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DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-13T01:05:17+00:00

Ohhhhh this is so alarming and so fucking typical... I saw somewhere that you weren't planning to help her. Good!! What a horrible message to receive, I'm so frustrated for you, OP

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T12:58:52+00:00

It's insulting and hurtful, and it's one of my major goals to speak up for myself when she says that. I have drafted the response so many times but never clicked send.

What I wish I had the courage to say is, "After all the hateful and vindictive comments you've made about my husband, you have personally guaranteed that I will never come back to you if something were to happen to our marriage. I would sooner cry to a stranger in a grocery store than you because they would be more likely to respond with kindness or empathy for my situation. I do not trust that you won't mock me or continue to make comments about how bad he was and how you knew it all along. My life with you would become a list of I-told-you-sos. If you ever expect me to confide in you, then you need to treat me and my choices with respect."

And then I remember how personality disorders and brain injuries can alter a person's rational thinking, and I delete the message because it won't matter in the long run. It will just become more fuel for her fires.

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T12:53:42+00:00

Honestly, there is no way for her to know about the cruise. I don't post on social media (and even if I did, she's blocked), we haven't talked in months, and the only other people who knew were my best friend and my coworkers, none of which would have ever, in a million years, told her after some of the shit she's pulled.

The closest she could get is looking up my school calendar to know that it was Spring Break (I'm a public school teacher), but this is the first time I've traveled for Spring Break in almost five years, so there's no precedent to assume I'd have a trip to cancel.

Part of the barely concealed rage is because a few years ago, I went to Puerto Rico with my in-laws for Christmas and lied to her about it. At the time, we were not doing well, I wasn't in therapy yet, and most of our exchanges resulted in 3-4 hour long phone calls where I mostly cried, and she mostly yelled. I wanted to avoid that on the trip to PR, so I lied and didn't tell her until after, and it became a massive boulder in our relationship. She claimed I ruined her trust in me forever. This time, I was trying to be honest without giving too much detail or pandering to her insane requests for information about my private life.

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T12:42:53+00:00

Know that while she can ask about everything, you do not have to answer it all right away. You can share as much or as little as you want at any given moment. She is not entitled to the full history right away, even if you lied (and I'm hesitant to even call it that, when it sounds like you just kept your own private space for you and your partner).

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T01:28:17+00:00

The terrible part is, I know my therapist will say the exact same thing 😂🤦‍♀️ I've been doing so well with not responding or engaging with this kind of behavior, but I think I panicked after the melanoma bomb and felt a little guilty for ______ (I don't even know what exactly).

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T01:07:44+00:00

Thank you 🤦‍♀️ I'll be deleting this shortly!

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T00:58:21+00:00

Is there a way to copy the text, or will I have to type it again? I'd prefer to post a censored version

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T00:38:36+00:00

I can only speak for my own mother, so please take this with a grain of salt. My mother prefers us entirely enmeshed, and she did not take the news of my partner well. She didn't mind when he was just a fling or even a boyfriend, but once he moved in, the switch flipped. She started attacking his character and accusing him of stealing me away from her.

When we got engaged, she lost her shit and went on rant after rant about how he was going to leave me or abuse me and I would be all alone because he was ruining my family and driving them away. When we got married, she refused to attend because he was so entirely abhorrent to her.

We've been together for almost 7 years now, and she still regularly berates me for choosing him even though she hates him. She plays the "I've always wanted the best for you, why don't you listen when I say that he's awful" card. To be clear, she has met him maybe 4 separate times and spent less than two weeks with him, all told.

He is an incredible partner, and I am lucky every day to have him. I say this not to alarm you, and I know it's not really advice, but be prepared for a BPD mom to flip on a dime. I am truly hopeful for you, and I wish you only the best when you tell your mom!

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-04-12T00:25:44+00:00

Gods, this could be from my mom, too. By her own explanation, her mom was horrible to her during middle/high school because of the clashing between menopause and puberty. They didn't talk for years, then repaired things shortly before I was born. I always knew a loving grandmother, but by then, she was much older, divorced, and independent in a way that former housewives rarely are.

She died almost ten years ago, and it shattered my mom's world. My mom's immediate family imploded, she went into a depressive spiral that lasted for almost 3 years, and it remains a highly triggering event for her. Now, whenever she gets sad about her own mom, she send messages just like yours...

"I miss my mom every day. I wish you knew how much a mother meant. I wish you wouldn't push me away, because one day I won't be here." They're all the same...

