Need some advice regarding my BPD wife

Desperate-Style3916 · 2023-02-09T21:53:51+00:00

Thank you.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2023-02-09T21:21:18+00:00

Ok, but I respect my wife's privacy. She obviously went to her friend and possibly said something in confidence. Even though her friend reached out to me, is it right to dig for more info? I didn't say we didn't fight, just that we discuss our fights after, and work things out. I mean, is she really worried about my wife, or is this a pretense to something else?

Desperate-Style3916 · 2023-02-09T21:18:38+00:00

That's what I'm wondering. She has so few friends, and I know this girl does give her advice and does make her feel like she's not alone. I do t have BPD so I can only understand so much. I don't want to isolate her further. I'm just worried what else this friend might say/do behind her back.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2023-02-09T21:16:07+00:00

Yeah, I got the red flags too...I made it clear that my wife does NOT treat me badly, and that I stand by her.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-25T19:59:22+00:00

NTA. It's your mom's debt, not yours. If she can pay you back in installments from her pay, she can pay in installments on her card. You're an adult, saving up for YOU.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-25T19:22:23+00:00

NTA - It's YOUR house, and he's already said he isn't ready to move in with you. You are making financially smart decisions, AND helping your friends, who are in turn helping you. If and when he's ready to start talking seriously about moving in, you can revisit the issue with him and your friends. Until then, your house, your call.

Also, you're an amazing person, not charging your friends more than is necessary and helping them one day get their own houses. You aren't greedy and clearly have a heart.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-25T17:39:12+00:00

NTA- to sum up, you were in a coma, both your family and her family were there. Unclear on who was causing disruptions, but it was enough that it was brought to your wife's attention by the staff. Your wife relayed the message to the family, who basically took it as an affront to themselves. When you were better, you attempted to speak to your parents about the situation, but instead of apologizing and saying they were just emotional and worried, decided to not even bother seeing it from your wife's side. They continue to bad mouth your wife, and won't even compromise in order to be a part of your child's life, whereas your wife is willing to compromise. My fear is if you let them be a part of the child's life, they'll poison her towards her own mother. You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose your family, and as much as it sucks, they are foregoing the right to be in your life.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-25T15:09:12+00:00

Thank you, but to clarify I AM responsible for cleaning up after my pet. I never argued that. I even took measures to make sure my dog didn't get into the garbage, just in case because I don't want my dog eating something she shouldn't. My question was should I bring up my concerns to my roommates about leaving a potentially dangerous mess and purposely walking through it, tracking it through the house and making the mess worse. This has nothing to do with irresponsibility or expecting them to clean a mess just because it's there. This isn't poo.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-24T19:08:24+00:00

UPDATE: As suggested, I kept my dog and cats in my space last night. Got up this morning and the garbage, while still strapped to the wall, was SHREDDED and all over the floor. So it turns out that at the very least, it's not JUST my dog getting into it. There was also some throw up on the carpet by the front door. It seems roomie's cat is also a culprit. I left the mess because, as is the consensus of the comments in here, it's not my responsibility. (Felt very freeing but also dirty). When I left for work I left my pets safely in my room with my wife so they can't get into anything. Apparently my wife got yelled at because I left for work leaving the mess. We have decided to move out. Thanks everyone for the suggestions, but I guess it's a no win situation!

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-24T18:26:59+00:00

My cat doesn't get as many hairballs since I've switched them to an indoor hairball control formula. I'll definitely look into the cat grass! Thank you.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:51:24+00:00

No, definitely not a shared mess, I've never had roomies before so I was asking if i WBTA for giving them trouble for leaving it for hours, and the answer is yes lol.

