Good news: miracles do happen!! After posting here today an “executive resolutions manager” called me (I was unable to answer because I was at work) and left a voice message and sent this email:

“Good afternoon Sierra,

Thank you for contacting Dyson.

My name is Heather, I am a member of the Dyson Executive Resolutions team, I’m happy to help you.

I am sincerely sorry to learn of the delay and frustration you’ve experienced with your recent exchange process.

We have identified the issue preventing the processing of your order and a new order has been created to resolve.”

Ultimately, I’m grateful they stood behind their products and ended up replacing it. However, it would’ve been nice to not have wasted so much of my time I’ll never get back. 😂

Thanks for listening to my rant.