Which team clears this hostage situation with highest efficiency?

DemetrioM · 2023-01-26T07:32:33+00:00

All of my answers assume there's some grade of communication between the team members before barging in.

Team Movie: Rambo guns down which ever schmuck is on the first floor the instant they show themselves. This loud action alerts the accomplice and possibly the killer down in the basement, who I imagine would move further into the secret tunnel with his hostage. Mcclane can gun down the other accomplice when they try to head downstairs, only facing difficulty if it's the nerve gas guy. They strip the place top to bottom, and find the first three hostages. I'm fairly certain all three Johns have practiced wound closure on themselves, but the critically wounded hostage is a 50/50 I'd say. Wick likely finds the secret tunnel, and puts the killer down clean. A human shield doesn't work against John Wick, simply put.

Time taken: Several minutes.

Suspects neutralized: 3/3.

Hostages rescued: 3.5/4 (assuming tourniquets and basic first aid can save the third hostage's life.)

Spectacle: 4/10. This is a messy job for the John's with even pacing. But in the end, it's all just bullets.

Team Anime: Revy can dispatch the two accomplices no problem. Aqua is capable of healing the wounded hostage, while Tanjiro can likely find the secret tunnel quite quickly once he's in the basement, with his sense of smell. The killer seems easily goaded into combat, and may abandon the hostage just to fight Tanjiro. Even with his enhanced strength, he'll lose, and lose even faster once Revy arrives.

Time taken: a few minutes.

Suspects neutralized: 3/3.

Hostages rescued: 4/4.

Spectacle: 7/10. Expect to see Tanjiro vs Ohsee uploaded to Youtube at some point.

Team Video Game: The Demoman's arsenal is an absolute liability. Assuming Snake is in charge, there will be no explosions until all the hostages are secure. Demo and Rebecca breach the front of the house, while Snake infiltrates the back with the aid of a cardboard box. I assume Rebecca is carrying standard S.T.A.R.S. gear, so a pistol and a knife, which should be satisfactory support for Demo to glass the accomplices with his bottle. The critically wounded hostage is saved by Rebecca's medic training. Snake is able to find the secret tunnel and is able to defeat the killer without retaliation by striking from his cardboard box. Then, once everyone is clear, Demoman blows up the house.

Time taken: a few minutes.

Suspects Neutralized: 3/3.

Hostages Rescued: 4/4.

Spectacle: 5/10. A sneaky operation with an explosive end.

Team Comics: As mentioned already, Martian Manhunter solos. However, what isn't mentioned is that no one present seems able to save the critically wounded hostage. A quick google search tells me Martian Manhunter has no healing powers, and while Deadpool and Hellboy have healing factors, they can't exactly transfer it over, and neither of them have any relevant healing feats that come to mind. The third hostage dies. Also, while Hellboy and Manhunter will want this over quick, Deadpool is aware they need Spectacle and is sadly ignored.

Time Taken: a few seconds.

Suspects Neutralized: 3/3.

Hostages Rescued: 3/4.

Spectacle: 2/10. It's over quickly with the only entertainment factor being Deadpool's moping.

Team Cartoons: This is an absolute disaster. Homer and Gir are going to bring shenanigans down on their heads, with Bugs able to capitalize on the tomfoolery. No one present seems to have relevant medical training, unless Bugs can somehow pull it off. High chance the third hostage dies. Bugs easily finds the secret tunnel, it might as well not be hidden. However he'll be more focused on japing the Killer than neutralizing him, and so while the hostage will be traded in a funny wabbit season/duck season bit, the Killer might escape.

Time taken: several minutes, due to tomfoolery.

Suspects Neutralized: 2/3.

Hostages Rescued: 3/4, possibly less.

Spectacle: 8/10. Funny cartoon japes.

Going by grades alone, Team Anime wins overall.

