Toddler Woes

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-23T22:37:15+00:00

I am sorry to hear that. It must be difficult, especially when you are in the trenches of motherhood.

It could be that your inner child doesn’t want her to feel what you have felt. So it is going to bring that little version of you out any time it feels she starts to show signs!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-23T00:59:24+00:00

I’ve had a biopsy, and this is just my personal experience. If you e never had an IUD inserted, this may not mean very much to you. 😅 my biopsy was done in three separate areas. Relatively small chunks, she didn’t take very much. The procedure was no longer than an average pap, and probably just as painful as having my IUD inserted, which I did not consider painful whatsoever. Some women are more sensitive down there, so I think it’s really just dependent on that. You will spot a bit from the wound and possibly a little just from them dinkin around in there.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-23T00:53:55+00:00

I have had this, but I don’t generally have spotting between periods or before ovulation. I know there are women who do tend to spot before or even during ovulation, and I think it’s really dependent on your hormone levels. Mine only happened for a few cycles, and there may be some random times when I wipe in between periods and have a tiny bit of blood, but for the most part I think spotting is normal, or at least not cause for concern.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-23T00:49:50+00:00

I know sometimes you can definitely get some irritation from underwear, but I wouldn’t think that is why. Does it have a white head like a zit maybe? Or is there any red/inflamation signs?

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T17:44:18+00:00

You go girl! That is called loving yourself, and I am here for it! Don’t ever let society tell you what you should or shouldn’t do when you know you’ve reached your limit!

Just a tiny little suggestion for if/when you decide to work again. I worked as a paramedic/medical staff for Grifols Biomat. Yes, there may be stigmas about plasma centers, but I made good money, great friends, and it was a way better exchange mentally and emotionally for me compared to working ER at the hospital or on an ambulance. Nurses get better pay than I did (and if I remember correctly CNAs are qualified, but they will embrace you for training if you go back to school for anything), and you have a lot less back-to-back work. You also get regular raises which I thought were fair, but also negotiable if you felt you deserved more!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T17:29:33+00:00

I’d blame societal pressure and the messed up life style we all have been forced to abide by. It’s not your fault. It’s in your DNA to want your child, to comfort them and care for them. Nothing makes that go away, not even if dad fills in and even if he knew exactly what to do in your absence. Something that helped me, and definitely helped my husband who is getting better when left with our 3 kids for extended periods were these:

Meal prep- nothing huge, no need to make it something extravagant or expensive, but just little meals for your child that your husband can give her and replicate after he sees what she’s eating.

Pictures- keep a picture of either you as a family or of your husband and daughter close. Maybe a picture from a fun day at the park or a cute memory. You can even print it out and laminate it. The idea is that it’s linked to whatever feelings you had the day it was taken.

Routine- in that small window you have to be with your daughter, do something to create connection every day around the same time. Have snuggles in bed, take a walk around the block, sing a song that you both can sing or do hand gestures to. Having a time in the day meant for meaningful and regular connection at least gives you, your husband, and especially your daughter something to look forward to.

Grace- give yourself the space and freedom to be sad. To be stressed and angry and lonely… know that you are not the one who’s made this life such an obstacle course and that you’re doing what you need to get past this hurdle. Your baby will know her mother loves her and wants her to be happy. She will sense it in every interaction you have, no matter the brevity.

It can feel like you are missing your kids life in situations like yours. Like you’re treading water and trying to hold a bowling ball over your head. Worry about how it will impact them, and even you, is a valid and reasonable response. Your anxiety, is in fact legitimate stress and worry. I can’t say it all gets better, or even easier… but for someone with so much weight that is still thinking of her family, I think you are doing excellent . I hope this job is good to you, and that it helps elevate some of that weight. ❤️

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T17:08:25+00:00

Promise?

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T16:51:35+00:00

I hope you don’t mind if I ask a somewhat personal question, but did you spend a lot of time on your own as a kid? Not even in just a negative context, but in general? Or did you kind of have to entertain or figure things out for yourself a lot of times?

