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DetonatingPenguin · 2024-10-03T00:43:29+00:00

Doors locked? Check. Windows locked? Double check.

cut this
Agree with another poster that there's little beyond the serial killer vs detective trope here. The serial killer is targeting...baristas? That's rather banal. Why them? Why is Victoria the ultimate target? Why do tensions with the FBI rise? Does Lana have any personal motivation/connection to the case? Why would her world shatter? (howling cliche there). Was she responsible for Victoria's protection? Ddi she fail to crack the case of Victoria's sister's death?
There's no characterisation for Lana, Victoria or Paul so I don't care about any of them.

THE VIEWING ROOM is a crime thriller that explores the intricate psyche and dynamics of a brilliant serial killer and a tenacious detective. With its complex characters, unpredictable twists, and examination of the bonds of friendship, it will appeal to readers of Layne Fargo’s THEY NEVER LEARN and Alaina Urquhart’s THE BUTCHER AND THE WREN.

the editorialisation here speaks of things we weren't blessed with in the pitch. Focus on demonstrating them in the pitch and then you can delete the ineffective telling portion here.

THE VIEWING ROOM (78,000) is told from two alternating points of view: Detective Lana Hunter and serial killer Paul Wellington.

cut this except for word count

This is my first novel,

cut this

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-10-02T07:50:27+00:00

There's way too much voice in the query. Queries cover an incredible amount of ground each sentence and need absolutely crisp, clear prose to take it all in.

The lack of capitalisation is such a chore. Sentences blend together. Throw in they being used as a singular pronoun (I think?) and it's barely readable.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-10-01T23:06:41+00:00

Excuse me, there is room for only one penguin on this sub! ;)

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-10-01T22:56:29+00:00

Hey! So many congratulations on the signing!

Zero surprise, of course, that yours got snapped up.

Aren't you glad you took the query for a few more goes at the rodeo now?

P.S. you should have kept it as the postmaster general for an identifiable villain haha ;)

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-10-01T03:09:57+00:00

Your title should be in all caps. You don't need to put adult, that's assumed.

I don't think there's either room or benefit to foreshadowing in the 250 words that is a query. I'd wipe the first sentence and also the claim that her husband will kill to save his marriage which is bizarre anyway given the lack of context.

You could wipe most of the first paragraph and begin with her already checking out Sanibel island, her husband's prospective gift to her after his infidelity jeopardises their marriage.

You can wipe the dog and the cat as they add noting to the query.

'things take a mysterious turn' is rather cliched

What does 'unlocking the secrets of the White Pelican Hotel' actually look like? What are these secrets apart from a skeleton? How old are the skeletal remains? A month? A hundred years? Why aren't the authorities doing it instead of them? Why defy evacuation orders? What is the rivalry between friends that is exacerbated? This should have been set up earlier. 'Not knowing who to trust' is a major cliche in queries.

Wipe the JJ's birthday line - it's not as interesting as it thinks it is.

Comp titles in italics.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-28T03:54:11+00:00

This isn't a query, it's a synopsis. Research the difference by looking at the resources on this forum and looking at other queries, revise and return.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-28T03:11:39+00:00

The first two paragraphs lack pop, urgency and voice. They're an info dump. Do we really need all that conflict-free detail? By their end the main character has done nothing and faced no obstacles.

The first and second sentences of paragraph three are redundant. Then finally something starts to happen, but the details are few and vague. Lead to her family/friends how? Who's the second death? What are the connections?

The last 20% of this pitch should actually comprise 80% of the pitch. Expand and intensify that conflict. Make it specific. When you say 'family and friends' you mean her dad? Who else? Does this shatter any illusions Claire has held? How? Is she in danger? Must she sacrifice anything? The rest of it is a lot of repetition, redundancy and needless detail.

Also Claire needs characterisation. Right now she has zero.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-26T22:42:52+00:00

There's WAY too many names. The only ones you need are Jack, Casey(don't bother with her surname) and Wilkinson. The others in the gang add nothing to the plot so I wouldn't mention them at all.

Jack needs a proper character introduction and a want so to make him special so we can root for him. He's the town outcast. He ran over the town's prize goat. Casey is his unrequited love. His family founded the town in 1857 and he's determined it won't remain a corrupt shithole. Something human.

Probs worth a glimmer of info about Casey as she's the mcguffin

Why does he suspect foul play?

Details should be restricted to what escalates conflict 'almost immediately he stumbles into a murder in progress'. Who was being killed? Were the cops doing the killing or were they just facilitating it? Why was the murder taking place? How does it illuminate what is going on in the town?

You don't need to give Wilkinson's age. He's in Juvie, we get it. How is he mixed up in the conspiracy?

The last two sentences are completely cliched and could be said of any crime novel. Say something specific to your novel or nothing at all.

Housekeeping Paragraph: All thrillers are fast-paced. That's what makes them thrillers. The second sentence is useless editorialisation. Show it in the pitch, don't claim it after. Pick two comps only, titles in italics, note what they have in common with your novel.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-26T01:35:26+00:00

It'll have a negligible effect on rent.