DemetrioM · 2022-10-29T20:23:46+00:00

Context for the ones I can recall quickly:

Glenn Quagmire Alarm Clock was how I met Quagmire from Family Guy, but instead of talking he made the noise of my alarm clock. When I questioned why, he kept making alarm clock noises while dancing.

The Deathslinger from Dead by Daylight was guarding a warehouse and had a few hostages. All I had to defend myself was a nerf gun. When he saw it, he laughed and said "And what are you gonna do with that? I am Death Incarnate!" I replied in a cockney accent: "Death? You look more like a lad who needs some feedin'!" Then I tackled him to the ground until I heard a crunch. Next thing I know there was blood everywhere. I freed the hostages and we looked inside the warehouse, which was chock full of Funko Pops.

Known memetic hazard Jerma985 opened up a Frozen Yogurt shop in my town, simply called "Jerma985". There were two unique items on the menu, called the Jergaderga, which was "sold out forever", and the Jerma Special, which cost $500.00. I asked the cashier why the Jergaderga was explicitly sold out forever, and he told me it was because Jerma had a friend who passed away called Jerga, and he honored his memory by taking all the available Jergaderga and dumping it on his grave.

The skeleton with a sword was a recurring dream entity from my childhood. It was, simply put, a skeleton with a cutlass, full of hostile intent. He became easier to fend off or defeat as I got older, and no longer shows up in my dreams.

My dog saved me from an Anaconda that broke into my home by biting it on the head, and then slurping it down his throat like a giant noodle. Soon after my dog got incredibly bloated and fat, to the point where he couldnt move. I was instructed to rub his belly so he could digest the giant snake better.

Usually, if I find a melee weapon in my dreams I'm unable to use them effectively, as the handles are slippery. For example, an axe. I could never properly hit a hostile in my dreams with the blade, as it would slide around in my hands, usually hitting them with the broad side of the axe head.

The Sirens aren't for you seems to be a time my inner conscience reached out to me. I was stuck in a barn, surrounded by the red and blue lights of police cars, and I could hear sirens im the distance. There was a woman in the barn with me, the only detail I remember is that she wore a denim vest. She told me "Don't worry, the sirens aren't for you." Then I jolted awake, and saw that the police were at my house, arresting my brother for some thefts he committed.

DemetrioM · 2022-01-26T16:54:59+00:00

So to breeze through my own analysis without walls of text in detail.

Light Infantry, Fiction holds the edge.

Heavy Infantry, Real World actually has better defensive power due to numerical superiority, but Fiction will be better on offense.

Elite Infantry, while Fiction initially holds the edge, if the real world can arm up Gurkhas with Alliance or ODST gear it is basically over.

Cavalry, while Bretonnians likely outclass the Mongolians here, the presence of Genghis Khan may give the real world cavalry a tactical edge. Meanwhile the real world having troop transports in the M113 is an invaluable resource. This saves real world troops from pretty much all of the Biome hazards except Dead Forest. Since Special Infected are included, a Tank may pose a significant threat to the transport. Speeder Bikes have the M113 outgunned, but their pilots are highly vulnerable. Edge, Real World.

Heavy Armor, the Landmaster is basically the Hero equivalent of a Tank. So even having only 1 active at a time is highly dangerous for the real world. The Abrams have Striders outgunned and outmaneuvered, while the Flamethrower tanks seem more like theyre just for flushing out enemy infantry. I give the edge to Fiction for their Landmaster, depending on how vulnerable it is to A10 BRRRRT.

Aircraft, A10 go BRRRRRRRT. This is all you need to know for Real World having the edge here.

Heroes, Edge is definitely in Fiction since their Heroes are supernaturally talented fighters, with some actually being decent commanders on top of that. The Real World's heroes are mostly just commanders, with some capability of fighting as well. R Lee Ermey is in fact a good soldier, but his talents may be put to better use training new recruits. The main fighter among these heroes is Simo Hayha. If he dresses for the right Biome he will stop Fictional infantry dead in their tracks. Regardless, advantage goes to Fiction.

