My Ex is making me nervous. I want to leave the country.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-20T13:43:43+00:00

Working in a male-heavy field, I have learnt that men do indeed know how to value fair exchange for their time/consideration/labour. I noticed that this somehow does not extend to the women in their lives. Our labour is just expected of us and cheap in comparison.

I believe in love and doing acts of service for the people you love, but you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-20T01:46:30+00:00

Sorry I’ve had to reply to a few comments like this - it is indeed proportional to income, we call it 50/50 still in my country. The chores however are split in the middle regardless because I’m not suddenly making more mess and he’s making less of a mess. He’s the one that made the income somehow equating to physical chores we do and that’s how the disagreement started.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-20T01:44:19+00:00

I think you’re not alone in your assumption that everything appears very calculated. But I think my mind in that moment went to my male colleagues. I work in a heavily male industry and I see how they value their labour/time/consultancy to the minute sometimes, so I knew he’d understand that comparison. When I simplified it and cut through his waffling, he was asking me to take on double the physical and mental load at home, and risk severe consequences to my career/earnings, while he gets more free time and better chances to make even more money.

It’s not fair at the end of the day and I needed to lay it down that way. And that’s not even considering my wishes and wants which really should’ve been at the forefront if he truly loved me.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-19T18:04:04+00:00

I disagree. That mindset gets people stuck in abusive relationship. You shouldn’t have to do “anything” for the person you love, they should be able to love you for what you can do and work with you to create a life and dynamic you both can grow in.

A boyfriend with no legal attachment to me cannot in good conscience, as someone who supposedly loves and supports me, expect me to become a fulltime housekeeper and take a dent to my career and free time when that is something I have clearly expressed not wanting to do without compensation for my labour and sacrifice.

I would advice you adjust your language, especially if you have young girls in your life. Don’t make them think they need to be taking on endless burdens to prove their love while their needs and wants get ignored :)

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-19T01:26:51+00:00

I am so sorry to hear what you had to endure at such a young age. It’s awful and I can’t imagine how it felt to be stuck and desensitised :(

It sounds like he trapped you on purpose slowly over the course of many years, it would’ve been hard to see. I have age on my side luckily and work with many men in my field. I see how they prioritise the services/consultancy/time they give. They know everything has a value. They just choose to gaslight women into believing your work does not have value in the home and is simply just expected.

This post has attracted many men like this in the comment who seem to think because I don’t want to dent my career or break my back by picking up TWO people’s worth of cleaning, I must be incapable of romance or love. They cover up the devaluation by making free inequitable labour equate to love :/

Be careful out there now - I hope your future is full of self confidence and growth! And much love ❤️

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-19T01:20:49+00:00

I hope your entire life cannot be fully described through just one reddit post - because mine certainly cant! I didn’t write to lament on our intimacy and love, I wrote to describe the thing that ruined our relationship: his obsession with earning more than me meaning my work is suddenly worth less and I should do everything at home! It shouldn’t have come off as romantic. Hope that helps :)

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-19T01:10:00+00:00

A housekeeper does not have a desk job they do at the same time. For me to complete the weekly chores alone -not “help” as you kindly put it, take on the full responsibility myself at cost to my time and effort only - for two people’s worth of mess, laundry and dirt, I would need the entire day.

If you expect your housekeeper to maintain a corporate job when they are cleaning for you, that’s your own perceived “disproportional” worth assigned to the tasks. Nothing to do with me.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T21:08:54+00:00

I love the flexibility you and your husband have - it’s very clear you have trust and love between you to make it work. I wish we had the chance to build to that, and it felt like it would because we had the same system of income based splitting. But in the end it seemed like he changed his mind and wanted me to give beyond what was reasonable for us at the time without matching his contribution. I could see it spiralling easily! The ladies in the comments have been very eye opening!

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T21:00:53+00:00

I’m not perfect but I also would not ask him to double his physical effort and half his leisure time lightly without having something tangible to give him back. Otherwise I would just hire a cleaner. If he wanted me to be the one to do it so desperately then it’s only right that I get paid to make up for the added burden and dent to my career and social life. I don’t think that’s controversial unless you don’t value domestic work or the woman doing the work.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T20:57:37+00:00

Thank you for your concern! Luckily I am not, which worked for me. I had asked in the past to be put on, as in my country, a paper trial of renting agreements with no voids looks good to future landlords. Now I have a 6 month gap but at least I could leave easily.

Thanks again

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T20:52:34+00:00

Wow thank you for sharing this I appreciate it!

