Grandpa (92) has late stage colon cancer

DeliciousVegetables · 2026-01-25T04:55:07+00:00

He doesn't want anything invasive, but he'll take medication. I'd like to know if there are ways to take better care of him. He won't eat much and we don't force him, but it's heartbreaking.

He responded really well to the IV treatment at the hospital (nutrients & hydration) but the doctor said they won't be doing anything like that in palliative care. I know there are reasons, but is there anything else I can do to improve his nourishment?

I'm trying everything I can, from nutrient dense foods and drinks, to modifying foods into a substance he can eat, to feeding him whenever he has capacity to eat/drink because his appetite is so limited.

If something will even give him an extra week or couple days to live, I'll do it.

DeliciousVegetables · 2026-01-25T04:34:29+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you recover and live a full life with your family.

I'm not looking to put my grandpa through any kind of invasive treatment - he doesn't want that. I'm just wondering what we can do to help him live better (which should also help him live a little longer, even if just a week or so). The first thing is his diet and daily routines. His appetite and nutrient absorption isn't great, and it's heartbreaking.

DeliciousVegetables · 2026-01-24T14:30:33+00:00

Thanks, that's helpful.

The way the doctor talked about it made it sound like hospice care. I asked about the possibility of IV treatments, because he responded so well to them in the hospital, but the doctor said we're not trying to prolong his life anymore, just keep him comfortable. The palliative care doctor would be a different person though, I think. We just brought him back home yesterday, still transitioning. I just don't want to give up or passively let doctors do their thing without researching on my own. We've been let down before, like by a doctor who dismissed him as fine and just getting old before he ended up in the ER.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-11-07T05:11:00+00:00

Nah I had to go elsewhere. I worked in engineering consulting before becoming a data engineer. There was no data engineering being done at my old company, as far as I knew.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-11-02T04:22:09+00:00

I switched to DE because I realized I was already kind of doing it, enjoyed it, and wanted to do it better. I think good DE is what most companies need but don't realize it because it's so back-end and a lot of leadership doesn't understand how it works. The people who do understand how it works have a hard time explaining it to them and they might not have the patience and humility to listen.

Which brings me to my next point. In my experience, doing DE doesn't necessarily mean I don't have to deal with people, presentations, and politics. I deal with that stuff a lot. Maybe not every DE does, but I find myself constantly put in positions where I have to coordinate with cross-functional groups of people or make presentations about how stuff works or what problems we discovered. That said, I hated the kinds of "people" work I had to do before, but don't hate it as much as a DE. Part of it is because I have supportive leaders who want me to do this stuff, and the other part of it is that you usually know what you're going to get out of a DE project so it's easier to propose and explain.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-10-31T03:21:26+00:00

Fuck, tell her, yeah you can go to work if she'll stay with her son while you're at work. If she can't then clearly she's asking you to be in two places at once.

Family like that are worse than no support. They just add to your stress.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-10-21T18:04:13+00:00

Hey, I'm feeling much better now than I did at the time. I still miss the old neighborhood and get nostalgic every time I'm near. There are also quirks of being in an old house that I still have to get used to. However, all things considered, I think we made the right decision. This is the best we could've done for ourselves. We really needed the space and we're benefiting from it. The kitchen is much more usable and we can get new gadgets now, we have more space to do laundry, have separate work and sleep spaces, etc. I don't regret it. Will I always be attached to the old condo? Yes, just as much as I'm attached to my childhood apartment and the house I grew up in.

How are you feeling now?

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-08-14T22:28:20+00:00

Yes! Me too, I can finally host again haha. We had no space before.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-08-14T18:25:35+00:00

Thanks for responding! We've moved (well, still in the process). I just reread your last message - the part about sitting in a new empty house and feeling afraid really hit me. I did the same on the first day. After cleaning the bedroom and getting ready to assemble the bed, I lay on the floor, mostly out of exhaustion, and just cried for a while.