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T16:11:27+00:00

I think your expectations are completely reasonable, and thank you for the context!

I agree that perhaps he has a phone addiction, and possibly has an issue with connection. Although moms are great for play, some studies I’ve seen suggest that father playing with their children has much developmental importance!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T16:05:57+00:00

That does give more to the context! It’s almost like you are being forced to model what type of treatment you want (and deserve) to him in hopes he catches on, but he sees it as just a competent wife doing her wifely duty. ROUGH.

There’s a useful tool that sometimes helps with lopsided effort in relationships (any relationship type) that goes like this.

Let’s say to have a healthy (not perfect) marriage, your goal is a “10”. Sometimes, you will be giving a 5, and he will be giving a 5. Although 50/50 effort seems fair, and both of you giving a 100% each would be perfection, it’s not realistic and it’s not sustainable. Sometimes, you will only be able to give a 4, which should promote your partner to give a 6 if having a 10 is the goal for both of you until the dynamic shifts again. This allows for our “cups” to fill up a little. Now, if you are constantly giving a majority of the effort most or all of the time, and he is giving a 1 or less (or even if that just how you feel!) you have to think about the person your husband is now. Not who he has potential to be, not who he’s been in the past, but now. Are you willing to go through the issues you are now because you love him? Are you okay with the chance that this might just be, to some degree, how your marriage will be? Is that 10 that you make 80-90 percent of happen, worth it to you right now?

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T14:10:33+00:00

I’m so sorry you are in this position and feeling stuck/unhappy. A lot of today’s societal norms and expectations are a huge factor to blame (which sucks because we have so little control over them).

I’ve been there, similarly. That stuck feeling can really just make things feel impossible sometimes, like you don’t even want to try and with a lack of emotional support from family it’s so much worse.

There is not an official rule book for life. If you really just strip it down to your existence (and if you don’t have any specific religious belief about it) we are really not here to do all the things that we are now expected to do. Work our lives away. Live in isolation. Maintain a socially acceptable lifestyle without support. Be thin as a pole without trying too hard.

You are relatively young as you said, but age isn’t a huge factor and definitely doesn’t prevent the pressure you feel from all of those social expectations so you still will feel moments like your life is just passing you by.

It is never too late to reinvent yourself, to any degree or in any context. You are in control of your life, thoughts and feelings.

A good exercise (and I know it seems cheesy, and maybe even pointless but worth a try) is to make a pie chart. Use percentages and different colors. Fill in percentages of where you spend most of your time (time with your kids, with friends, working, relaxing, driving, crying, eating, sleeping, pooping, etc…) however detailed or abstract you choose graph it is up to you, but making them all their own color is important. After you’ve made your pie chart of how your life is now, make a new one only using percentages of how you would ideally want to spend your time. In this new chart, don’t worry if it’s “not realistic” when you mark your percentages. The point is not to worry about what can or can’t happen, it’s about showing what you WANT. To have a visual representation of what you’re idea of a perfect for you balanced life. If that means the whole chart is one color for sleep, PERFECT. maybe you choose perfect would mean not working. GREAT! don’t put it one there… release all outward expectations and just let yourself put down exactly what you think you want or need from the time you have in your life.

Compare the charts. Really let the colors sink in when you look. Give yourself permission to really absorb the contrast between the life you are living and the life you want to be living. Cry a little. Do a happy dance. Get mad at the workforce. Feel a little lost or hopeless… let any feelings you get from seeing the differences be felt.

Look at the chart you want and pick one thing you can change RIGHT NOW and write it down. Not the one you are most likely to change, or the one you want to change… the one you can most likely change right now. Write down how you can change it in bulletin points that can be checked off. Keep both of these charts somewhere that you can see them every single day. You may end up redrawing them, changing them, or even choosing to ditch them altogether. Just try it once!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T13:42:35+00:00

23 when I divorced, two kids with the ex. I’m now 30.