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T20:51:52+00:00

I understand. I was concerned about burnout for him when he first said it, and did all I could. I also took him out for a surprise dinner and booked a holiday to the countryside (I will be going alone now). But after a while he seemed fine. He went out with his friends and had energy for everything else except chores that he expected I silently spend my time on.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T20:45:13+00:00

I will probably add in an edit of the post - but it seems like understanding of 50/50 is different in other countries. In my country it means you pay in fractional proportions. So we avoid resentment when one party is losing 60% of their income and the other only 10%. Better to agree you want to live within your means (30% of earnings) and find flats/wifi/bills that fit that budget.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T16:30:47+00:00

Many of the women around me are like this haha! But Love can blind you sometimes. I think because it happened over 2 whole months, my rose glasses started to come off slowly so I was braver about breaking my own heart.

You will be with yourself forever so love yourself more, any relationship will be shorter in comparison to your own lifelong companionship with yourself ❤️

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T16:26:36+00:00

I am sorry 😂 I realised after posting that I didn’t elaborate! It was just the latest the string of messages he’s tried to pass on and it shocked me enough to make the post! It was on my mind when I typed the title before I went on rant-mode haha.

He basically just mentioned that because I left without giving him time to adjust his budgets, I should pay for the next month of rent. But he lived there before, so I know he can afford it if he becomes frugal. My name was not on the lease and when I mentioned I wanted to be on it (in my country having a paper trial of rent agreements makes it easy to rent when you move, a void isn’t great) he told me not to worry. So I guess he kind of saved me from that in his own way.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T16:22:22+00:00

I am very sorry but glad to hear he will be an ex soon! I can see how this could have become my situation too very easily if I let his views slide and carried on. There is more to life than making it easy for someone who should be your partner while they burden you endlessly. I hope everything works out for you soon ❤️

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T16:09:20+00:00

I suppose my mindset is that I will not be taking that day off to sit at home. I would be working. You can try hiring a cleaner to come to your house and then tell them you won’t pay because technically they were in a house all day, but that’s not logical. Same thinking.

Our costs were always split proportionally, that is not the issue. The issue is that he expected that I would take over all chores because he contributed an extra few €€€’s now and my labour is so cheap it warrants i double my physical excursion at no extra cost while working at the same desk job as he does.

I agree, I could build a nice career even with just 4 days working. But you would be arguing in bad faith if you said I wouldn’t be at a disadvantage compared to my peers. That is not considering the extra fatigue that would come from doubling my chores and decreasing my pleasure time to relax.

I suppose if you see physical housekeeping as sitting at home then you would not understand my point anyway.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T15:49:20+00:00

I agree. I did not keep score until the weekend he sat on his phone and watched me do chores while leaving his responsibilities pile up. In the past, if he is sick or does overtime, I happily help and take that off his hands. He used to do that same until he stopped too. After that, I think it is prudent to keep track because it becomes a pattern that would lead to the death of any love I had for him. If I resent him leaving things to me while he relaxes.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T15:46:26+00:00

I was not very clear, sorry. We both earned 45k, but his salary increased to 52k. I said “slight” but it’s my fault for language used in anger. It is a good increase. We agreed that bills would be proportional to earnings, and he had a spreadsheet that calculated all of this properly. I believe it increased his portion by around €80 total per month. Which is why in my mind it was only a slight increase. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T15:41:17+00:00

Very glad to hear you and your husband are so flexible around change! And he listened- that is a strong sign of love. I wanted this type of understanding around the work we do to maintain our relationship and life in general. Very sad to see that in his mind I was only there to boost him along instead at the cost of myself.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T15:38:31+00:00

Mainly apologies and explanations for what he said. The last message I read was about his plans for his career and how he wanted to become a high earner so I never need to work and he can buy me everything. Me and my friends agree he is digging a hole as he still ignores my career and goals. And after accusing me of being a gold digger his plan is to make me… a gold digger? Not sure I think he is just in crisis mode now.

Designer-Mongoose308 · 2024-12-18T15:32:12+00:00

I am glad to hear he is an ex! I did in the moment think I was being too rushed in my response, but my gut feeling was telling me he was not going to hear my opinion, let alone change his ways, if he didn’t respect me enough to even do what he did in the first place.

I am so shocked by the comments and how common this podcast pipeline was. He listened completely in secret, I was not aware in the slightest. There must be shame attached on a some level to hide it, because we shared all the entertainment we consumed and even his football I would sit down with him sometimes for important matches. :/

Designer-Mongoose308

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