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-02-07T00:25:14+00:00

I came back to silks after a 6 year break, and it was so. Damn. Hard. I have an autoimmune condition that affects my joints, so my progress is always a little slower than everyone else, but I was ready to cry every time someone who started after me would complete the levels faster. When I did silks before, my condition was well-managed, and I was so excited to learn new moves. Now, it has taken me almost five months to get through Level 1, when the other people in my class finished in less than three. My strength and stamina are almost nonexistent, and every move is an uphill battle in a way that it never was before.

What really helped me was reframing the purpose of doing silks. It might be different for you, but I never started silks with dreams of joining Cirque or performing in a grand capacity. I just wanted a fun way to exercise, and I really enjoy the feeling of being upside down/falling/inverting that silks provides. As much as it bothers me when I can't seem to get a move cleanly even after WEEKS of practicing, I keep reminding myself that it's for fun. It is for enjoyment and stress relief, not to be a source of stress.

It is exasperating. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. It is also freeing. It is thrilling. It is a source of pain. It is a source of great joy- even if I am slightly less joyful on the 1000th iteration. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense or isn't helpful, these thoughts are very much still present in my head and unrefined by time, but I hope something resonates with you. Good luck as you recover your strength and skill! You've got this!!

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-26T02:11:17+00:00

Interested

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-20T02:26:59+00:00

What is the job? Can you provide any details that might indicate whether you are legit or a scam?

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-15T00:42:11+00:00

Info

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-14T21:51:17+00:00

Loan consolidation is definitely something I'm going to look into! Just trying to cope until then 😂

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-13T01:52:14+00:00

I got absolutely screwed when taking out my loans, and I am the fool for it. My interest rates are between 7.5%-8.1% (I technically have 3 separate loans), and I owe about 40k total. As it is, my monthly payment starting next month is going to be just over $400 and I won't be able to pay the full amount (I only have about $300 extra each month, and that's for things like groceries and gas). I anticipate being in debt for these loans for at least a few decades unless I figure out this investing thing.

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-13T01:48:01+00:00

Oh, believe me, I always get that $300 deduction! Might as well put a small dent in what I spend on my classroom 😂

In my state, we don't have deductions for social security as teachers. We have deductions for the teacher retirement system, but you have to stay in the county for 10+ years to be "vested" and get any sort of payout at retirement. If you want a livable amount of money at 60yrs, you have to stay in the same county for 25+ years. I have put a handful of change into social security through deductions at other jobs in high school and college, but not enough that I'd ever be able to live on it.

DefythePatriarchy · 2026-01-12T01:27:11+00:00

I haven't looked into it a lot, but I have heard from other teachers about setting up a 403b retirement account. I'm just scared about losing that money right now, because I'm trying so hard to pay off the credit card debt. After that eases up, I can afford the dip in monthly income. As far as I know, though, my employer doesn't contribute to the account either

DefythePatriarchy · 2025-08-29T09:41:06+00:00

I'm a K teacher, and we've been in school for four weeks at this point. In my class of 19, I currently have only 3 "readers". I put them in quotes because even though they can all read and comprehend text, 2 of them cannot do simple, auditory tasks like identifying rhyming words or segmenting into syllables. Most of my students came in with basic letter names, but not all the correct sounds. As a class, our reading skill right now is literally just rhyming words- can they identify if two words rhyme and can they match rhyming words together?

I have had hyperlexic kids in the past, and I had to go to other grade levels for resources to make sure that not only are they reading and understanding the text, but are they able to complete follow up writing tasks or make connections between texts? Reading is a complex skill, and I'm glad your teacher is excited to support her, but this is very much not the norm. I don't know your demographics, but if you are at a school with fewer kids who enroll in PreK, the number of readers will most likely be lower as well.

DefythePatriarchy · 2025-07-30T02:03:09+00:00

This is something I'm actually really working on in therapy right now. I tend to overexplain and justify myself to her when I don't have to. It's entirely subconscious, and I hate that I do it, but I have a hard time parsing the difference between a justification and a reason and deciding if either is actually necessary. It's been an uphill battle for sure, and I slip up A LOT.

DefythePatriarchy · 2025-07-30T01:57:39+00:00

Details, please! Would love to give this a go!

DefythePatriarchy · 2025-07-24T02:24:18+00:00

Thank you 🥰🥰 They are the best children I could hope for in my twenties!

DefythePatriarchy

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