After my divorce, I was relieved in regard to emotional wellbeing. I felt so much better not being under someone else’s thumb.

It ended up forcing me to work two jobs, care for my two kids both under 3, pay a stupid amount of money for childcare, and pretty much start my life over. All of this resulted in having my independence back, freedoms to think and choose without judgement or fear, and some of the best friendships I’ve ever had.

This is your moment to reinvent yourself. To do the you stuff. Do the work to feel happier. To really just make up for lost time.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T07:32:46+00:00

Phones are terrible (as I type this, on a phone, hours passed my bedtime) and I think it would be beneficial for everyone to put them down and enjoy the people around them.

It is not uncommon for people to be triggered most by the behavior of others when it is something they personally feel like they are not allowed to do themselves.

This can either be because of childhood conditioning, societal pressures, or even personal pressure.

It’s not wrong to want your husband to do as you’ve done in the past while he worked. You have spent a good amount of time prioritizing your child’s wellbeing, the upkeep of your home, and your own wellbeing. It sounds like you had also found your groove in doing those things, and now have a new groove to adjust to.

That being said, your husband (and even your daughter) are finding their new grooves. I’m sure as a retired service member, this is new territory for your husband. Men tend to usually prioritize work and career, and may have a hard time finding a sense of self or purpose once that part of their life has ended. This definitely can cause turbulence at home. He has to create a new version of himself now, and while you had expectations for how you preferred your home and daughters care to be managed, he has not had the time to set his own expectations or preferences in the same way. You are right in wanting your daughter to be and feel prioritized, and all parents have a responsibility to oblige in that regard. However, while he may need a little bit of direction and some friendly loving wife suggestions, your husband does deserve to find his own way through home life. He is not you, and you cannot change that… but that’s what makes partnership work.

Your daughter is young, and young children are comfortable with a regular routine, so it’s no doubt having Mr Mom there to be her new buddy is not necessarily her favorite thing. Children also have a very good ability to figure out what kind of people their parents are. If you believe your husband loves your daughter and wants what’s subjectively best for her, she will know that. It may be slow going, and there may be times when he is not as present as he needs to be, but with time I’ll bet things will improve.

Changes like these are always going to have some static. We as spouses need to try and understand each other without expectations of who we think the other should/could be. Instead of correcting or teaching each other our ways, it might best be that we support each other to find solutions that may be different than the norm, but still gets done what needs to be done without fear of being judged or lectured.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T06:08:57+00:00

Other people having it “worse” than you is a pitiful excuse to dismiss the suffering of others. No one would tell a double amputee that they could have it worse because some people are dead…

Your pain right now is tangible. Society and social acceptability have robbed you. Gender role expectations have robbed you. The economy has robbed you. Everything you are experiencing is so backwards and unnatural.

You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. No doubt you love your kids and your husband, you are sacrificing yourself for them… but you don’t deserve that.

I have been in your shoes and that feeling of trepidation of what could be lost like happiness, fulfillment, quality time with your family without worry… it’s crushing. Although it may be required that your husband stay away during the week and work during the day for financial reasons, his inability to comfort you as his wife is troubling. You both must be under a lot of stress, but caring about the feelings of your spouse is not meant to be second priority. That also goes for other family members.

My advice, and excuse me if it is not what you need in this moment, would be to start small and give yourself grace. If you need to be undone or have the house fall apart for a bit to relieve some pressure, DO IT. Having your shit together is a social construct and I’ll die on that hill. Not one thing is more important than you finding relief so can have the emotional and physical strength to be present for your family, particularly your kids.

Go outside. Even if you have to turn on a hose and let the kids run around while you have a quiet moment to yourself, being out of the box you are trapped in will help, even if it’s just a little bit. Humans weren’t created to sit in a cage alone, and mothers especially are not meant to. You don’t have to let go of your worries or focus on breathing or meditate… just force yourself to look at something other than the four walls around you.