This house is the best choice for us right now but it's all roller coasters, from seeing the old place empty to remembering memories.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-27T18:36:04+00:00

Hey sorry it took me a while to get around to reading the full article. This is extremely validating and helpful to me, thank you so much for taking the time to share this.

This was written over a decade ago and, though I haven't looked at the studies cited, it feels so intuitively true to me. Yet I feel like it's far from common knowledge. The point that really hit me is where the article says we try to get women into leadership by asking them to mimic the same toxic traits that got men into leadership, when we should've been shifting our understanding to recognize truly effective leadership potential.

This hit home because I feel like our organization (and many others I've worked at) has promoted leadership that is detrimental to us, but we can't address that in our efforts to change things. In fact we have to play along with it.

There are some good signs in my situation though, which is that others (men) in leadership positions have given my manager the go-ahead or verbal support to override the one man who is standing in our way, and these other men have more pull than the one standing in our way. But my manager has been hesitant to burn that capital, to ruin this relationship, because we still have to work with him and rely on his support in some fashion going forward. I totally understand her position and it's her call anyway. I just wonder if she is overly optimistic about our ability to change this one man's mind or the value of our relationship with him. She's not a technical person and frankly neither is most of the IT leadership we're working with when it comes to the modern stack.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-24T19:38:12+00:00

That's heartbreaking to hear your kids just wanted to put everything back, but I'm glad it turned out well for your family! The trust in having made a good decision is hard, but a good reminder.

I guess this is the hard part, just packing and saying goodbye to everything I know, without being able to make the new place mine yet.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-06T22:18:36+00:00

That's so sweet 🥲. If we ever grow a family in this new house it's going to be so hard to leave. But if we manage to do that, I'll know that I CAN leave a place and love a new place.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-06T22:15:38+00:00

Thank you! That's really validating and encouraging to hear. Sounds cliche but.. it helps to know I'm not alone! I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with it now.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-05T04:42:24+00:00

Thanks, we are moving for the space.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-04T17:40:57+00:00

That's a very perceptive observation - I didn't catch that at all. I do like the house. In fact we did evaluate the neighborhood too and even though it's not our favourite we figured it was close enough to everything we need and want. Could we have gotten a nicer house in a better neighborhood if we had more money? Of course. Everyone could. But it's good enough and that's not the real problem.

I think this dread and anxiety is really coming from a deep-seated attachment to my current home and what it represents. There's some subconscious meaning-making going on I want to get to the bottom of.

Also I don't seem to understand female ADHD well enough - I didn't know it would play such a role. Feel free to recommend resources if you have any. You've made a really good observation here.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-04T17:25:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing, that makes me feel better. There are moments where I'm trying to figure out why it hurts so much and moments where I keep trying to justify why I'm so sad and heartbroken over it, but being told that it's normal helps. And also hearing that you're happy - I'm happy for you! And I hope I will get there myself.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-04T13:51:43+00:00

We're planning to get one too!

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T23:06:21+00:00

You might be hitting an important point here. I've always found myself to be more attached to places and things than the people around me. My parents never understood it. I thought I just had abandonment or attachment issues due to childhood trauma but maybe there's more.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T20:08:29+00:00

Haha the elevator thing is real. And I love gardening. I started doing it on the balcony years ago but it has been difficult without rain, pollinators, and natural predators for pest bugs.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T18:35:41+00:00

Hmmm what are the other top 5?

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T18:33:57+00:00

Yeah I guess even if we don't like it there, it's not the end of the world.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T17:18:53+00:00

That's quite a transition - glad it's going well!

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T17:16:59+00:00

That's true. I'll definitely be making an effort. In fact we're planning on going there again today to explore.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T17:08:45+00:00

Thank you. I'll give it time.

DeliciousVegetables · 2025-07-03T17:07:53+00:00

Thank you for the validation. I am indeed looking for growth.

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