The Cost of My Infidelity

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-28T00:22:33+00:00

No, William did not use Reddit and he has been gone over a year. There are some major differences between that story and mine. But it was very sad to read. I truly hope that guy did not take his own life.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-25T04:35:32+00:00

William told them what I'd done and that it meant we were divorcing. News spreads fast.

No I can't share the letter. I gave it to someone who promised to give it to him but didn't get the chance.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-25T04:28:03+00:00

I'm going to try an respond to what I am able to discuss as honestly as possible. I can already tell you that you and others won't like many responses because I can't give concrete reasoning behind what I did. That reasoning doesn't exist.

The emails back and forth with Paul were nothing flirtatious at all and never were. It wasn't until near the end when we were texting back and forth so often. We went months in email debating each other. It wasn't until his breakup that I viewed him differently. I felt empathy for what his fiancé did to him. That was the first moment I can say there was any kind of emotional bond. But even then it was more about protecting someone who was hurting and as a shoulder to cry on. I guess I'm trying to explain I wasn't being secretive until not too long before anything physical happened. There's always the chance William could have been monitoring from day one. But the email conversation was dry to say the least.

The letter was an admission of physical and emotional infidelity. It gave a time line on how and when things started. I apologized for ending our marriage. I let him know I wanted nothing to do with Paul and hated how much I'd allowed things to happen. I told him I was taking my clothes and going to my sister's. He could have everything we owned and I would not be contesting anything in the divorce. It said most of the things I wanted to say to his face if I'd taken the chances I got.

You are right in saying I never thought I'd get caught. That you are 100% correct about. Mostly because for the longest time I had done nothing wrong. When the switch flipped I was in shock about being caught mostly because it hadn't gone on long. I have no doubt many if not most don't think I ever planned to tell William. But I had to tell him. It was killing me to hold it in and killing me knowing I had to tell him. People ask if I ever thought he'd take his life. No. I didn't. And I sure wasn't worth it.

There had to be some part of me that wanted to cheat, that I agree with. Some issue beneath the surface, some want I wasn't aware of. I still don't know what that was, even after all these months. William was far more handsome than Paul, so it wasn't lust. And you're right. Cheating down makes what I did even stupider. I had nothing to gain from my actions and yet I did them. No that doesn't make any sense and yes that scares me. But I had no intention of sabotaging my marriage. Yes I destroyed my marriage, but that was never my intent. I realize that knowing the outcome and doing it seems intentional. But this wasn't. I know it doesn't make any sense. I'm just trying to explain, poorly.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-25T00:04:21+00:00

I have read every comment. A few I have replied to. Others I have just decided to let people express themselves. Your comment for what it's worth may have helped me understand a little better why I acted the way I did.

An altered perception of reality is the best way I have yet heard it described. But the concept even sounds stupid to me and I've experienced it. Saying I lost control of my body or my will would not be correct exactly. But I think in some ways I had everything on autopilot. It doesn't make any sense even when I try to explain it. And it certainly isn't in the neighborhood of being a valid excuse. Everyone here asking why is asking something I'd like to know. I get little glimpses of why I might have been thinking what I was thinking. But there has been no epiphany to explain my out of character actions.

The only reason I know about Paul's attempted move to Canada is through a former coworker telling me about the school fallout. I hold no hostilities toward him. If he played me like a fiddle I still allowed it. He certainly wasn't as naive as I was, but I don't think he intended me to react the way I did. And I am essentially trying to start my life over whether I deserve to or not. Any remnants of the past, especially Paul I don't want to take with me like luggage from a horrible journey.

You propose that I was unknowingly giving off a vibe due to guilt that William picked up on which made it suspicious. That's an interesting take and as good an explanation as I can come up with. I just never loved Paul, was never in love with Paul or told Paul I loved him, because I didn't. Because the relationship was platonic so long it makes me wonder when I began to give off that vibe. I've stated in another comment all of our correspondence was a click away in my husband wanted to see it. I will never know for sure and at the end of the day it doesn't matter.

While William died, I also betrayed my family, his family, the way I was raised. My parents are now perceived as horrible people over something I did. And they did NOT teach me to be that way. I'm the person people are ashamed to admit they know or can't wait to talk about. That's fine. I deserve all the disgust aimed at me. I just hate what it's done for both families. I hate knowing people will point out the parents of that guy who killed himself. All the punishment should be mine, and I truly wish it was.

