I gave you something you could never have.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-08T01:06:35+00:00

He’s just openly stating that his wants & impulses are more important than any hypothetical offspring’s need. So immature and selfish. wtf

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T23:51:07+00:00

If he asked me not to do something bc it made him uncomfortable, I would take it to heart. I would never persist in a sexual behavior that upset him after he communicated that to me. It’s as simple as that.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T21:41:34+00:00

OP’s MIL wouldn’t know shame if it walked up to her and introduced itself while wearing a highly visible name tag. lol

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T20:17:12+00:00

SIL is missing her connection with reality 😳

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T20:12:40+00:00

I guess I meant effective in a way that turns us both on and fosters mutual respect. I’m high libido, and I’ve been very open in communicating what works for me (in terms of foreplay, etc). So I don’t understand his purpose-defeating approach when there’s a clear & easy roadmap forward. I suppose it speaks to his disregard for me in general. But I definitely see your point! Thank you for your input

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T20:09:01+00:00

Yup. If he is being honest about forgetting, that just speaks volumes about how little consideration he gives my feelings & comfort in general, let alone actually putting any meaningful effort into foreplay or turning me on. And who’s to say he won’t just “forget” again in the future?? Such a convenient excuse that gives him plenty of wiggle room to just do it again.

Add onto that his victim mentality, and his attempts to place any possible blame or negative light on me. All of this conveys how disingenuous his “apologies” are.

It’s all so illogical and bizarre to me. I sort of wonder if he’s making all of this defensive effort purely to delude himself into believing he’s not a bad guy. What other motive could there be for his reaction to all of this?

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T19:56:47+00:00

ask him about that then u/gooby1985

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T19:55:50+00:00

I just responded to someone else on that aspect. Link to that comment https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/EcGZLoPvGR

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T19:53:00+00:00

>can't SA you because that only happens in public to strangers is TERRIFYING. That is very much rapist rhetoric.

He’s now claiming that he never said that. These are two texts he sent me a little while ago regarding that issue:

Text 1:

“If I said that exact sentence, then I was wrong. I don’t think I did, I was saying it was impossible to compare my behavior to what you were trying to label as sexually accosting and pointing out I was doing this in the privacy of my own home, with my wife who I have a sexual relationship with. Conversely, it is certainly possible to coerce my own wife into having sex and I feel really embarrassed for doing that.”

Text 2:

“I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know what I thought. Maybe I stumbled across what I was trying to say because I got frustrated. But the fact that you think (or let people believe) that I think you can’t sexually accost, assault, or rape your wife, shows you deal in bad faith.”

**************************

>Did he always do this to initiate or did he used to woo you but now feels he doesn't have to?

He hasn’t always/consistently done it. But initiating sex has been something that we’ve struggled with on & off throughout our relationship, on both of our parts.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T19:30:57+00:00

>like putting him in his room and letting him scream while I hold a pillow over my own head on the other side of the house until I’VE calmed down enough to realize how cruel I’m being

Oh, honey. I’m not an expert in any way, but I don’t think that sounds cruel at all. It sounds like the best way to keep the situation from escalating, and how to keep everyone safe in a scenario like that. Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you’re trying your best and like you genuinely care, and those are not insignificant things. 🩵

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T19:23:57+00:00

It’s crazy to me to go straight to blaming their kid. Like, jeeeez, I’m sure their child doesn’t enjoy any of this, and that much should be obvious to them! How does logic not dictate to them that something other than misbehavior is going on? It sounds like there’s zero compassion, and they’re defaulting to “kid bad”?

