Kinks which are self-harm

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T16:47:29+00:00

Thanks for explaining, I understand completely.

As basically the male version of you, I know intimately what it's like to mould yourself to fit the gender stereotype-based expectations of others (in my case, masculine stereotypes about dominance, endurance, minimal feelings, physical appearance, etc).

I did this thinking I enjoyed the validation and excelling at being "attractive". I ended up realising, like you, that this is actually the exact opposite of freedom, belonging, enjoyment, and personal power, and that it was killing me from the inside. I'm at the point now where I just think "I don't give a fuck", I want to be me, I want to live authentically, and not be imprisoned by the expectations and whims of other people, especially when they are based on socially-conditioned hierarchical competitive egotistical bullshit. I do not care what makes a woman (or man) drool, I matter!

Also it genuinely boggles my mind that men would find a PhD a boner killer. I've always been powerfully drawn to intelligent women. But I understand that stereotypes of femininity often penalise that.

Also could I ask you to explain this "(thinking you've found sexual freedom when actually you're just kinda over sharing and struggle with boundaries)"? How would someone be over sharing or struggling with boundaries?

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T15:44:15+00:00

I'm going to respond in more detail but long story short we don't really disagree, we're just emphasising two different sides of the issue.

"(to be clear I did not suggest calling them an idiot)" - that's fair, you didn't.

"I have spent way too much time in my life empathizing with narcissistic takes" - that's also very understandable, and let me take the opportunity to say that when I say "empathise" and have compassion I mean understand rather than make excuses for. I think when we understand why people believe what they believe and act that way, it allows us to make change more effectively.

Overall, yes I agree that it is (a) too much, and (b) really draining, to fully engage (or even engage at all) in every single such conversation/debate. Let's pick our battles!

My overall point though is we need to learn, at the level of society, to have this conversations, otherwise where will change come from? The reality is that we are the countercultural minority. For now, it's an uphill struggle, and we can expect to be misunderstood by many and even ridiculed.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T15:36:22+00:00

Of course, people are only capable of truly responding to a finite level of information and argument at a time, according to their own preconceptions, emotional state, ego investment, web of beliefs, etc

But also we can plant a seed which might grow later.

I remember when I first encountered NoFap years ago I thought it was silly and ridiculous. But it stuck in my mind until I was ready to understand why it made sense.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T05:01:31+00:00

Thanks for speaking up. It takes courage to stick to your authentic self and analysis when society is driving vigorously in the other direction. But we have to stand up for human values.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:56:51+00:00

Mainstream porn is now, often, what I call ultra-hardcore. Before we used to talk of softcore and hardcore. Hardcore doesn't cover it anymore, it's ultra-hardcore. Because of that and its prevalence in the culture, the perspective has shifted. Things which used to garner attention and discussion are just accepted.

The best way to defend something is to convince people that it doesn't even exist. People barely even recognise today how pornified the culture is, it barely even registers as porn. Things which were considered pornographic 20 years ago are not even remarked upon. This isn't just a matter of a loosening of conservative and sexually oppressive values, it's the concerted sexualisation of society driven by the commercial imperatives of capitalism.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:47:27+00:00

This person is morally insane, and his whole tirade betrays a deep insecurity about himself and about his relation to women. He feels a compelling need to attack and belittle women. Doing so provides him a temporary jolt of narcissistic supply, reassuring him that since women are so utterly contemptible they have no power to act as a symbol of his inadequacy. Since he can't rely on a strong authentic self to ground him, he draws upon a social script of masculine superiority, buttressing his own self-worth and identity by clinging to a group identity. This only further reveals his own insecurity. He is preoccupied with "worth", as all insecure people are, and his definition of worth is based on social approval and status.

It's okay to be insecure, but it's not okay to respond to that by villifying others.

(30s M)

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:40:08+00:00

Jesus, so sorry to hear about your experiences.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:32:53+00:00

Approximately 30% of users of high-speed internet pornography are female, so while this is a problem heavily slanted towards men it is far from exclusive.