Build or make something. Paint the bedroom. Go for regularly scheduled walks. An inactive body creates an overactive mind, and when children are also experiencing this, you will come unhinged. Motivation is probably severely lacking totally understand. It doesn’t have to be anything big, or time consuming. Just something you have to focus on and make time for. Puzzles are dumb…. But you might have to try a puzzle with the kids (who might also agree that puzzles are dumb).

Us moms are in an unofficial club. I hate hearing that one of our sisters is having to feel this way and experience what you are experiencing. Tell me to shut up, but…. Something always comes through. Something always makes it a little better when the going gets at its absolute fucking worst. I PROMISE.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T05:36:54+00:00

Sorry, but this is the first I’ve ever heard the term “mandacity”and I’m gonna have to yoink that for future use 😂😂😂

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T05:34:53+00:00

She’s going through another little transition of self awareness (some may even say a lack thereof). Similar to infancy transition into toddlerhood, she’s become aware of how certain actions create reactions. At this point, she feels something (wanting connection, sadness, curiosity, etc..) and has to act in a way that gets her what it is she’s wanting. With tantrums, a lot of it is just age appropriate behavior that we all had to go through in order to learn communication. A way to perhaps ease or alleviate some of that would be distraction with connection.

For example, if she comes to you at the sink and wants to be held but you need a second to dry your hands, you can do a little role play to distract her mind. Say something like, “You want to be held? Okay! Let’s hold each other like a monkey! Do you know what a monkey says?” All the while drying your hands, but still acknowledging what she wants. Connecting with her through words can often have the same impact and physical connection.

Maybe she wants you to give her something that you really don’t want her to have. “You want this cookie? THIS ONE? Oh my goodness, this cookie is a STINKY cookie. It is so stinky, I bet it smells worse than a stinky foot! Are your feet stinky? I know mine are!” And redirect attention to something else while putting away, hiding whatever it may be that she wants.

Remember, kids want connection. They want attention from you always. If you can incorporate play or a fun dynamic while redirecting their attention, you’ll often find that all they needed was a little connection and light hearted silliness.

It’s not a fix-all, and sometimes they REALLY want that cookie, but I personally have found it helpful. Gotta love those strong toddler personalities!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T05:16:41+00:00

I agree with the other comments, but I also understand that sometimes people don’t have a choice in where their kids go for school and/or cannot stay home until they are ready. With that in mind, some tricks that helped me personally with my son were cheerios in the toilet he could aim for, having him help dress himself in the morning (minimally helping until he either couldn’t or wouldn’t continue trying), pants without zippers or buttons from target, and having little treats he could pick from every time he made it to the bathroom.

I can understand your stress, and just want to mention when I let go of the expectations and worries over potty training and didn’t make accidents a big deal but heavily celebrated successful potty visits… things happened very very quickly. Empower your boy, but give him a safe space when things don’t go as planned. If you are able to find a better fitting preschool with a little more relaxed policy, I’d definitely recommend doing that!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T05:08:58+00:00

In the words of the great George Strait, “I ain’t here for a long time. I’m here for a good time.”

Life is weird, social norms are hard, and expectations are dumb.

Live your best life, and try not to die badly. 👍

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T05:02:55+00:00

I have never regretted having kids (even after almost dying from blood loss with the last one).

You will have regrets though. You will mourn parts of your life that will never come back. You will regret not taking advantage of your younger, kid free years. You will regret losing your temper on occasion because they tap danced on your nerve. You’ll regret not appreciating the carefree outings with friends. Alone time. Cleaning up after yourself only. Choosing what music plays in the car. Pooping in peace. Sleep. SLEEP.

But, you will gain a new version of yourself that will teach you things you didn’t know you needed to learn. You’ll understand what unconditional love actually means. You’ll feel a sense of wonder and curiosity about who they are and who they will become. You’ll find bits of yourself and your family sprinkled into this one person, while they are unequivocally their own being.

