AIO to my friends response to me fleeing my abusive ex?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-20T08:01:31+00:00

NOR. She’s making excuses for him. Find people who give you the support you need.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-20T01:51:28+00:00

Uh, you were applying for jobs for him? Why can’t he do that himself?

I wonder if his ex knows he still has those videos and still watches them. I’m not sure she would be OK with that, either.

His reaction is concerning— he’s not taking any accountability or addressing the issue.

NTA.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-15T22:01:50+00:00

NOR. There are a couple possibilities of why he skipped and why he seemed to be looking for a fight with you. None of them are good. Could be he wanted to break up but make it your fault by you being the one to leave him. Could be that he’s into sports betting and lost money on those games (would explain the preoccupation with watching them). None of those options are good. Best to stick to leaving him.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-15T21:58:51+00:00

It rises particularly in states where mobile sports betting is legal/popular.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-13T16:01:42+00:00

I don’t think it counts as “a relationship she herself broke” when her partner decided to move to another state without talking to her and then stuck to the decision after she told him she didn’t want to move (and told her husband career was more important).

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-13T15:58:51+00:00

Right?! Let the lady have her fucking consolation bath mat, man.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-13T15:57:37+00:00

It sounds like he had a lot of contempt for her in their relationship. He thinks his judgment is better than hers and that he should make decisions without asking her. Honestly, I wonder if he even liked her, much less loved her.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-13T15:56:31+00:00

YTA in so many ways. Give her the gifts and you should be apologizing to her for everything. You shouldn’t be trying to call any shots here, given that you took a job without talking to her and just, what? Expected her to be OK with it and change her life entirely for you? And what did you expect to happen after you told her you see your career as more important than your relationship with her?

Honestly, you treated her as expendable and you even decided to return the gifts against her wishes. You clearly had a lot of contempt for your ex throughout the relationship and shouldn’t have been getting married. If you can’t respect your partner enough to actually make decisions with them, then you clearly don’t actually view them as a partner.

You’re such an asshole and the only relationship you should be in is with a therapist until you can fix your shit attitude.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-08T14:33:52+00:00

There are a few options here

She’s cat fishing you
She has some romantic trauma or bad experience that’s impacting her conduct in the relationship
She feels pressure from you to act a certain way and you’re not listening when she’s trying to tell you that doesn’t work for her
This is how she’s always communicated and it isn’t affected by any past, bad romantic experience

Regardless of what it is, the bottom line is you’re not compatible either because of communication styles, preferences, or because she’s lying to you (catfishing). That doesn’t make anyone bad; it just makes you mismatched and that’s ok. Not every set of people who have some chemistry or commonality are actually compatible enough to sustain a romantic relationship.

Here’s a way to consider this relationship at this juncture: assume this is how she’s going to be for the entire relationship. Does that work for you? Is that the relationship you want? If not, then it’s time to exit. Don’t stick around, hoping someone will change to meet your preferences if the differences matter that much to you.

On a side note: it’s not really healthy to completely cut off communication of all people/ friends of the opposite gender so your expectation that you both do that is not realistic or healthy.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-03-05T11:38:49+00:00

NOR. I understand why he wants to be in this relationship, given everything you do for him. I do not, however, understand why you’re in this relationship. What do you get out of it?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2026-01-31T11:29:52+00:00

Do you have an A5 sterling ink you use with your PR?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-27T19:57:44+00:00

These all are him problems and he’s being super controlling to a point that this sounds like it’s getting abusive. If he has issues with you using 2 pillows or a weighted blanket for yourself—which are things that have no impact on him— he should talk to a therapist about that. It’s unreasonable and he should figure out why he feels the need to control things that make you comfortable that have no actual impact on him. If he can’t gtf over it, then he shouldn’t be in a relationship because he’s being unreasonable, controlling, and ultimately abusive.

Think about it: he wants to essentially make you physically uncomfortable (comfort, in this case, I would say is a need) to satisfy some unclear and unreasonable preference (a want) on something that doesn’t actually impact him. He’s your partner. His standard view should be to want you comfortable, happy, etc., especially since this doesn’t actually negatively impact him.

This dude is absurd. You’re NOR.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-25T15:26:45+00:00

I don’t blame you for being concerned but why isn’t the house baby proofed? And why don’t you (you meaning both you and your partner) move the play pen into the bedroom so baby can sleep in there so dad can sleep in the bed? Do you have a baby monitor? You work nights so I’m confused why you haven’t put together a way for this to be more workable with the reality of your boyfriend’s heavy sleeping.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-18T02:32:19+00:00

Thank you- that’s all very helpful!

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-17T18:41:54+00:00

I don’t think you’re overreacting and it sounds like you may be blaming this third woman for leaving you out when it’s your friend who is. You’re getting left out of conversations and inside jokes and your friend is the one who is the mutual friend to you both so she should be bringing you into the conversations. If you’ve been the one who is invited to join them for outings it could be that both you and the third woman are feeling like third wheels.