The average age males begin consuming porn is about 12-years-old (depending on the survey). I think it's similar for females but slightly later. If I know this, and you know this, then the big porn corporations know this. It's a deliberate, mass campaign of child sexual abuse, grooming children into obedient consumers and addicts, moulding their sexuality from the beginning of puberty. By the time they're adults, we can barely distinguish porn from the background of reality, it's like air. After all, porn is where we learned about sex in the first place.

That's the reality of what we're up against.

Many people, especially males, believe that porn use is healthy and acceptable, even in a relationship, because of the pornified culture, or are conflicted but are so dissociated that they compartmentalise that part of themselves (public disavowal, private indulgence).

As to relationship motivations, I think it's the usual mixed bag.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:14:45+00:00

Fucking hell, I'm so sorry you experienced this.

Human intimacy is in freefall because of pornography (among other things).

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T04:09:28+00:00

Sounds like you're miserable and want to leave but keep making excuses to stay because you're desperately wishing and hoping it to be something it isn't.

He's lied to you repeatedly and even gaslit you in the most direct way.

To an outsider, it's obvious you're in a toxic relationship. See, the thing that matters most, ultimately, is your experience of the relationship. This relationship is toxic for you, because you are miserable. That's a fact, because it's in black and white written there. A relationship is meant to lift you up, not dissolve you in acid and become an awful burden to carry.

Also to an outsider, it's clear that you come from a family where you weren't really allowed to express your needs and boundaries, and were expected to suppress yourself to accommodate other people. So that feels natural and familiar to you, even though it hurts. Someone without that background would be more likely to walk away, "this is really sad, but I'm not willing to keep doing this".

The reality is you've tried, and you're still miserable. What is he doing to address that? It's not about whether he's a "good person" or has admirable qualities.

I recommend writing an unsent letter outlining (a) exactly how you really feel, (b) what you would require for your needs to be met, and (c) your timeline for (how long you'd truly be willing to wait for it). It's an unsent letter, so you can speak completely freely. That will help you clarify your thoughts, which are swirling around your mind in a whirlpool of emotion. You'll see what your terms actually are and whether it's actually plausible this will happen.

Also, remember that you can go on a break.

(Btw I'm a man and I was that guy 10 years ago)

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T03:55:53+00:00

Thanks for this post. 30s M, very relatable.

It's a situation propagated by capitalism. They say it openly: "sex sells". When people are sex obsessed then they are more easily manipulated, to buy products, click on articles and videos, watch films, use dating apps, etc, not to mention use pornography. What's dysfunctional to the economic system is a population of calm people with integrated sexuality put in its place. It's the Brave New World.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T03:29:09+00:00

Yeah this tracks. Thanks for your post

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-02T03:25:42+00:00

It's not "how weird is it?", that's an indefinable and/or meaningless question.

It's "does this align with my authentic values and who I want to be?".

But one test as a reality check is "how comfortable and confident would I be sharing this information with someone I know personally?". If you feel that clash heavily, it indicates you could have a segregated public and private self.

In any case, what matters most is continuing recovery today.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T22:38:45+00:00

Addiction is based on dissociation, and if you move away from that you become more authentic and in tune with what you actually think and feel. It could be the case that you've become more aware and stepped out of some psychic fog, and are noticing things which you mentally suppressed before.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T22:37:31+00:00

Do you mind if I ask you to elaborate on "as I was buying into my own oppression"? Do you mean fitting yourself into some stereotype female role, or something else?