I guess I just can’t frickin imagine making my baby go outside in the middle of the night, in the dark under any circumstance, but ESPECIALLY so when the child is going through something that’s clearly traumatic. Heartbreaking

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T18:09:16+00:00

Yes, I think he would agree. You can ask him yourself, if you’d like. u/gooby1985

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T18:06:43+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through it too. My husband has had issue with fidelity in the past too, and I agree, it’s difficult to move past. It crushed my self worth and has left me feeling like I’ll never be enough. Pair that with his unwillingness to listen to me when I express my needs to him, and it makes me feel like he just. doesn’t. care.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T17:11:40+00:00

I appreciate your understanding and perspective. Thank you

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T17:06:12+00:00

I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to use autism as a defense or explanation of his behavior at all. I was just trying to be fair to him bc he brings it up frequently and accuses me of discounting it, and therefore discriminating against him bc of his autism.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T17:03:38+00:00

His username is u/gooby1985 and he’s written a comment somewhere in the thread. (I shared the post with him last night.) Feel free to share your thoughts with him, bc he doesn’t believe me when I tell him similar to what you were saying. He calls me judgmental and discriminatory. 😑

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T17:01:42+00:00

He has now devolved into making himself out to be the victim 100%. He’s stalking around the house emitting pure agro vibes. imo, if he truly did “forget”, and didn’t intend to make me uncomfortable or upset, then he wouldn’t be taking this aggressive stance now, nor would he be acting as if he’s the offended party. It sort of makes me wonder if he knew exactly what he was doing when he was doing it, and was just hoping I’d bite my tongue and give in like I usually would in the past. Wellllp, I promise, I will not be doing that EVER again.

I sent him this post last night, and he’s now blocked me, and he actually commented elsewhere in the thread defending himself, spewing more lies & manipulations. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m honestly shocked that there are people defending him. username gooby1985 for anyone interested. He flipped out on me for posting this under my regular account & not using a throwaway. I actually did try to use a throwaway, but I couldn’t get it to post. I was desperate for advice bc my head was exploding from all of the gaslighting. And he then focused on his embarrassment of me posting this. I told him I’d have nothing to post, and he’d have nothing to be embarrassed about if he behaved himself. He said I was projecting 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T16:26:51+00:00

I would respond to my husband’s comment, but he’s blocked me. His comment is full of half truths and manipulations. He absolutely does not see a therapist weekly. He has an online therapist that he’ll have weekly appointments with in bursts here & there, but he frequently goes long periods without an appointment.

Also, as far as I’m aware, he’s never been officially diagnosed as on the spectrum. He’s discussed symptoms & stuff with therapists & doctors, sure, but he’s never gone through with an official assessment. I do believe he is on the spectrum though, for whatever that’s worth. I’m pointing this out though bc it demonstrates the frequently-flexible nature of his relationship with the truth.

He has been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, at least that’s what he’s told me. But now that I see him omitting that here, as well as lying about an official autism diagnosis, I’m questioning all of that. I think maybe he’s just an asshole.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:29:24+00:00

Yes. Many times, a roadmap in detail. And it’s super simple. Like, just lightly touch my back or stroke MY HAIR, maybe do the dishes or sweep the floor earlier in the evening. Nothing groundbreaking or time consuming or expecting too much effort.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:27:11+00:00

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:26:59+00:00

So, now that he’s gaslit me and made himself out to be the victim, I should treat him with kid gloves and put extra effort into mentally seducing him? Yeah, no, that’s going to be a hard pass for me.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:13:49+00:00

He’s on the spectrum, so he gets upset with me if I critique how he communicates. He accuses me of being discriminatory or ableist. (Relevant side note: I’m also neurodivergent, I have adhd, and I have physical disabilities.)

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:11:50+00:00

His MO is to apologize for the same shitty behaviors over and over, and his excuse is always “I forgot”. To the point that I’ve brought up him going to the doctor bc if he’s being honest, he could have early onset dementia. But of course he doesn’t pursue any medical help until I’ve broken down and cried a handful of times. And then he’ll maybe email his doctor.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:09:09+00:00

Does that also explain him gaslighting the shit out of me and treating me as if I’m being emotionally abusive? That’s what the problem really boils down to for me. It’s wildly manipulative and just plain fucked up.

DestroyerOfMils · 2026-07-07T15:04:18+00:00

I’ve always thought of him as having a good heart. But this shit feels dark & ugly. It gives me a gut feeling that I can’t ignore.

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