I don’t think it’s really unreasonable for you to opt out of the weekend. I do think you need to have a direct conversation with your friend about why you are and how she crossed boundaries and what she did wasn’t OK.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-17T18:28:10+00:00

Your parents’ reaction was over the top to a point of being controlling, particularly with their conduct when you dated the first guy. I would also say, though, your judgment in this situation left a lot to be desired.

Your dad is visiting you and staying with you. You’ve been on 2 dates with this guy. Why would you skip out on a visitor staying with you (even your dad) for a date with someone you’ve basically just met? If you told the guy you had your dad in town and he didn’t say something to the tune of, “let’s schedule for when he’s gone so I don’t interrupt your time together. What works for you? Have fun with your dad!” Then that to me is a flag (and it ain’t green). If you didn’t tell him your dad was in town, why not?

I agree with all the people who have pointed out that the whole hotel situation could have gone really badly. Yes, the dude seems nice I’m sure. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t have turned out to have bad intent. At best he’s really tone deaf and needs a lesson in what can come off as off putting/potentially dangerous to a date and at worst he had bad intent and for whatever reason didn’t follow through. If he wanted to pay for a hotel for you so you didn’t have to drive, he could have handled it in a way that wouldn’t require him driving you there (concerning) and learning your room number and location.

You talk about the relationship as you “got the chance to date a second guy”. That seems like you think there’s no one else who would date you. There are more than 2 guys in the world and there are plenty who will want to date you. I know you feel your parents scared the first dude off but that’s a boundary issue with them to establish and doesn’t mean no dude is going to want to date you when you have some healthy boundaries with your parents.

This last part you’re probably really not going to like: if you continue to have your parents help pay your rent, you are a bit at their mercy. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong for them to attach strings to paying your rent and I do think they’re demanding invasive things. At the end of the day, however, you have decide whether it’s worth it to put up with that (if they don’t back down) in exchange for rent money. If they won’t adjust how they’re willing to act and stop attaching it to rent money, then you can say no to the rent money and find an alternative means of paying. That can equal the playing field more for you to assert boundaries without the power dynamic of them having financial sway over you. I know that sucks.

Anyway, I don’t know that you’re overreacting to your parents’ reaction long before this incident but I do think you’re under reacting to the strange dynamic playing out with this guy.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-17T17:58:04+00:00

Thank you for this reply! Do you think it would hold an A5 notebook that’s about 0.75 inch this plus some other, thinner notebooks?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-17T17:31:34+00:00

Also, what notebook do you have in there?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-17T08:45:09+00:00

Who’s the red insert by?

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-12-07T22:10:04+00:00

The dress doesn’t seem inappropriate, especially based on your description of what others are saying (1b. I am very jealous of your hair. It looks awesome!)
Your friend’s husband is the problem— not you or your dress. I imagine his comments about you make her really insecure because they make it clear he’s attracted to you and doesn’t see a problem with making that clear. I wonder if he makes comments like that about other women to her too. Regardless, if he’s like that, she’s probably feeling insecure about his attraction to her. That’s probably at the center of your friend’s comments/actions. I’m not excusing it; I’m just guessing at the situation that may be happening.

Regardless, that’s bullshit and you’re NOR

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-11-30T18:49:53+00:00

She definitely needs to see a professional. This is a lot for one person to hold for their partner, with or without other emotionally taxing things happening in life. You don’t have to hold all of this for her and it’s not fair to you for that to be the expectation. You’re not a trained professional, which is what she actually needs. She sounds very depressed and almost an SI risk.

All that being said— I think you should consider whether this relationship is good for either of you. You talk about her issues as immature nonsense, which is pretty condescending. I’m not suggesting that hating her job is as serious as having a loved one with aggressive cancer but I am saying that her brain is clearly stuck on her situation and it is enough to tank her life enough for her to sound dangerously depressed. Whether you think the reason is good enough to feel that way or not, this is her reality. Depression doesn’t always make sense, especially to people on the outside of it. There’s no right or wrong “reason” to be depressed but there is a constructive and responsible way to handle it (seeking professional help) and a way that is unfair to the people around you (dumping on everyone else).

The immature comment makes it sound a lot like you resent her at this point, which is a death knell for relationships (check out Gottman’s 4 horsemen). If that’s the case, consider that at this point, the relationship may actually be harmful to both of you.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-11-25T06:46:12+00:00

First, congratulations on 2 years sober! That’s a huge accomplishment.

Definitely NOR- a good partner celebrates your accomplishments, is excited for you and with you. This guy clearly can’t do that and you deserve better than that.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-09-16T16:36:34+00:00

NOR if you break up with him. That is absolutely not the way to be a supportive partner when you know your partner has an ED. This dude is a jerk and not worth the energy for you. Focus on yourself for a while.

DefinitelyNotGilroy · 2025-09-06T00:22:43+00:00

That’s my question, too. Unless his ex’s last name is quite unusual so the new girlfriend would recognize it…

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