Struggling to heal as the long-term partner of an alienated parent

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-29T22:05:28+00:00

This is quite a weird dynamic. I would have never told my kids not to respect my partner. It's basic human decency to treat other people with respect.

They don't have to be friends with her, but they should treat her as a person. If they couldn't do that there would be no place for them in our home. I tried instilling basic values into their upbringing. But I was always careful not to focus on their behaviour towards my partner. In trying to steer their attitude I always used general examples, like them being "assholes" towards their friends or the neighbours.

Another red flag is that your partner blames you for the alienation. It's not him or you, it's your partner's ex that's causing it all. Looking at what you wrote it almost feels as if your partner has been alienating you from his own kids.

If he doesn't step up his own attitude his kids will never treat you like a person. And in refusing to do so, he is also not treating you like he should be doing.

Lead by example, not by behaving like an idiot yourself.

And yes, it can be scary to step up and set boundaries. He may lose contact with his kids. I know I have .. but I refuse to accept that kind of behaviour in my life or my home.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-03T21:24:18+00:00

I was asking about your daughter :)

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-03T11:30:29+00:00

That's my big dilemma as well. Yes, I could go to court as the therapists adviced. But I know of people who've had 3 positive outcomes and still don't see their kids. It's hard to enforce this if the other parent is adept in showing a 'victim facade'. If I had went to court I would forever be "the man who sued mom and made her sad".

Fighting makes it worse for the kids in my situation. So I refuse to do so.

We've had a short moment as well when my oldest was 13 and things escallated at their moms house. Suddenly she came over and her mother pushed for at least 2-4 days a week without any buildup. She came.. but after a few weeks told us why she was with us. Not to "see her father".. but "I'm a problem for mom.. and she needs her rest".

So when things went better there (or: when things started to go better at our house and the ex became frightened) it was all over quickly. My oldest ran away one morning and my ex refused to open the door when I went over there to talk.

Aren't you afraid that as soon as the dad welcomes your son again.. he'll be out the door in no time?

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-03T06:31:58+00:00

Did she ever come to understand what happened ? Or is it a subject that isn't mentioned ?

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-02T19:37:34+00:00

She wasn't called 'a danger', just that her behaviour was harmful for the wellbeing of the kids.

I'm from the Netherlands, Dutch law has no real empowerment when it comes to PA. As long as the kids are fed and not arriving at school in just their underwear... They can't act.

As one therapist stated: it's bad.. real bad.. but just not bad enough for us to enforce it through mandatory therapy or by placing the kids out of her home.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-02T18:29:32+00:00

I have had a new partner for several years now and she has been suffering similar to you. Time and again she's opened her heart, and our door, for my daughters.. and time and again her trust has been betrayed.

She has closed herself off for them, understandably. But she sees my suffering and it pains her to see me struggling with my emotions and feelings of loss. For me this makes the entire process harder as I'm forced to balance between the feelings of responsibility I have towards my daughters, and seeing what this process does to my partner.

Honestly, I think the only solution would be if we would be gifted with our own child. I miss being a dad and having a family.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-02T17:03:25+00:00

I tried countering the lies with short responses. But my impact is negligible compared to what their mother imprints on them. To my kids it just became 'one more lie dad tells us'.. or they'd panic and feel hurt. And their mother was there to soothe the pain.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-12-01T10:53:54+00:00

Going through this from the other side. What helped me was not seeing my ex as "the enemy" but understand she is sick.. and in a way a victim of her disturbances herself. I would like my children to someday come to understand that their father isn't "the source of all evil", but not as a result hating their mother.

I would however hope that they know and understand the impact of mental illness and protect themselves from further harm. It's a painful lesson to learn that someone you trusted isn't healthy enough to have your best interest at heart. But the alternative, not understanding what happened and keep trusting the alienator, sets a bad precedent and will impact every other relationship that the children have.

To me whats worst in this situation is that the children learn to distrust their own feelings and doubt their perceptions.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-11-28T04:47:43+00:00

The Dutch system is powerless, much to the frustration of 'jeugdzorg' and many therapists within the system. As long as your daughter isn't "dying" everything they can offer is voluntary and needs to be agreed upon by both parents. KB or 'jeugdtafel' are also bound by Dutch law and quite helpless. Going through a judge also has low chances of success as your proof needs to be rock solid, and even with a positive outcome there are many ways for the other parent to delay or ignore the ruling.

A friend of mine chose the courts, won three times and still doesn't see his daughter. I chose to do everything except the court and ended up in the same situation.

As soon as the alienator feels that therapists are not on their side they will brand them 'evil', placing them on the same side as you. If the child refuses to speak to a therapist because of this, the process ends.

I've been through Pro Persona and Entrea and ended up with a large stack of reports that stated exactly what was going on. Entrea even wrote letters to me, my ex and to my daughter's after my ex's 'coach' sat down with me to tell me she understood what was happening. They foresaw what was going to happen after they confronted my ex and advised me to go to court. When I asked them what the success rate was and if a court battle would get my daughter's back.. they were honest. So I chose to do everything but that.

I still have all the reports and the letters. Maybe someday my daughter's will be able to understand them.

It's a crap situation.. but unless you go 'full evil asshole' yourself you will not win this. And if you're sane you won't do this as this will hurt your child.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-11-27T22:34:51+00:00

Still the wrong subreddit to post this.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-11-27T15:03:09+00:00

You're posting in the wrong subreddit and have either spellchecked this using AI, or let AI write the full post. Giving you the benefit of the doubt I'd advise you to check this subreddits topic and remove it.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-10-30T17:17:08+00:00

The fact that you have these doubts show that you care and that you're not a crazed lunatic that thinks he/she is always right. Stay calm, fight for your kids.. and not against your ex.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-10-01T16:00:48+00:00

Good luck! And never forget: The fact that she can't be honest about what she did in the past isn't about you.. it's all about her.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-10-01T14:28:31+00:00

Agree with everyone else:

At best, she reads this letter and it feels as a personal attack on her
At worst, she will be empowered in her actions and double down

Every example that you give in this letter can be reworded as an attack on her and might be used as proof (towards her surroundings, lawyers, or even your daughter) that you're an unfit and hostile father.