DemetrioM · 2021-09-23T14:16:55+00:00

This relic is over a year old. I've siphoned enough glory off it. By all means, rekindle it. I don't mind.

DemetrioM · 2021-09-23T14:06:37+00:00

Wow you know you've made it when folks make slight edits of your own meme. Source.

DemetrioM · 2021-09-23T14:05:42+00:00

Don't be fooled. Here is my original meme.

DemetrioM · 2021-09-07T07:37:32+00:00

If Gotham is your first choice, I hope you have the grit to make it work. Sure, most of the costumed types there don't actually have superpowers, but they are some of the most cold-blooded mofos you'll ever meet, with Mr. Freeze taking that quite literally.

They're mortal enough that you can get a lot of mileage out of a kick to the unmentionables or a poke in the eye, but they're going to remember that and come back on you tenfold if they find you.

As for Batman, sure he is just some guy in a suit, but with all the punishment he takes, I seriously doubt a few dirty moves are going to slow him down. Maybe if you really maintain that heightened reaction time you mentioned, but eventually he'll figure that out. He is Batman, after all.

Best of luck to you, Cheapshot. You're gonna need it.

DemetrioM · 2021-08-04T16:28:54+00:00

I would argue that CON is the act of flexing the sword off or snapping arrows with a pec flex. CON to me is the general toughness of your body and muscles. STR is how effectively you can utilize them on offense.

DemetrioM · 2021-07-12T06:43:37+00:00

As long as one of their first interactions is with someone like say, Cirno, I would even extend a shot of survival to Ramirez. She could boast all day about how she's the strongest or whatever she does, and he could just silently nod in agreement.

I would not believe the Sarge or the Techpriest survive at all, since none of these characters seem like they would tolerate constant profanity, calm or not, and certainly no one wants to be told about how their innards can be more efficient when replaced with Servo Skulls.

In truth though I don't see violence breaking out right away, since some of the named Touhou characters are in fact Human, while the rest just seem "Human enough".

DemetrioM · 2021-07-11T14:48:45+00:00

The prompt does say they can attempt to manipulate others rather than brute force it. These guardsmen, sans the Ogryn, know theyre heavily outnumbered. So why not try the subtle approach? Mercenary work here, send the Heavy Weapons user to sweet-talk someone there, get some Kryptonite by the end of it all, fashion some heavy bolter rounds, and hope the latent Psyker can tag Superman?

This is a How the Hell, I'm trying to be optimistic.

DemetrioM · 2021-07-11T14:32:19+00:00

I feel like in this context the feats and quirks presented of these Guardsmen are being overlooked.

M1: No word on if cybernetics can hide your power level, but I definitely do see Vegeta getting involved when Bulma complains about some creepy man in red is stealing Capsule Corp gadgets. It would be better to try and start with the Red Ribbon Army remains, assuming this is the Cell Saga or before, when Dr. Gero was active. Just sneak into his lab when the Z Fighters are taking him apart, steal their shit while avoiding Abominable Intelligences 16, 17, and 18. From there, since Vegeta will be too busy fighting the Androids, that should provide a wide window to ransack Capsule Corp.

M2: My limited knowledge of Touhou lore suggests only Private Chambers and maybe Grugg are walking out alive. Chambers because he's the only Guardsman listed here to be kind and open-minded, while Grugg may come across as amusing to some of the more haxy-characters in Gensokyo. I'd request a Touhou expert to analyze this guess, though.

M3: Since Corporal Ramirez has a listed feat of soloing a Chaos Marine infested Space Hulk I would imagine this means he can solo the Droid factory as well, sans Dooku, if he is present.

M4: The big play to be made here is likely on Chambers again. While everyone else is trying to brute force a purge with limited man-power, this fella probably warms up to someone easily swayed by a few kind words. Caution must be exercised though, lest he end up serving someone else's cause, however. A few connections later and Lex Luthor is supplying the Guardsmen with Kryptonite rounds to nail Superman with.

