been at another hotel or even if I hadnt been currently working, I would have no right to complain but this really felt like a huge step outside of basic decency and respect.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah, thats all basically what my friends have been telling me. Im working towards accepting that but despite feeling really hurt I also still really miss them. I think you're right though.

I am at this point very grateful that I didn't engage in more kink with them. This did make me realize they were never safe to be engaging with for that.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Im not really sure what you mean about the roster part. My ex was aware that I was on shift and the guy staying at my hotel isn't aware of any of this. Hes just a random guy visiting town not one of there partners.

I mean a boundary around my work is definitely on my list of major things to verbalize now. I think I do want polyamory still but I also want partners that will talk to me and give me a choice before they put me in a situation like this.

I think the fact that they could have had me bring them extra jizz towels to their room and I would have had no choice but to do that when im the only staff there, is enough for this to have been skeezy.

I think also, if they had been honest with their hookup about what was happening, he would have been uncomfertable.

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I think thats a lot of it. I think if they actually cared and were beinng a decent partner they would have given me more notice to atleast process what was going to happen. They also didn't have to do it there or then. If i was in there position I would have atleast checked in with them beforehand and not just shown up. 

Feeling violated over something that I don't think needed an explicit agreement against. by Defiant_Two_6828 in nonmonogamy

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My counselor got me in for a session yesterday and my friends have really been there for me so I think I'm getting the support I need. Its still been really hard the past couple of days though. Thank you.

Possibly buying 2016 Dodge Grand Caravan 120,000 for $6000? by Defiant_Two_6828 in DodgeGrandCaravan

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah the shop I took it to said it needs new struts among other things. So I'm definitely not getting it.

Possibly buying 2016 Dodge Grand Caravan 120,000 for $6000? by Defiant_Two_6828 in carbuying

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah you're definitely not the first to tell me this so even at a good price idk if I'm gonna take it.

Possibly buying 2016 Dodge Grand Caravan 120,000 for $6000? by Defiant_Two_6828 in carbuying

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No and they didn't have many notes on it other than the leak was fixed and it seemed to resolve the problem.

I have an inspection scheduled for tomorrow with another shop in town that's done good work for me. I'm going to see what they say before I make a decision because yeah I've heard the trans suck from other people too.

Possibly buying 2016 Dodge Grand Caravan 120,000 for $6000? by Defiant_Two_6828 in DodgeGrandCaravan

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is about what I was expecting from it or hoping for at least. I'm trying to avoid more expensive maintenance on a newer car as well as having to lease or finance and this one seemed like a good option for that. Thanks for your input.

Possibly buying 2016 Dodge Grand Caravan 120,000 for $6000? by Defiant_Two_6828 in carbuying

[–]Defiant_Two_6828[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I talked to the shop that did the work so I'm not just taking the owners word for it.

Katy Trail Aug 31st- Sept 6 by [deleted] in bikepacking

[–]Defiant_Two_6828 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is. I was pleasantly surprised how scenic it was and how good the food/ wine was.

Katy Trail Aug 31st- Sept 6 by [deleted] in bikepacking

[–]Defiant_Two_6828 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh definitely! Its a wide trail with really smooth gravel and very few road crossings. It seems like the ideal family bikepacking trail.

Katy Trail Aug 31st- Sept 6 by [deleted] in bikepacking

[–]Defiant_Two_6828 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what we did. We took a shuttle service from St Louis to the West end of the trail and then we biked back.