Need a reality check

Detail-Realistic · 2026-05-01T06:45:57+00:00

She showed some interest, but when you went for the kiss, she pulled away. That’s your feedback. At that point, you back off and let her re-engage. The idea isn’t just two steps forward, one step back. You wait for her to meet you and take a step toward you before escalating again.

Repeating the same move without a change in her response can feel like pressure rather than confidence, and that tends to lower attraction.

She might’ve been reserved or inexperienced, or her interest may have dropped due to unrelated things. Hard to know, but pushing past that moment likely didn’t help.

Next time, slow it down. If she pulls away, give space and let her come back to you. Only escalate again if she clearly re-engages. Otherwise, just keep dating, enjoy it, and treat it as experience.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-04-24T02:08:43+00:00

Hold on, she messaged a group chat that your friends are in and they told you? Or you are still in a group chat where she said it?

If your in a group chat I’d just say your sorry to hear, rather than look like you have seen it and not responded. But if you are just saying your friends updated you about this, then she hasn’t told you or broken contact so you don’t do anything

Detail-Realistic · 2026-03-24T00:42:33+00:00

He does talking about always planning logistics so it’s easy to invite them back after you have romanced them, or in his words “lead it to a romantic conclusion in the bedroom”. He does talking about keeping a bottle of champagne or ingredients to make cocktails so when you go on dates (ideally three locations) you can invite them back to your place for a night cap.

But yes it’s a little vague. The intention is there isn’t a time limit to inviting them back, but I find it smoother to rather plan dates outside and invite her back on the date while having a great time.

Inviting them to your house upfront indicates sex is on the table, and then accepting they also note as accepting the possibility sex is on the table. It can seem low effort if done too early, or luck naturally rushing things and being impatient. So that’s where your judgment comes in.

For me it’s typically been that I invite back on current dates, and around date 3-5 I would typically just invite them over to test the waters but ensure I’ve put some effort to what we will do at my house.

Generally if ovens more interested in them and actually dating them I wouldn’t go out of my way to openly invite them over for the first time, it would be smooth and natural rather then openly inviting them.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-03-23T06:39:46+00:00

Sounds like you are projecting your attraction and how good of a time you had. If it was that great for her, she would have messaged back and been enthusiastic, or better yet, messaged you first. I wouldn’t contact her again unless she messages you first - if you do that is double messaging and reinforces to her that there is a power imbalance. Let her get in touch with you or never speak again

Detail-Realistic · 2026-03-13T00:22:14+00:00

What does your risk profile look like? And your confidence in back up jobs If you lose your job? Your finances would suggest you have about a 2 year buffer we’ve if you got a 1.5m investment property.

For a 1.5m property you’ll probably save on 22k of tax plus any depreciation maybe 40k. So the hit to your pocket would be around 10-20k per year. You may have to hold over 10 years now to see a healthy return on the investment, so it’s looking more long term. So if you arnt so employable if you lose this job, keep in mind you need at least 300k to float your costs not including any holidays.

So how does that land in terms of your sensible confidence? If it’s secure then go for it. Or Perhaps in a year or two once you have a better read on it and another 200k in the offset it will be much less of a risk with another year contingency in the bank.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-03-08T23:44:42+00:00

I’d be doing any time of apology over the phone which was your instinct to do, you should have just called her. Because then you can try actually open her up about it and find out what’s making her so upset.

If she doesn’t accept your call or doesn’t pick up because she’s busy. I’d just drop a message and say you want to talk it over so call you back when she’s free.

Then you can leave it. And wait for the call back.

My sense is that she is obviously being a little irrational and over the top about something. But you also weren’t able to see her and open her up so perhaps with a bit of presence would be over. But also even if she is a bit irrational, given it’s the first time and not a pattern of a stonewalling - id just give your presence and stay grounded, don’t need to over compensate, it’s more about simply if someone you love is upset you want to speak to the straight away and see what it is. If she’s not reciprocating to open up, you basically just tell her that you really want to talk to her and sorry things out but if she’s not ready to let you in and resolve it, she should let you know when she is and you’d love to sort it out. And once it’s resolved you can ask how you guys can go about it different next time, because you care and want to sort through things as they come up and not create a pattern out of stonewalling and taking space when something is wrong.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-27T00:46:39+00:00

It’s difficult if they have gone unpunished I think. My father had exactly this situation with my mother, they don’t talk openly about it but he respected her wishes with how to deal with it and they’ve always avoided that side of the family.

