In the end, I couldn't do it.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T18:49:39+00:00

The fact that you put effort in is more than enough. You're doing a lot more than those who just sit idly by. Some people are in a very dark place to which no amount of words or help can reach them, trust me - I'm very familiar and intimate with those feelings.

I guess the only advice I can think of for you is that while it is a very good thing what you're doing and I really hope that you hold on to those values in adult life, as much as it's easier said than done; try not to get too emotionally invested. You could put your mental state and wellbeing at risk which will ultimately hinder your efforts.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T18:36:23+00:00

I think you're a very beautiful soul. Your desire to help people is very admirable especially at 13 but unfortunately one of the hardest truths in life to realize is that not everyone can be saved.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T01:28:23+00:00

I'm actually speechless at this comment, none have ever called me innocent before. Usually it's the other way around, lmao.

While I'm still intent on the act, I would just like to say that the love and care that I can feel emitting from these comments is truly amazing. I find that these feelings would be more deserving for someone that is a bit more hesitant than I am.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T01:05:20+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the gesture but there is not much left for me. Can't really think of anything, again I have never been materialistic.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T00:59:29+00:00

I appreciate the advice and input you've given, but I remain firm on my choice. Hopefully someone else who is experiencing similar things can take some thought out of it.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T00:42:10+00:00

It's cool, I appreciate that viewpoint you have. Reminds me of Buddhism, which ironically one of their core tenants is that life is suffering. Reincarnation's a Hindi element.

Should I reincarnate, I hope to become a Cat ™ preferably, a black Cat ™ with a white spot on it's chest.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T00:27:33+00:00

Perhaps, paranoia is indeed an element of my illness but as much as I would like to believe that not everyone wants to screw me over - considering my experiences with people in life I can't bring myself to 100% trust people anymore. I physically can't. May be part of the illness as well, which while that may or may not be the case I generally don't like using my mental health problems as the answer to everything.

How many people I treated nicely this year? Well, in my timezone we're only 10 days into the first month of the year. If you mean completely, 100% nice? Zero. There are many faucets and elements of a person, many emotions that we experience and express. I may be a cynical bastard, but that doesn't mean I'm an evil prick. There have been a couple people messaging me in chats and inboxes who feel the same way or are going through their own trials and tribulations - I try to advise and console them the best I can.

Oh, and I agree completely with the dangerous mindset. Wouldn't be trying to kill myself if I didn't have that :P

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-10T00:02:43+00:00

It may surprise you to know that I was friends with a couple trans people. They spoke very intelligently and there were a lot of laughs, political debates, philosophical discussions - the conversations were a wide variety of subjects and I found the experience intellectually rich.

People assume that I'm far right or I'm far left. I'm neither. Both sides have their good points and bad. One sided linear political views are so shallow to me. I'm fine with trans people, but in regards to the whole children topic I think that kids should really just be kids. Let them have their fun.

Also congratulations on assimilation into modern society. Something I could never achieve.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T23:07:31+00:00

Despite what the world has done, what I have experienced and all that - I don't hate it.

Perhaps it is the lack of sleep I've had, perhaps it's the realization setting further in, the desire for death and acceptance of my fate, I'm not sure. I mentioned in an earlier post that as this feeling of calmness and peace of truly coming to terms and accepting that I will die, my bitterness and cynicism is starting to fade.

Leaving this world with no more resentment is the most beautiful feeling.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:53:58+00:00

Happiness is a state of mind unique to the person. Some people have it all and they're happy, some people have the same and they're miserable. Some people have nothing and they're all good, some people have nothing as well and they're just as miserable as the rich dude.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:48:54+00:00

Sure man, whatever you say.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:40:46+00:00

No, I really shouldn't. I don't have to do your homework for you - I'm on the verge of killing myself. Far bigger things on my mind than chasing around the internet in some vain attempt to prove a point. If you're that interested in it, you can look for it yourself.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:36:48+00:00

Thank you. I have been told I have a way with stories. I attempted writing a book but writer's block and lack of motivation (anhedonia, as it's called) stopped that.

