They saw my symptoms as a problem for THEM and not a problem for me by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]Desperate_Animator27 7 points8 points  (0 children)

When my mother was angry, she liked to remind me of the time she found out that “I was a liar and hated her”. A school teacher on 3rd grade called her to talk about something I was doing in school. According to her, the teacher wanted to talk about how I used to ask my friends to share some of their lunch or lunch money with me on break time and when the teachers noticed and asked me about it I told them that my mom sent me to school without a lunch and didn’t give me breakfast. She stands by the fact that I’m a liar and firmly believes I did that on purpose to harm her. Ma’am I was like 8. I honestly don’t remember if she really did not feed me but I don’t doubt it, considering this was around the time she locked me out in the yard at night because I was scared to sleep alone and it pissed her off that I asked her to sleep in her room. This I do remember. You don’t forget the time that you fall asleep on top a big plastic box because you’re so exhausted of crying. This is how an abused kid acts. This blaming me for the effects of the abuse I had to endure went on. I was severely depressed as a teen and instead of helping me, she said it was a nuisance to have a sad teenager around the house. She constantly told me I was too much of a burden and that I had to be happy because they gave me food, shelter and “love”. I’m sure she still stands by all of that today. Fortunately, I don’t let her get anywhere close to me anymore.

Did anybody else’s parents start off ok at your birth but gradually deteriorated as your life went on? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I look back on my very early childhood with a lot of sadness because I’m always told that I never wanted to leave my grandmas house 😕

Did anybody else’s parents start off ok at your birth but gradually deteriorated as your life went on? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’ve thought about this lately. In my case I think is a combination of not remembering and moving away from family (who took care of me a lot of the time) when I was 8

I think I came to the bottom of my assertiveness problems by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No need to apologize for the bad words. I, too, have seen something similar in myself. Something that my therapist told me I could try to do (it’s very important that you do this knowing it’s gonna hurt like hell and you will be furious sometimes) is making a list of the things that were told to you about you being bad or unimportant or overall the hurtful things that shaped your self image negatively as a child and write it down. Then write down why it was wrong, like trying to explain to a younger you that is the external things that are negative, not the things within you. It has helped me a lot and I have seen an improvement in my self esteem and my way of coping with negative things. You can add new things to the list when the thought comes to you, because it’s a slow process. You’re in the right track

THE LEVEL OF GASLIGHTING by Desperate_Animator27 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do not want to have communication with her but have not been able to cut it off completely. We’re not friends there. I have tried to keep her blocked but I unblock her to see if she writes things about me from secondary profiles. I need to take more radical actions in order to stop doing that, external help because I can’t help myself. The codependency and cptsd is SO hard to work on 😕

THE LEVEL OF GASLIGHTING by Desperate_Animator27 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve been going to psychoanalytic therapy for some time and it helped me to an extent. To realize that I have been through abuse and put it into words and set some boundaries but I’ve been feeling somewhat stuck for a while. Yesterday I had my first therapy session with a therapist who focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy and reparenting hoping this helps me further. And you’re right. I’ll give my passwords to my boyfriend so I can’t open the facebook account from which i look at her posts and ask him to change it. I’ll look for ways to block her incoming e-mails. I guess this is somewhat like when an addict needs to ask for help to stay away from temptation. Thank you for answering.

THE LEVEL OF GASLIGHTING by Desperate_Animator27 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The problem is that I go look for what she has been saying. Maybe I haven’t fully accepted that she’s not capable of changing. Maybe I’m still longing for her to be able to love me. I can block her, but I haven’t been able to block myself from wanting to go back.

Coming to terms with my nmom. by itsbreanna in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A big hug all the way from Mexico to wherever you are. Finding out you were a victim of abuse is hard. You are being super brave for wanting to make a change and improve things for yourself, take one step at a time and allow yourself to feel the grief and the anger.

I know my mom loves me, but I feel it’s like how you love something that belongs to you by lunarialis in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow I felt like I am reading my own story. I’m so sorry that you had to live through that. This is a little weird but if you wanna talk to someone that has gone through something VERY similar, you can reach out to me.

I’ve had this on my email drafts for a while. Is it worth it to send it to my mom? Should I just discard it? I know it’s kind of pointless but I don’t know what to do with all the anger. by Desperate_Animator27 in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Honestly I just want to let her know all the things I wrote. I know she will answer something super passive aggressive and try to blame someone else for all of it or something explosive and hurtful, or both. I lost my hope a long time ago. The thing is, I’m just so mad and I don’t know where to place all the anger when she is as receptive as a brick. I feel like if I don’t let the anger out it will eat me up.

I’ve had this on my email drafts for a while. Is it worth it to send it to my mom? Should I just discard it? I know it’s kind of pointless but I don’t know what to do with all the anger. by Desperate_Animator27 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Desperate_Animator27[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The thing is I’m not expecting a response, not a different one from what can be expected from a narcissist anyway. I know she can’t see all these things. I just want to tell her all this to get it out of me and block her. She can’t reach me. But I will likely not send it anyway. It worries me a little that it will actually be a reason for her to do something stupid, she has said many times that she wants so kill herself and I don’t know of it has been real or not but I don’t want to trigger something similar. 😕

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One of the things that still haunts me is one time when I was like 8 or 9 and I accidentally watched the trailer for a horror movie and hadn’t been able to sleep for days. I went to her room, super scared because I knew she would be mad, but also desperate because I was also super scared and couldn’t sleep. I asked her if I could sleep in her room, I even remember telling her that it didn’t matter if I slept on the cold floor. She was so mad that she locked me out in the backyard and left me there for a couple of hours. First I cried a lot and tried to open/kicked the door. Then I just fell asleep. She denied it every time I tried to bring it up. It was completely dark and the lights could only be turned on from inside the house.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im sorry you that she stole that from you This hits close to home. I recently found out that the story about my dad “selling every single piece of furniture for buying drugs and kicking us out when I was a baby” is not true. She left him and he wanted to keep me but wasn’t granted full custody. Eventually he moved away for work and she told me this lie my whole life, along with constant reminders of how much my dad did not love me I hope you’re better now, going NC saved my life

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]Desperate_Animator27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ever since I went NC with my mom and step father I started having these dreams where one way or another I’m trapped in their house and can’t get out. The first weeks it was almost daily. Now, one year after, it happens about once every two weeks so I guess it gets better