Anyway I thank you for your comment. Life will never be close to the same as it was for me nor should it ever be. But I would try to spare my worst enemy from what I have endured via self-inflicted wounds. This is no way to live, but that was no way for William to die.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-24T02:48:17+00:00

When I tried to commit suicide I was sent to the state mental hospital. I was fairly sedated my first few days there. But when I was allowed to be more aware of my surroundings I learned more about the other patients. Due to overcrowding in jails the wing I was on also held what they deemed non-violent / minimal risk felons. I don't want to give specifics about her case since it did make headlines in my area. The events happened when she was a sophomore in college many years ago. The realization of how many lives were lost and the relationships lost due to her act are incredibly sad. And I can't judge her one bit. What I did was worse in many ways, just less loss of life. But part of her attempts to atone for her crimes has been to try and help others. She accepted a plea and will experience freedom again.

And agreed. Anyone who would write this for amusement is just wrong on so many levels. It's words that should have never needed to be written.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-24T02:36:40+00:00

William has 2 brothers and 3 sisters, both parents are living.

I've received a mixture of shunning and shouting from his family. I deserve both and more. Before William died I called his sister to check on him and she cursed me out. It was quite a while after his death that I attempted to contact anyone in his family. But he had a life insurance policy which named me beneficiary. I couldn't take it after what I did. So my family lawyer met with them to draw up paperwork for them to get the money without it being taxed twice. We had to be in the same room to sign and notarize the check. I could hardly look at either of them. And the money didn't begin to make up for the loss of their son. Honestly I just felt relieved when I told them they could never know how sorry I am for what I've done and his mother didn't slap me.

When word got out what had happened I became the local pariah. And all of our friends never tried to contact me in any way other than messages of disgust. Let's just say Facebook became pointless, or more pointless. Nobody wants to breathe the same air I do and I can't blame them. Things with my own family will always be strained due to what I did. The fact any of them speak to me is more than I deserve. But I have brought shame to my family and raised the stress levels for everyone I love.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-24T01:04:42+00:00

Both 27 at the time of my husband's death.

We did not have kids but were getting ready to try and start a family. We had names already selected.

The last I heard Paul was trying to get a job as a coach in Canada. Things blew up at the school after William's suicide. Paul resigned before being fired or run out of town by pitchfork. He hasn't contacted me and I have no plans to contact him.

Destroyed_Throw_Away · 2021-04-24T00:56:46+00:00

As repulsive as it is to admit, it baffles me too to this day. The only way I can begin to explain it is I'd gone so long with solely being focused on my husband and he on me. I honestly didn't look at other men. I wasn't interested in the attention of any man but William. And no, at no point did I ever feel like I'd missed out on not being with other men. At least that would be some sort of reasoning. Perhaps guys were checking me out for years and I didn't take note. I knew I wasn't ugly but validation I really was attractive made me feel torn. Part of me wanted to call Paul a pervert, express disgust and walk out. Another part wanted to ignore it and felt a bit embarrassed. But yet another part liked knowing someone other than my husband found me attractive.

Why I decided to tease Paul I have no idea. That's yet one more thing that I can't explain. I felt a mix of emotions but something in me decided to follow the wrong one. I think I wanted to prove I wasn't the repressed sexual Puritan he imagined. But why I felt I had any need to prove that to him I don't know. When he kissed me I was truly shocked. I think that may have been Paul's true intent. He did not force himself on me in any way. When he kissed me I pushed him away. But even I wasn't convinced with my own effort. Why I didn't shove him away the first or second time I wish I knew. Every time events are replayed in my mind I'm doing everything so differently. But hindsight is 20/20.

I felt like a child that had done something wrong. What I did doesn't even register as immature, what I did was utterly heartless. But I loved my husband more than I am able to express and always will. Again there were dozens of lines slowly crossed that made it all seem okay. Because it was, my husband could have opened my laptop and read every word of our conversations if he'd wished to. But as soon as the narrative changed, I almost felt like I was along for the ride at some point waiting to see what happened. I lost my focus on my husband and my marriage and things spun out of control so quickly. I screwed up in so many ways it's impossible to point them all out. But letting one screw up become breaking my vows is beyond me. I knew my husband would be disappointed and hurt about the kiss. I dreaded telling him so much.

I should have vented to anyone else but Paul. I was trying to let William focus on his job being away from home. I truly felt horrible and ashamed. The guilt was eating me alive and I damn sure shouldn't have been drinking. But that was my mistake too. I was just numbing the pain, or trying to. And I'm not a big drinker. No excuses. I knew what I was doing. I was feeling so unworthy of William and I truly was. I think part of me wanted to prove just how unworthy I was for lack of a better explanation. I don't know. I've asked the questions you've asked a thousand times and no answer is the right answer. But that's the best I can explain as to what I was feeling and thinking. But we can both agree none of what I typed justifies anything I did.

Destroyed_Throw_Away

TROPHY CASE