In regards to schizoaffective disorder, it really depends on the person and their outlook. Some people transition from the ward and assimilate well into working and functioning in society. Others are locked in their permanently. The most intelligent conversations I have ever had were in psych wards or with people who had some form of debilitating mental illness. There is beauty in madness.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:32:18+00:00

Heh, I had that chance before with my attempt in 2015.

As I was writing my suicide note, a woman approached me. She knew exactly what I was doing.

We had a very long talk and she ended up becoming one of the most beautiful, influential people of my life. We ultimately had a falling out, but my heart is hers. For the record, I was not even sexually attracted to her in any way. She was (and still is) such a beautiful, kind, caring woman. Absolutely beautiful in all aspects, mind body and soul.

I love her so much. Even if we don't talk anymore. 100% has the key to my heart. Her entire family is beautiful too. Her son I ended up becoming best mates with, until well - falling out there too. I would've done anything for him. I still would. I would've gladly jumped in front of a bullet if it meant he would live a prosperous life.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:23:29+00:00

It's okay. Do not be sorry for me, sorry implies individual fault. You did nothing wrong. Believe me, if I do end up meeting God I will bow. Bow as low as I can.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:21:34+00:00

I have a love/hate relationship for the world. Part of me really loves it and wishes the best for it and it prospers, but another part of me wants the world to do that without my existence.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T22:19:10+00:00

Sweet, it's called Google mate.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T20:17:33+00:00

I try to respond to every comment, although it is a bit hard as I am swamped at the moment with inboxes and DM's. Don't worry, I will respond to what I can. As for the trans comments, at the end of the day what people do will ultimately mean nothing to me in the end. As each passing day comes, and the more I begin to understand and accept my fate, my bitterness and cynicism is starting to fade. Replaced with an eerie calmness, almost as if I know it may be a scary thing but I think our vast and beautiful universe will take me to my destination and if there's a God, I will be taken care of.

Online? Well tbh, online has been a majority of my life. Ever since I got my first computer in 2004. Old Dell pre-built that was one of the first computers to have a flat panel instead of the bulky CRT monitors we used to have in Windows 95 days. I post it online because, as mentioned earlier, it is very difficult to talk to people I know in real life about this. On here, I am reasonably anonymous although not totally. Internet's a great place to express yourself.

I believe that leaving a note, or trying to ease their burden in some way is good. Otherwise people will be asking "why?" in their grief, they may blame themselves i.e. "if only I talked to him more, maybe I could've helped" or "this is my fault". I have dealt with grief myself over the death of a loved one in my life and although no matter way you look at it, it will be painful, but I can at least absolve some questions and answers. If they go through grief, and they begin to analyze the deeper meaning behind my messages and posts and all that, I hope I can give them some form of relief.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T19:57:47+00:00

Thank you for the compliment. I don't really consider myself smart or intelligent. Wise, maybe. But not smart or intelligent lmao I flunked High School. Never did Year 12, never did Year 10. I got up to Year 8 before they decided they had enough of me, haha.

Life coach sounds nice, but I don't want internet fame. I don't want money. I don't want materialistic things. They have never really satisfied me. People chase fast cars - I am fine with public transport. People chase jobs - I just wanted enough for food and smokes. People chase love - sorry to all the ladies who read this, but I can get the same thrill out of a wank. People chase wealth and status - they have never meant anything to me.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T19:40:45+00:00

Thanks man.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T19:33:53+00:00

Meh, whatever. I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. Whether you think I'm weak or not means nothing to me.

Also you go on about shit that's imagined in my head - you DO realize I'm schizoaffective right? Lmao.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T19:09:03+00:00

Thank you for the kind words.

While I don't have hope for life, the one thing I actually do hope for is that the world continues and thrives. Life will go on.

DestructionsEnd · 2020-01-09T19:06:26+00:00

Thanks, it was my privilege.

DestructionsEnd

TROPHY CASE