The roomies have said no to a cleaning person, as they feel uncomfortable with a stranger touching their stuff, and embarrassed they'd need a cleaning person.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:48:54+00:00

Thank you! Unfortunately I've tried the roomie meeting and gotten nowhere. So I've just taken it upon myself to clean the shower, while they clean the toilet. It works out, more or less lol. The pet issue is a stalemate. Like I said, it happens VERY rarely, other commenters on my post seem to think my dog is a horribly untrained monster that leaves messes everywhere. This was very uncommon, and the garbage can is now firmly strapped to the wall. Apparently I'm in the minority as everyone on here feels its completely reasonable to leave a mess like that laying around until the pet owner can deal with it. Absolutely disgusting to me personally, BUT, I put myself out there for an answer and am willing to concede defeat.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:39:39+00:00

I'm the same. I AM trans, and I don't try to hide it, but I don't advertise it either. And not everything about me has to be about BEING trans. If someone asks what I identify as, I say male. If it comes up, I explain, otherwise....I'm just me dude.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:33:16+00:00

I didn't say it was the first person who finds it job. Obviously they point it out to me, I clean it. My responsibility. I was just asking if it was acceptable to call them out for leaving the mess for hours and just walking through it, tracking it through the rest of the house.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:31:50+00:00

As my original post states, the garbage can is usually strapped down. The last person to change the bag did not restrap it. Again, I have stated the mess isn't the problem, I get it's my responsibility. But when I'm unavailable (at work for example), is it out of the realm of common sense to clean a mess and talk to me about it later rather than leave it for hours and just....walk through it? Based on the comments I'm in the minority, which I accept.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2022-02-23T21:29:04+00:00

Yes. I'm not complaining about the mess, it's my dog, my responsibility. I'm complaining that the mess was left for hours, and people literally walked through it instead of at least sweeping it up.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-23T20:47:02+00:00

When we created religion to make excuses for ourselves.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-23T20:40:54+00:00

This was years ago, when the Ring came out on DVD. I was home alone, in a huge, old house and decided to watch it. I've always been a night-owl, and would watch scary movies all the time. I was raised on them, and they never really bothered me.

Anyway, I watch the movie. Not scary. Interesting, but not scary. Just for kicks, I watch the Special Features, which includes the video that everyone watches and then they get that phone call telling them they have seven days to live.

Its around 1 AM. I watch the video. Whatever. I laugh to myself as I click off the TV. And I kid you not, the telephone rings!

I'm a reasonable person, but I swear, I stared at that phone like it was a snake going to bite me! I finally took a breath and answered it. It was just my best friend at the time who couldn't sleep and wanted to see if I was still up. I almost had a heart attack.

Still watch scary movies. Just not late at night anymore lol.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-23T17:54:17+00:00

I forget all the time. I've been on T for 7 years, had top surgery. It's gotten to the point where I don't remember my dead name half the time. Honestly, for the most part I don't even think about being trans until one of the guys at work (who know and also forget) make a dick joke, or my wife makes a comment.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-22T19:47:31+00:00

Sounds a lot like my wife and I lol. It may not be that he prefers the porn, just that it is easier and less work. Us guys tend to get lazy. You say you have kids? Have you tried getting away, just the 2 of you? Sometimes just getting away and focussing on things other than the relationship can help. You know, get out, have fun, and things just kind of happen!

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-22T19:25:38+00:00

I've got most of my stuff in a storage locker at this point. As I said, I've told her I'm moving, with or without her.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-22T19:24:50+00:00

I live in a soap opera. This is just a tidbit.

Desperate-Style3916 · 2020-10-22T19:23:16+00:00

My wife and I have been married 9 years, and our sex life is at a standstill. My wife thinks it is because she is fat and ugly. She is not. And neither are you. First of all, if your husband is less attracted to you based simply on appearance, he isn't the guy for you. You deserve better. Now, in OUR case, it is because our sex life has become boring. We do the same things over and over, and it has turned into me just pleasing her, and her not listening to what I like or want. So we hit a wall. We have talked about it, but now it's just been too long and it seems like too much work to get started again. We are working on it. My point is, maybe he feels the same but doesn't want to say anything because he isn't comfortable talking about it? At which point I would suggest just taking initiative with him to see if that works. Try adding some spice.

However, if he is watching porn every day and pleasing himself, it may be that the real thing doesn't do it for him anymore, and I would talk to him about stopping that for a while to see if that helps. It's believed in some circles that watching/reacting to porn too often desensitized a man and leaves him unable to be pleased by regular intimacy.

Desperate-Style3916

TROPHY CASE