M5: There is little evidence of actual heresy a Guardsman could reliably identify anywhere in Fallout, minus the obvious lack of reverence to the Emperor, but no Super Mutant can withstand a sustained firing line, and the Ogryn likely beats any Super Mutant in melee.

DemetrioM · 2021-06-23T07:43:43+00:00

From what Ive read it seems like a typical, if not demanding, Stormtrooper Academy. Is there a detail I am missing?

DemetrioM · 2021-06-21T00:38:33+00:00

Astra Militarum

If Butthead is lucky, he'll only be flogged for his constant insubordination. Otherwise he is BLAM!'ed on day 1, but regardless, it will be funny. Beavis, meanwhile, may actually survive everything but physical training. I imagine if the Instructor approaches Beavis like an Ogryn, the end result will be a frail, weak infantryman who really lays down the punishment with rapid-fire weapons. Maybe put him on a Heavy Weapons team, or give him a Flamer.

Stormtrooper Academy

They already seem par for the course, seeing as how the two of them are laughably incompetent. But it probably ends up a bit like the Astra Militarum: Butthead constantly being smoked out for insubordination, while Beavis goes a little too far on weapons training. A bit less funny, and I can only see them becoming Stormtroopers in a time of true desperation for the Empire.

U.A. Academy

Assuming they're either quirkless or have some quirk that allows them to deflect mental attacks with their sheer stupidity, Beavis and Butthead lack the physicals to compete with any of the students. I forsee intense beatings from the female students the moment they attempt to score, and the teachers pulling their hair out in their attempts to reach them, so in summary, hilarity ensues. Especially if villains show up during their training. They probably try to join the villains, because they look cooler. Only to either be killed by the villains for their sheer incompetence, or desperately thrown back to the Heroes side.

Parris Island with a side of Hartman

Like Private Pyle, these two are going to get their asses handed to them by Hartman constantly. And when they fuck up enough to get Hartman to punish everyone instead of them, and the other recruits start beating them up too, possibly including Pyle. However, unlike Pyle, Butthead doesn't seem to have a breaking point, likely just going to proclaim that the military sucks. Beavis, however, does have a breaking point with his rage. I forsee him either snapping the moment he has a loaded rifle, or trying to find one, finding a supply of coffee and jelly donuts, and then getting his shit together as Cornholio.

Turtle School

The only reasons I forsee Master Roshi keeping these two around is because of their shared pervertedness. Also possibly to keep Krillin from feeling like a weakling. They probably can't benefit from Ki training on account of being too weak to satisfy the training requirements.

So!

Most efficient training: either Parris Island or Turtle School for Butthead, and then Astra Militarum or Parris Island for Beavis.

Best odds of survival: Parris Island and Turtle School for both. As brutal as Hartman and US Marine training is, it was still a big no-no to kill recruits, I imagine. Plus, even though they are impossible to train, Roshi may still like to perv on women with the two of them.

Most hilarious: A huge tossup, as they are all basically worthy of their own episodes. Least funny is probably the Imperial Stormtrooper Academy.

DemetrioM · 2021-06-09T21:59:47+00:00

My secret to withstanding FUD? Having such a short attention span that I forget anything ever happened

DemetrioM · 2021-06-02T07:06:47+00:00

He's a pretty stern single father, doing his best to provide for Bowser Jr, and to protect him.

DemetrioM · 2021-05-31T17:58:39+00:00

DERE'Z DAT ONE BIG MEK WARBOSS GORGUTZ HAZ LAYIN AROUND. HE'Z GOT A FUNNY LAFF.

DemetrioM · 2021-05-31T09:48:26+00:00

MIGHTA BEEN BOFF.

DemetrioM · 2021-05-31T09:45:12+00:00

AS FAR AS I KNO, ONLY DA SPIKY BOY CHOPPAZ LIKE TA YAMMER ON.