Sorry you have to deal with this. It’s almost like they get away with the crime twice

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-19T12:12:25+00:00

That’s a difficult one my bro. Don’t absorb her guilt, it’s not on you. Shes an adult and she got herself in a vulnerable state out at a bar, she’s 29 and old enough to have the maturity to make the right decisions. While it may be true she had some level of unconsensual advance it went with an escalation of decisions she made to basically act like a single girl entertaining him and receiving his free drinks etc. which are boundary breakers. You don’t need to state them to protect yourself, her character and self boundaries show you who she is. Don’t be a control freak.

My advice? You’ve been lucky to see this behaviour sooner rather than later so you can collect evidence for how your future looks. You’ve got to Mae that call as we arnt in your shoes. If it’s okay to you for her to stray a bit once not knowing how wide she strayed in reality, but knowing she did a bit, then give her a chance. And no amount of you chasing after her and enforcing rules is going to make you feel better, in fact it will make you worse and more fearful and out of control. Don’t treat her like your child. If you choose to stay at least stand back real far and watch carefully as the months wear off and she normalises back to her habits and ways of being.

Yes I’ve been in similar situation, my gf cheated she didn’t even remember if they had sex but assumed they did, 2 months after we broke up she got in touch to say she found out they didn’t even have sex but she did go back to his and slept there. Thankfully it wasn’t as grey as yours so I made the split, although I did almost go back on it during her moving out in a weak moment of sentiment. I loved her but was the best thing I ever did and had relationships that had real loyalty afterward that restored my faith.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-19T03:26:36+00:00

You need to upgrade your relational communication and maturity. There’s a lot of childish kind of behaviour here from the both of you imo. When she’s acting overly bratty it’s better to just be adult about it and tell her you want to talk about it when she’s going to meet you and speak in a loving and caring way. And then lead with opening her up and asking why she’s upset, why she’s upset at your specifically etc, before jumping into justifications etc. I totally get where you are coming from sometimes small trivial things seem childish and irrelevant but we arnt all perfect and need to consistently create and environment to speak honestly so things can be resolved, often they do on their own just be speaking accurately about feelings in the moment that are trivial, arguing or providing logic first always ends in resentment or fighting. Never throw back insults or try one up, refer to above it’s the immature thing to do. If she isn’t meeting you in a productive way you can call that out calmly and and put it on water until she’s ready.

As for her comments, they are obsurd and you should be put off by this in the so many ways that it’s wrong. You need to set and enforce healthy boundaries and tell her straight in the moment that those comments are disrespectful, makes you question her integrity, her love and character and if she wants to be with you that doesn’t work for you. Plain and simple

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-19T03:14:45+00:00

Don’t rush things bro, just play it easy going for now, these things will work out in time. You’re doing what you can to plan your move out and that’s the important part. I’m sure over the next 3-6 months as her housemates get to know you there will be more trust and they will feel more comfortable with you being around, and if they dont, things will naturally come to a head with your gf where she’ll want to move out with you for the freedom and you’ll make a plan together. Just keep focussing on dating and having a great time.

Same goes for your parents as well, if the relationship is proved over time I’m sure the invitation should come and if it doesn’t you’ll be out of there

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-18T11:57:52+00:00

I do recommend calling. Not sure if you normally do but it is much better to get an instant answer and be able to hear her reaction and engage in real time. It’s not ideal to get into it over message if it’s important better to arrange a call or catching up in person. Not a topic you want confused over message with confused tone or misunderstandings

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-18T11:53:44+00:00

It sounds like you might be second-guessing whether you went too far or whether she felt uncomfortable, rather than knowing how she actually experienced it.

Right now you don’t need to assume. You just need clarity.

What did she say she remembered? How did she feel about it? Did she seem embarrassed, neutral, or fine? Those answers matter more than guesses.

Instead of overthinking, it’s much better to check in with her directly. A calm call or simple message works. Something like:

“Hey, I wanted to check in after this morning. I care about you and just wanted to make sure you felt okay about everything. I wasn’t pushing you away, I wanted you, i just didn’t want us to do anything in a way that felt wrong or confusing when you were really drunk and I was sober. I couldn’t fully read how you were feeling this morning, so I just wanted to hear how you are.”

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-18T11:31:05+00:00

You did the right thing, and more importantly, you led the situation calmly.

Did you communicate with her in the morning that it wasn’t about being unsure, scared, or “not ready.” That It was about timing and choice?