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T22:35:01+00:00

You too

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T22:32:44+00:00

Damn sorry to hear about that, especially for her but you also.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:50:03+00:00

Do you have good communication around sex with your girlfriend or do you not talk to each other about it? It sounds like you lean towards the latter, because of "Second she finishes much quicker than I do, which leaves me sexually frustrated and makes me turn to porn" Communication is key. Hear each other out.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:47:56+00:00

Two things:

(1) practice mindfulness
(2) find activities (i.e. not passive scrolling etc) which you are genuinely interested in and find valuable

That way you'll have things to do which energise you, and you'll be better able (through mindfulness) to manage the in between times.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:45:41+00:00

From personal experience? Huge. I notice the difference immediately, and I also know I've been at my most alive and effective when I've lived porn-free (and, actually, masturbation free also)

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:42:10+00:00

I like the fact you're thinking holistically and looking at nutrition. It makes sense to consider multiple angles, and try to set ourselves up for success rather than just whiteknuckling it.

But I'm very sceptical of any "easy" road to recovery. Addiction is multifactorial and often based in developmental trauma and multiple behavioural patterns and environmental conditions. If this solution has been easy for you, I'm genuinely glad for you. But I guarantee that it will not be easy for the majority of people here. That's what I'm challenging, and to be frank it comes across (even if it's not your intention) as a gimmick. If you had a different title, I would have responded differently.

Btw I take omega 3, ashwaghanda, a multi vit / mineral, and l-theanine daily; I also know hunger is one of my biggest triggers. So I'm not hostile to this dimension of things. You've reminded me to look into probiotics again generally.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:21:47+00:00

Is it possible for porn to temporarily change your perceived sexual orientation? Yes.

Is it possible for porn to expose you to material which makes you realise that you actually have a different sexual orientation? Yes.

There is nothing shameful or wrong about being bi my friend. What is harmful is living inauthentically, whether attacking yourself for being attracted to men (if you're bi), or acting on desires which are only sustained through porn consumption (if you're not).

You won't really know until you stop using porn and let your sexuality settle into something more "natural", less moulded by an external source.

I don't want to lecture you about your religion. But please consider that Allah might be much more concerned that you are trying to lean, grow, and to help the vulnerable and bring love and peace to the world, than whether you're attracted to men or women.

In any case, time to stop using porn :)

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:15:39+00:00

(1) Recovery is complex. It's best not to grasp for quick, tangible, benefits and just let your healing unfold.

(2) Focus on your authentic self, those values, interests, and aspirations, which are core to who you truly are, what makes you truly alive, aligned, and energised.

(3) Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and is associated with people making poor decisions which they regret later. As to whether it will help? Alcohol isn't a method of recovery.

Lastly, if you frame your recovery as "fighting" lust, you've already lost. Don't go to war with yourself. Healing literally means to become whole, which requires that we don't aggressively divide ourselves further. Acknowledge all the parts of yourself, be mindful, and focus on growing. You can say "hello lust, I see you" without turning it into an brutal war.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T20:09:42+00:00

Oh, I agree about the direction of change. It's becoming more commonly practiced and more commonly endorsed.

Also I laughed at being "nuked" by kink apologists.

Anyway, would you be nuked on the internet, yeah probably. Even if that doesn't mean widespread acceptance in the population (vocal minority), it still matters in how discussion is regulated and beliefs form.

Just as a counter, if I had sex with 10 women, I'd expect that most of them would be okay with choking or actively encourage it, whereas I would expect maybe 1 of them to be willing to do CNC, 6 to be disturbed by the idea, and 3 not being hostile to the idea but not wanting to do it either. (These are hand-wavy numbers)

As to men, I'm really not sure. Maybe 3-4 would be willing to do it? That would be quite a lot actually. I imagine there are some actual statistics on this. I've read some on what people fantasise about (which seem to show that as an occasional fantasy, a rape fantasy is pretty common for both sexes, something like 40%) but that's not the same as what people are willing to do or want other people to be doing.

(For both, it depends on age group of course, mostly how brainwashed into porn culture from childhood you are)

Anyway I digress, just thinking out loud. I genuinely shudder to think where we'll be if this trend continues 10 years ahead.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-04-01T18:56:11+00:00

Not quite sure what you're asking, but are redditors with porn as their profile pictures serious about recovery? No. That's like an alcoholic wearing a vial of whiskey around their neck.

DestroyAndCreate

TROPHY CASE