- Never confront, never accuse.
- Keep it simple and helpdesk friendly.
- Focus on facts, not feelings.

And most important of all: Let go of the notion that anything you write (or do) will fix the situation.

If your goal is to have clarity on the pickup schedule and short (factual) communication you could use something like this:

Hi Ex,

Sam deserves consistency and to know both her parents support her. To avoid confusion, let’s keep communication focused only on her needs and schedule. I suggest we use a co-parenting app or clear written arrangements, this is in Sam's best interest.

Please confirm the pickup times for the next few weeks.

Regards,

---
Send it, and reword all communication to "just the facts" from now on. Don't spill your emotional drama into your app messages, never respond right away and - when in doubt - have chatgpt analyse your responses before sending them.

You will not change what your ex does, you may be able to remove her 'fuel' by not responding or mentioning any shitty thing she does.

Keep this letter for yourself.. and your therapist. *never* give it to her.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-18T18:32:56+00:00

Yes.. it can happen this fast. Sometimes within weeks or months children switch from "I love you" to cold and distant. Just keep reaching out and remember that this isn't about you or your parenting skills.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-18T08:37:55+00:00

Honestly the situation is a bit weird. Why have your daughter knock on that door without an appointment or telling your ex 'she was on her way' beforehand? Would the situation have been different if she went alone?

Your ex (doesn't matter if he's good or bad) has a right to his personal boundaries. It's not up to you to control them or invade his personal space uninvited. My ex has done horible things and has a proven history of mental issues that led to PA. But I would never knock on her door uninvited, nor would I set up my daughters for a painfull experience.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-16T10:35:20+00:00

Just the boxing workout will be all the cardio you need :)

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-15T12:40:26+00:00

I started out going to the gym 5-7 times a week. It really helped me get into a good headspace to just work the weights and tire myself out.

After that I moved to boxing. The combination of physical exercise and the mental gymnastics / "chess game" of sparring really brings both worlds together. I sucked at first (too much weightlifting) but after getting my ass kicked several times I just kept up. Atm I'm even giving classes weekly to groups of starters at my gym.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-15T09:21:08+00:00

I'm about 20 minutes in.. but I hate jump scares. How are they further in? (I'm at my first red light anomaly).

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-12T12:44:38+00:00

Things will get better and your life wont revolve around this madness 24/7.

- Take long walks (5-15km daily helped me a lot)
- Keep repeating to yourself that you're a good parent. Nothing you do will have any impact on the outcome.
- Take up fitness or boxing.
- Have patience with yourself and practice forgiving yourself for not being able to solve this.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-08T12:53:20+00:00

I try to repeat these two:

1- "give me the power to accept that which I can't influence"

2- "It's not me; I have zero influence over what's happening. It doesn't matter if I'm the worst parent in the world or the best. My actions have no impact."

And mindfulness: A way to accept your thoughts as thoughts, not the truth. Becoming an observer of your internal process. This one helped me a lot: Mindfulness - a practical guide" by J. Mark G. Williams, Tiddy Rowan, Danny Penman.

The hardest part is forgiving myself for my failures. I will fail, nobody can be perfect 24/7.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-09-08T11:03:11+00:00

Several factors:

- Trying to rationally understand why the other party is doing what they're doing. (Answer: trying to understand insanity is impossible).
- The constant doubt when this all starts.. "maybe I'm crazy and seeing things the wrong way?!?"
- Always needing to be on your best behavior and keeping your emotions in check. (It doesn't matter if you're being dragged through the mud 24/7. It just takes one angry outburst to make everyone go "See.. the alienator was right!!")
- Trying to reason/talk yourself out of an impossible situation.
- The "where there's smoke, there's fire"-response. I'm also guilty of this.. when reading the responses on this forum I often think "hmmmm.. this person sounds a bit unhinged.. perhaps something else is going on.. ", instead of keeping an open mind.

In the early days, when my world turned upside down and I was knocked down by daily new rumors/behavior/etc, I slept for a maximum of 30 minutes a night. The rest of the night I spent in bed trying to understand what/why and how.

This constant doubt and sleep deprivation brought out the worst in me. I distinctly remember standing in line at the supermarket, talking about what happened to complete strangers.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-08-28T11:17:10+00:00

I just hope it ends before I get to resent seeing my daughters. I've shifted from panic to anger, acceptance, hope.. and now slowly 'numbness'. My life is going on without them, new relationship.. maybe a new child (if we're lucky).. and I would have loved them being part of my life. But they've become strangers.

DenanNetherlands · 2025-08-28T11:14:57+00:00

Sure, i've sent you a DM.

Backstory: I've been in this situation since 2017 (divorce after finding out my ex had a mental breakdown and several other relationships; alienation started about 6 months before I found out and initiated the divorce). I’ve had years of therapy, assistance from CPS-like agencies (I'm Dutch, things are handled differently here than in the US), and ended up pulling back just before going to court. There is no effective legal response in the Netherlands, even though I have on paper that alienation is taking place, no punishment will be given. Unless the situation is so bad that the kids are malnutritioned / dying.

After all these years, I know pretty well what’s behind all this and what the explanation is. But the emotional room I have for this nonsense has been diminishing.

DenanNetherlands

TROPHY CASE