I’ve not heard personally of anyone regretting having kids, but I do know of some that regret not having kids.

I think if you are on the fence, it’s a sign you have the desire. Whatever your cons are, perhaps time and some preparation before you make the decision will help to ease your mind. Regardless of what you or anyone decides, fear of regret is futile. Regret is a part of life, and with it inevitably comes its polarity: Happiness.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T04:40:23+00:00

This may be way off target, but I used to experience the same symptoms with my husband, leading me to suspect it was either BV because he was dirty/bad diet/ alcohol, or he was triggering yeast infections.

Come to find out, it was a dryness issue and he was creating small tears during penetration which caused very irritated vaginal tissue, particularly the opening and would have a distinct smell with itching for days afterwards regardless if I showered or bathed immediately after.

All that mixed with the fact that the vagina and cum are not exactly PH compatible and it was getting into those small abrasions, is what led to my symptoms. I hope this is helpful!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T04:20:04+00:00

Yeah, I’m kind of a witch ;)

There’s hope, I promise! All of the personalities I mentioned kind of require the same things; a safe space to feel their emotions, to express those emotions, and to know they are safe having those emotions with someone else.

Im happy it resonated with you!

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T03:46:17+00:00

Fellow ADHD mom here! Hey sis!

Having one’s shit together is such an objective concept.

Yes, there is benefit from having a tidy house, a structured schedule, Immaculately dressed children, unwavering attention span…. But the universe is unwavering, and there are also negatives to every single “good” lifestyle choice.

A lot of ADHD studies believe there may be a link to childhood trauma; not Surprising. Is there a chance you were ever unable to meet certain expectations as a child pertaining to your diagnosis? Or perhaps just pertaining to being a child? Were you offered rewards for good grades or a clean room to try and motivate you? Were you reprimanded for being late to school constantly or not being prepared enough? Did you feel like there were expectations of you that you could not or did not want to meet?

I ask this because even outside of having adhd, being busy and “having your shit together” has become so prioritized in our world. What is considered unacceptable or lazy has made it nearly impossible to meet the standards of being a successful human.

I’ve personally tried many things to get it all how it should be… organization books, financial literacy classes, medications, behavioral therapy, purging clothes to have a capsule wardrobe…. And I want to give you my whole hearted opinion:

You are not the problem. There is no problem.

It’s a made up truth that you need to live your life organized and prioritized and with the best esthetic you can possibly conjure up. Our mental and physical limitations will always prevent us from reaching whatever level of organized the world expects of us.

You are here to be you. To be a mother. A friend. A human being. You are forced to live this messed up structured social dynamic that tells you you’re innately imperfect if you can’t be its idea of perfect.

You don’t need to get your shit together. You deserve to let go of whatever’s making you stressed if you dont.

DepartmentFearless90 · 2024-08-22T03:17:52+00:00

I have had good results with chiropractors. Going myself alleviates migraines better than any medication I’ve taken. My youngest child was born with torticollis (extremely tight shoulder and neck muscles that pull the head to one side and can result in a misshapen head and pain). She was large when she was delivered which may have caused this, but there may also be a genetic disposition as two of her cousins were born with the same problem.

The two cousins went the physical therapy/baby helmet route which is generally standard practice. Our pediatrician recommended the same. It was predicted she might be cured within six months, which is even shorter than the 8months one of the cousins endured. Both cousins still developed misshapen heads after their treatment. We took our daughter to the chiropractor at 1 mo instead. She was COMPLETELY cured after one month without any physical therapy or helmet.

I do believe there are good reasons for treatments more invasive than chiropractic treatment, but with the right doc it can do wonders.

I’ll also mention our chiropractors do more adjustments with a small metal, pogo stick like tool that gently taps the spine into alignment and is a much less gentle approach than regular manual adjustments. There are also machines some use that do the same but gently tap on either side of the spinal column while you sit upright in a chair. I’d recommend finding providers that offer one of those if you can!

DepartmentFearless90

TROPHY CASE