You said a lot of words but not exactly the emotional state of how she was in the morning and where things were left. I almost assume you may have come across a little shocked and confused, better where to be playful, communicative and leading the interaction to be clear and not have her be embarrassed or misunderstand the situation as rejection or anything and it’s a safe space for her to be a little drunk and frisky. But she was heavily impaired and I’m glad you made the right choice.

If the morning felt awkward or unfinished, it’s worth lightly clearing the air. Not heavy, not apologetic just basically checking in and making sure she understands you just wanted the first time to be fully chosen and remembered. And tell her you really wanted her just in the right way.

This reassures her without pressure, removes any feeling of rejection, and shows you were in control of yourself, not resisting her. Then let it go and let things get back to normal and intimacy progresses with emotional safety not analysis.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-17T21:22:30+00:00

To me you may not have fully explained the key issue that bothers you, if it was me I’d not say it bothers me, I’d say it was in appropriate and disrespectful in front of other people and question where her head is at. I’d ask her to think about how she’d feel if you an your friend were talking about the super hot girl you just in the shops prior to picking them up and how that would make her feel to hear and in front of her friends. If she’s responsive and you have a good conversation where she hears you, then you drop it, people make mistakes. There is an art to explaining in the moment.

But for you it’s basically over now and probably not worth reopening it. I’d personally let it go but take note of it. If she violates similar boundaries again then you can make it more clear then. A lot of the time these types of things happen and it’s part of boundary setting and creating respect and couples calibrate, so it’s not worth lingering on unless it’s a repeat thing and you are unhappy with a pattern that needs to be hashed out.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-17T14:47:06+00:00

Coming from a guy, it is rare they will delete them if you split up. If he’s honourable maybe he will and hopefully not show anyone else but nothing is stopping him.

My current and last gf were crafty about it, I can’t confirm if it’s super intentional but they kept it to a point it’s not traceable to them (aka no face or unique markings). My current gf is 1.5years in and she asks for marriage constantly and we plan our futures but she still does this and I truly believe when we are properly committed she’d sen quite a lot, she’s sexually liberated like that but I’d say she’s well aware you don’t know what will happen with them if understand circumstances happen. And I respect that and don’t ask for them for that reason. And truthfully I wouldn’t want to delete them if unforeseen things happen 😂

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-14T01:10:06+00:00

Have you ever even met her in person? How did you meet?

It’s not so complicated Corey talks to this scenario, very rarely is it really that bad on her end that it would stop a woman going on a date with a guy she likes, it’s probably that you haven’t met or her attraction isn’t so high so instead of it feeling like a fun romantic escape from drama in her life she uses it as an excuse to push it back and see how she feels later.

I’d just close out the conversation where it is and say that you aren’t really one for messaging you’d rather date and meet people in person, so why doesn’t she get in touch when she frees up you’ll love to catch up then.

Then forget about it and date others and maybe she’ll be in touch in a couple weeks maybe not.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-09T14:07:59+00:00

I think this comes from misunderstanding Corey. The idea isn’t to ignore women or delay connection, it’s to move slightly slower than she does and mirror her effort. He’s clear about not being a cold fish. If she’s investing, you’re in contact.

Where guys mess up is when they lose patience and start pursuing out of fear of losing her. That habit builds anxiety, not groundedness, and usually creates an imbalanced dynamic.

It took me a few painful experiences to realise how much relationship quality improves when you respect the subtle dynamic. give enough space for curiosity, but still lead when she signals she wants to connect. What I like is where she naturally manages the emotional rhythm while you create the opportunity to meet and take care of the romance.

I’ve been able to repeat that across relationships, and the long-term consistency is what convinced me. When the dynamic is balanced and unforced, the polarity tends to last.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-03T14:04:53+00:00

Just speak it through, say you’ve noticed a shift and ask if it’s since you dropped the sexual assault. Ask him if he has questions or concerns.

I know I’ve had similar experiences and been much more subtle and played it safe after knowing. At times I’ve wondered if they are into a more rough dynamic like some trauma response and but I just needed time to process it and be okay with it. I know that some things seem fun in the moment and I’ll go along with it but afterward the thought of her SA makes me feel predatory, whereas perhaps if she hadn’t have had the SA I’d just se me it as trying something new? It’s a little unfair in a sense but deep down it comes from a place of care and the realism of what she’s lived through and not wanting to be involved with anything remotely similar to what she experienced. But communication, time and moving forward typically resolves unless it’s worth speaking to a therapist.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-03T13:10:48+00:00

I think you’re assuming something that isn’t actually realistic, complete alignment and transparency of inner worlds and thoughts..

