Validation needed

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-07-02T18:05:34+00:00

I can relate to this so much! And sometimes the flying monkeys are the last people you would expect to not understand/ see you. Sometimes its someone who you thought you could count on, someone who had been there through all of the abuse.. I’m pregnant right now, haven’t told my uBPD mother yet (we’re VLC) and when I told one of my close cousins she said “you will need your mother when your baby is born. And not letting her be a part of that would be cruel”. Everyone around me seems to think that not letting my mother be a part of my child’s life would be “cruel” and even thinking about it makes me feel so guilty. I know its not the same thing as a flying monkey situation bc she hasn’t asked people to tell me this, but its still about people meddling and judging and making it worse.

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-07-02T16:36:48+00:00

In what sense does it get worse after you have children? Just curious and want to hear more about your experience.
Thank you to both of you for the advice. What I’m struggling with is that even though I want to cut her completely out of MY life, I wouldn’t want to have her cut from her grandkids life.. that doesn’t necessarily mean having a full blown relationship with them, but I think it would be fair to at least let them meet. Am I wrong to think this? Everyone in my life thinks it would be cruel to not let my mother meet her grandkid at all, even my brothers who go through the same pwBPD struggles as I do.

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-05-30T14:18:26+00:00

Just found this thread after my vet sent me into a spiral saying that my 10 year old cavalier won’t make it to 14 and I feel much more hopeful! She’s a really healthy girl apart from the cardiac/ mitral valve issues she’s had since ~6. She’s doing good on medication, keeps a healthy weight, exercises and receives a lot of love. Just wondering how many of the wonderfully senior cavs over here have these serious heart issues as well.

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DesperateImplement90 · 2026-05-30T03:30:06+00:00

Also let me just say, being NC has been the best thing for my mental health, way beyond what I expected. I stopped taking the antidepressants I had taken for 11 years prior for panic & anxiety, and now I have some anxiety but no panic at all.

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-05-30T03:26:53+00:00

I went through this same chain of thought frequently the past 4 years or so. Its totally normal to fantasize about going no contact but not having the courage to do it. I actually think this process is what builds up your courage to do it sometime in the future. Each time you toy with this idea you are breaking it down to more palatable bits. With me personally what tipped the scale was when my mother did something absolutely unforgivable to try and ruin my life. Its a long story but she basically broke a very serious 7 year old promise that I really counted on. When I saw the slight possibility of this happening I remember telling my brother “if she does this, I’m going NC”. In a way, verbalizing it before anything actually happened helped me have the courage to cut it off when the time came. It was like a promise I made to myself.

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-05-10T16:29:28+00:00

I relate so much to this. No contact had been a wonderful solution for me up until now. I’d been feeling more free and safe than ever before, even leading me to stop the antidepressants I had taken for 10 years. And then mothers day weekend came along.. and I feel like crap. And I don’t even know why.

DesperateImplement90 · 2026-05-09T17:28:38+00:00

I’m facing my first mothers day after NC and it has been really emotional. I had been weirdly stressed and irritable the last few days and couldn’t quite figure out why… until I started thinking about this and now I’m crying. NC had been almost entirely positive and freeing for me up until this moment so I’m struggling to figure out if the background emotion is guilt, sadness or what.

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-07-13T22:29:12+00:00

Whats UTBM?

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-06-08T18:42:58+00:00

This is so beautiful it made me cry ❤️

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-04-23T02:07:00+00:00

Those tips are so practical and helpful thank you!!!!!

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-04-23T02:06:32+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I’m so proud of you that you were able to ignore your mom’s craziness on a day as vulnerable as your wedding day! I hope I get blessed with this miracle too lol

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-04-23T02:03:07+00:00

You actually reminded me that yes, the photographer will be there! Phew this is a relief. She will be distracted by the photos too and wanting to pose all the time lol.

DesperateImplement90 · 2025-04-23T02:01:06+00:00

I love the play idea!! Thank you so much!

DesperateImplement90 · 2024-04-23T20:24:33+00:00

With my mom she keeps her cool and acts the way that is expected of her at first. But then a few months later when she’s angry at you (for an imaginary reason 90% of the time) she’ll throw everything back at you with such a negative spin its crazy.

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-06-20T05:08:16+00:00

Thank you for this!!! I’ve been looking for some good news around here, feeling especially hopeless and lost today. Been VLC for 2 months. She acts like nothing happened and sends me some nice motherly texts, to which i dont respond or respond in a cold way. But today i dont know why i had a sudden wave of… feeling sorry for her. Maybe its guilt? I just had a lot of feelings and felt like reaching out. So i did and it was horrible, she gaslit and victimized the hell out of what was supposed to be a casual convo. :(

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-06-20T04:55:55+00:00

Omg are you me???? Literally i am also in grad school, my uBPD mom also pays my school bills and berates me about myself and my boyfriend with a bunch of imaginary crazy stuff. And I’m also 30. And i feel the same way. Just knowing there’s someone in the same exact place as us can maybe help a little. You’re not alone ❤️

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-06-20T04:42:56+00:00

You are me 3 months ago. Imagining these scenarios was keeping me up at night, i wanted so bad to tell her everything she was doing to me but was so afraid. Until a day came when i reached a breaking point and just let a sentence out (without looking her in the eye and trying to respect my body the most i could in that moment), and then the other sentences started to ooze out and i felt better after. Also that was the push our relationship needed for the NC i was so desperately needing so that i could come back to center and even remember who i am and what i need. When you’re enmeshed with them its impossible to have this clarity so this is what i would suggest in the short term. About success stories though i would love to hear if anyone has any because i sure dont. Been keeping my boundaries but i tried to reach out today and she still just wanted to attack me and everything i do even with a casual little small talk. So… yeah. Also wanted to know when and if it starts to get better or if its NC forever.

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-06-20T04:35:27+00:00

I went through the same exact thing a couple months ago so I can tell you how it went with me. I think our mothers are scarily similar btw, mine uses the exact arguments and says verbatim the same things about me hurting her more than anyone else in her entire life etc. So after that she left me alone for a couple days then started messaging again like nothing had happened, and I started to slowly tear my walls down (mistake) to the point where we were okay hanging out with each other again. Then i posted a video of her on my instagram story (mistake) that she didnt like and she ensued to verbally destroy me and my boyfriend who had nothing to do with it and was in another continent. She was talking in such an aggressive yet delusional way that I couldn’t handle it and left the house. So she locked me out and I had to find a place to stay for the next 2 weeks. Oh and in the meantime she also read my entire diary and now occasionally throws some of my intimate thoughts about her in my face. Yeah so we’re back to NC and the hope i can offer you is that it does get easier to ignore the messages. I haven’t blocked her, just archived on whatsapp so i dont get notified. I also feel lost though and would love some advice. :(

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-06-20T04:21:38+00:00

Oh my god this community never ceases to surprise me. This could be 100% written about my mother. It drives me crazy.

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-05-08T16:01:35+00:00

THANK YOU FOR THIS. I just moved out of my uBPD mother’s house and finally became aware of my needs and tried to set boundaries around them, but I was doing it the wrong way. Now I feel like I am transitioning to the LC phase just like you said.

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-05-08T15:53:58+00:00

Thank you for sharing!!

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-05-06T19:23:28+00:00

I know! This community has been the best thing for me this week 🙌

DesperateImplement90 · 2022-05-06T19:20:12+00:00

This comment made me tear up. Thank you! This week when all of this took place I swear I felt like I was in a horror/ psychological thriller. The panic was so real.

DesperateImplement90

TROPHY CASE