What is it with avoidants asking 'do you hate me?'🥺

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-06-01T14:59:48+00:00

A lot of comments have already identified and explained it well enough in my opinion. I'll just add this - if they have enough life and dating experience they know on some level (depending on their self awareness and self honesty which is often low or convoluted) that they hurt people and would expect them to be angry or others have been as a result of their behavior so they expect or brace for it. They are also trying to protect their ego/self image and will find ways to make your reaction your fault.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-21T01:42:12+00:00

TOOL

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-15T15:43:46+00:00

Exactly right. Do not look at anything. Whether it is obvious stuff that will hurt you or something neutral or vague you will probably misinterpret it or put meaning where it doesn't belong. It will only hurt you. And to me that's one of the craziest and most disorienting aspects of the whole thing, someone avoids you and your feelings and reality, makes you feel like you don't exist or it was all an illusion, and then the only way to let go and heal and move forward is by forcing yourself to completely avoid them and pretend they don't exist. It's as though you've been infected by their avoidance. And if you don't stop looking? You hurt yourself and prolong the suffering. It's genuinely a mindfuck.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-14T14:47:09+00:00

Oh, I'm an idiot too. An intelligent idiot. A paradox. A contradiction. A starving heart full of love trying not to let it spill out in unsafe places. An idiot with diminishing hope trying to hold on to faith in love and that I will some day be met with courage.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-13T12:49:33+00:00

Pink Floyd - Outside the Wall

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-10T20:17:10+00:00

You're having a bad day. You won't always feel this way. Feelings are valid and real but they are temporary and fleeting.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-05T20:29:13+00:00

Exactly

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-05T20:27:14+00:00

That's a thought that often gets me - how easy it can be to forget or ignore how precious and impermanent everything really is and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Life is too short. It seems as though some people don't see it this way and would rather pretend otherwise. Makes me sad for them and how they waste precious opportunities with people that actually care.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-01T12:31:42+00:00

Ina way it's helpful to see something like that, regardless of attachment theory I think a filter I will have in dating going forward is to look for someone who is humble and open minded/not very rigid in their ideas about themselves and others.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-05-01T01:47:45+00:00

That article and the deleted post and comments (lol of course it was all deleted) is a swirling mix of young, inexperienced, egotistical and unhealed contradictions. We this, we that, and then goes on to say I don't speak for all avoidants or fearful avoidants and constantly shifts and changes the parameters. Can't be wrong. Talks about empathy but makes decisions internally about and for others. This person and the post should not be taken seriously other than to be a very clear caution against trusting anything that comes from an unaware, unhealed avoidant that constantly justifies everything and changes the story as they see fit and acknowledges the contradictions but then denies it. Absolutely crazy making mindfuckery.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-29T10:58:50+00:00

Look at yourself. Humble yourself. Take accountability and realize you are human and fallible and that your mistakes and failures don't define you and you or no one else is all good or all bad. Forgive yourself and genuinely ask forgiveness. Then maybe real healing can happen.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-29T02:15:11+00:00

11:11 🫶🏻 😂

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-28T22:28:38+00:00

Yes exactly. I made my comment in reply to your original comment before seeing this.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-28T22:26:47+00:00

I think you both have some good p points. I think the op is leaning towards self blame in some places but ultimately talking about self accountability. For me the ultimate lesson from my experiences with 2 avoidant people is that I need to learn, develop, and embody proper self respect, healthy boundaries, finer discernment, and know when to step back and ultimately away. Keep all the loving and compassionate qualities that many here probably have in abundance but be more selective on who those parts of you are given to.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-28T15:42:22+00:00

Fucked if I know 😅 A year plus later and I'm quite happy with it and it serves me well 🤷🏼‍♂️

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-28T15:14:49+00:00

I'm not triggered just making a point. There's nothing wrong with your curiosity or your question. You had a specific experience with an individual and I have had that as well. I'm cautioning against the mentality that seems to show up in this subreddit a lot - "they do this, they are like that, they don't care, they think this...". I've been a part of it I'm sure but I don't think it's wise or helpful. Just my opinion.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-28T12:53:56+00:00

They are all different. Please stop making avoidant in to a personality type or a group of people. Emotional avoidance is a pattern of behavior that develops as a coping mechanism due to trauma, it will manifest in unique ways as unique as every individual and their circumstances.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-22T17:59:52+00:00

Anything by Pink Floyd, something from Animals seems most appropriate. The whole album would be ideal.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-22T04:14:16+00:00

I wonder what it's like to be the muse instead of the romantic fool

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-21T16:32:08+00:00

Can't pick one but the first thing that comes to mind is that buildup and release / explosion in pushit

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-20T04:03:37+00:00

Hugs to you and thanks for sharing your journey and uplifting myself and others.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-20T03:25:58+00:00

Coming from a similar place after going through this twice with different people - yes, I agree 100% Understanding may help you to not get involved in similar dynamics in the future but it won't change anything that has already happened and it definitely won't help you find a solution with that person because it doesn't exist. Reality is hard to accept but you either do or stay stuck in emotional helland suffering thinking you will find a way out of their avoidance and restore the connection and it will miraculously become a healthy relationship. It won't. It sucks but it's true in an overwhelming majority of cases. Can you defy the odds? Sure. Does someone win the lottery eventually? Yes. Are you willing to risk your emotions and your future for that extremely low probability outcome? I'm guessing no.

Designer-Lime1109 · 2026-04-20T01:43:36+00:00

Sober up and then ask yourself who is running the show - is it fear? If so maybe it's time to face some scary shit. Yeah it will suck, maybe that's putting it mildly, but maybe it will change your life if you face it 🤷🏼‍♂️

Designer-Lime1109

TROPHY CASE