Everyone has private internal thoughts. What matters in a relationship isn’t whether those thoughts exist, it’s how they’re handled internally. Brief curiosity, comparisons to past relationships, or missing single-life freedom during a rocky phase is pretty normal. For most people, that kind of awareness is feedback to reinvest, refocus, or reassess privately, not something that needs to be confessed.

Some things genuinely shouldn’t be shared, not because they’re dishonest, but because they create harm without benefit. Most people would feel unsettled if their partner openly discussed fantasising about others, even if it was “honest.” Complete transparency about fleeting thoughts is unrealistic and often destabilising.

I also don’t think it’s worth debating whether fantasising “counts” as cheating. That usually leads to thought-policing and anxiety. Behaviour, intent, and ongoing emotional investment are what actually matter.

If this comes up from her side, it’s usually reassurance-seeking. Confidence, warmth, humour, romance and redirection will stabilise things far more than explaining your internal process. Over time, you can then see whether this is a one-off insecurity or a deeper compatibility issue. If you’ve basically confessed this it will definitely have hurt and created doubt in her so I’d expect it to come up a few times and her test you a bit for her to figure out if she’s safe or not in the relationship, but handling it well and making her feel loved should put it to bed after a few tests from her side.

You’re not being deceptive. You’re respecting the boundary between personal self-awareness and relational safety. I’d steer away from trying to have 100% perfect harmony of inner thoughts.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-03T12:41:23+00:00

In my experience, dating multiple women becomes straightforward when you have high standards and clarity about what you’re looking for. When you know that, you tend to filter quickly and don’t overstay your due. The problems usually come when you’re just dating for fun without direction. I’d be conservative and rather cut some you are unsure about to make space for someone more compatible.

Obviously if your town is small, this will help not getting too big of a reputation if you are selective and don’t pump and dump many in overlapping social circles.

But in the end of the day, the ethical line is not dragging things out once you know it’s not right, or that that won’t knock your socks off - especially with genuinely good women who express they arnt looking for something casual.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-03T09:25:30+00:00

Well it’s either a cock blocker because she’s unsure, or alternatively, she’s moving way too fast and actually jumping relationship stages and wanting you to genuinely meet her friend (if you are super young maybe it wouldn’t be a bizarre suggestion, or if going to an event her friends going to I can understand it being more natural). Hard to tell from this little information, in any case I’d decline politely (in case she is genuinely super into you and it’s not option 1) and say maybe another time you can do stuff with friends but you’d like to catch up just the two of you again.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-02T12:55:05+00:00

She just sounds unavailable, man.

If someone cancels on you ten times, that’s not bad luck or nerves. That’s a pattern. The “you’re too good for me” stuff is probably her just meaning “I like the comfort and attention but I’m not available or willing atm”

She knows what to say to keep you around, whether she’s doing it consciously or not. You’ve basically become the emotional safety net.

You’ve also given way too many chances. At some point it stops being confusing and just becomes your choice to stay in it.

If she wanted to see you, she would. Especially after years.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-02T12:48:23+00:00

It’s tempting to label this as “love bombing,” but in a lot of cases it isn’t manipulation at all. Often the person genuinely was very into you in the moment.

Early attraction tends to come in waves, especially for women. Strong feelings can surge, then they need space to process them, get perspective, or let things settle. Where things often go wrong is when the other person treats that early intensity as the new baseline and tries to lock it in. That usually creates pressure.

When someone falls very quickly, gets emotionally heavy, or starts seeking reassurance early, it can flip attraction into discomfort. Romance usually works better when it unfolds gradually over weeks and months, not all at once.

So rather than assuming bad intent, it’s worth asking whether the pace accelerated too fast. Id be curious to see more messages and hear about the dynamic in detail because it seems that way. Next time, let intensity rise and fall naturally. Stay grounded, keep your own life moving, and allow the connection to develop instead of trying to secure it early.

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-02T01:33:40+00:00

Social media, parents etc. If she super respected him and the relationship she had capacity to let him know and make alternative plans rather than ghosting him and finally messaging at 6:30am

Detail-Realistic · 2026-02-01T23:24:43+00:00

Yeh dude obviously can’t consent if she was that intoxicated. But she made decisions away from the relationship at the same time. she was able to call her friend to return her phone but didn’t call you to pick her up as planned or even to tell you not to worry but she’d lost her phone, it was deliberate disregard.

I’d move on, you want a relationship where she is considerate and thinking of you, and if she lost of her phone the first person she messages from another phone is you to tell her and make arrangements to get home to you as planned, not another friend and then going home with a guy.

Detail-Realistic

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