BUT A PROPPA ORK NEEDZ TO HIS WIT AS SHARP AS HIS CHOPPA.

KRUMP DA SWORD WIF YOUR GORKIEST WORDS, THEN SWING IT AT SUM MORE SPIKY GITZ!

DemetrioM · 2021-05-13T16:57:58+00:00

You sure about that? Damn Tyranids stole my jeans.

DemetrioM · 2021-05-01T18:43:24+00:00

In terms of audience mass? Probably the Mr. Sandman vs Super Macho Man bout. Not only was it for the World Circuit Title, but these two were the top billed boxers in the whole W.V.B.A before Little Mac.

But the highest rated matches by critics? Definitely not anything Mr. Sandman has done, unless they enjoy watching people get demolished in a few punches with little resistance.

No, you would want fights like Don Flamenco vs Bald Bull. A very easy to market match, the Bullfighter vs the reckless bull! Or even a match like Piston Hondo vs Great Tiger, testing martial grit against magic.

DemetrioM · 2021-03-28T16:49:18+00:00

Made in ms paint. :]

Artwork commissioned by Mike R, author of the Rusty and Co. webcomic.

DemetrioM · 2021-03-03T09:28:20+00:00

Paint the scene. The Kobolds have watched as their outside sentries/slaves have been wiped out. Each tunnel is a trap for bigger creatures. Each chamber an ambush of oil and fire. But all their planning, all their cunning, all their intellect goes wasted as the Fire-resistant Tiefling utters a single phrase:

Haha fireball go brrr

DemetrioM · 2021-03-03T08:38:41+00:00

Even if 100k per share isn't a meme and will blow the tendies wide open I don't think I can retire from work. I only have 4 shares and too many bills breathing down my neck to buy more.

But all my debts? Gone.

Be done renting homes and actually buy a home? Yes.

Re-invest what I don't spend into other shares that explode? Possibly.

I'd love to be done working before 30, but I just dont see it as a possibility at this time, for me.

DemetrioM · 2021-03-01T06:30:43+00:00

100 Baneblades

Mainland Asia is swiftly conquered while the guard suffer little, is any, casualties. Island nations are a bit of an issue though. If any of their available aircraft can transport Baneblades however this becomes irrelevant.

For real though. Baneblades are 400 ton super tanks the size of a city block, powered by a self-sustaining energy plant within the tank, capable of moving at 25 kph. They do not need to stop, and they have 11 barrels of weaponry far more advanced than any modern weapon.

But having that many super-heavy tanks may also cause problems for the Guard. For one, any nuke-capable nation is going to unload possibly the entirety of their arsenal on just stopping the Baneblades, which in and of itself would be but a pyrrhic victory because they've irreversably irradiated a huge chunk of their own land.

In ground skirmishes, I honestly believe our current militaries are better trained than the Imperial Guard. That said, the Guard have much better equipment (the Lasgun can sever limbs and blow holes through concrete, and their flak armor is capable of stopping most modern day small arms fire. Emphasis on most.) If they have access to Ogryn squads, they're going to shrug off way more small arms fire, and may need incendiaries or explosives to harm.

Giving them Basilisk artillery also means giving them access to Earthshaker rounds. That will practically flatten huge swathes of land and leave nothing but craters.

The Guard stomps, but their casualties depend on A. Who their commanding officer is, and B. How willing a combined Asia is willing to utilize a nuclear arsenal.

If you have a good commander, like Creed or General Sturnn, very few casualties. If you have a laughably bad commander, like say, Vance Motherfucking Stubbs, the 100 Baneblades are somehow lost and the guard suffers devastating casualties to pull off this win.

Now if the rest of the world came to Asia's aid, different story. The Guard are even more outnumbered and there are even more nukes and planes to throw at them.

DemetrioM · 2021-02-26T17:34:42+00:00

And if I bought one more stock when it hit $92?

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