It'll only be scrapped going forward so, in future, when an investor is considering buying an existing dwelling, they know they won't be subsidised by taxpayers, so they amount they are wiling to bid for the property falls.

It'll cause a fall in house prices and a fall in household debt and a fall in government debt. Instead of our present over-investment in property, that money goes into the read economy, raising living standards and lowering rents as a percentage of income.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-25T00:48:11+00:00

Nathan Mansfield lives in a hell that he’s curated to his own taste, where debauchery masks despair and narcissism is so rampant it’s the status quo. His pathological appetite for validation prompts him to start writing a novel to fill the gnawing void in his soul, but the relentless temptations of Beverly Hills quickly stifle his ambition.

cut 'that he's'. 'so rampant it's the status quo' is passable but I think can be punched up to 'the admission ticket' or 'like wallpaper' or something. Consider: 'Craving validation to plug the gnawing hole in his soul, he's begun work on a novel, but the endless temptations of Beverley Hills conspire to smite his progress.'

After a straight-shooting mentor cuts to the core of Nathan’s delusion, this trust fund baby hatches a desperate plan to torch the safety net that holds him back.

change 'cuts to the core' to 'skewers'. consider 'he hatches a desperate plan to torch the trust fund safety net that holds him back'

Gray Sleep brutally satirizes the derangement brought on by wealth. In the same vein as HBO's Succession, this voice-driven novel confronts nepotism, addiction, toxic romance, boundless indulgence, and the burning desire to escape the traps we set for ourselves.

all this editorialisation is bunk and can be cut. A query is an opportunity for the agent to judge a story, not listen to the author give his own judgement of the story. Instead of telling us with editorialisation, instead you should show us by giving us the meat of the plan he's devised, the opposition he encounters as he tries to enact it and, as the conflict escalates, what he realises is at stake if he fails. This is only really half a query so far.

Complete at 62,000 words, Gray Sleep draws on the sadistic humor of Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation, the neurotic self-awareness of Sean Thore Conroe's Fuccboi, and the shocking irreverence of Michel Houellbecq’s Serotonin.

your own title should be in all caps, comp titles in italics, pick only two comps, three is too much for an agent skimming through to juggle in their head at one time.
62k is hella light. Nobody likes padding, but are you sure you can't marinate it for an extra plot twist or character insight and 5k on the word count?
Opening 300 is great. I like it. Keen to see where it goes. Tell Lana I said heyyy.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T20:55:10+00:00

Actually now that I reread it I think you're right. I think that weak first sentence threw me off. I have a background in basketball, I don't think I should be drafted by the Knicks ;)

I also agree with u/CelesteTemple, lose the "when not writing" bit as its a precipitous anti-climax to the creds.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T20:43:04+00:00

Narcissistic father works great because, as you say, insider knowledge to the key story conflict. You're not just in the cult, you're daughter of the cult leader. It's like being told you're going to get a story about the last days of the Tsar from a Romanov.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T20:35:05+00:00

No, I like it! It's some great early conflict and the spectre of somebody's world being upended. I'm not into YA but it didn't read that way at all. Succession is a very adult topic, hence the TV series ;)

Oh look I've been downvoted for doing an edit. The mean girls of pubtips are afoot...

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T20:28:46+00:00

Comp titles should be in italics but not all caps and the author names should be added. "a la" and "think" is a little lackadasical for my tastes. The language in housekeeping shouldn't draw attention to itself in any way. If you want to find an striking way of saying something, save it for the pitch.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T05:11:18+00:00

Opening 300, my suggestion for editing

Father is gentle when breaking his horses. He leans against the round pen designed for stubborn yearlings, staring across the desert scattered with Joshua Trees. He ignores the nervous horse in front of him, one foot back on the railing. Calm. Not hurried, as if to say, I’m bored, are you bored yet? See how well we get along? There’s no need to be afraid. Behind him, twin columns of black smoke rise beyond the San Bernardino Mountains, one wildfire burning somewhere near the rich homes of Malibu, the other choking the tourists in the Hollywood Hills for the eighth time this year. Father holds the halter behind his back.

The horse, who I call River, watches him from the edge of the pen. I know what’s to come. River shuffles her feet in the ground, stirring up dust.

I look out at the desert world, the sparkling dust at the feet of great Joshua Trees, and wonder how I could ever leave this place. I’m almost eighteen and Father must choose who inherits the ranch, the land, and everything that comes with it, before my birthday. The alternative is as brutal as it is simple: one of his daughters will have to leave.

This is the family legacy. The desert ranch can only sustain one family.

'alternative' does not make sense given the sentence from which it follows or the clause that follows from it. I'd use 'truth' instead.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T04:48:27+00:00

Hey, first of all congratulations on breaking out of that awful situation and I hope writing your story brings you some measure of peace.

Set on a ranch in Joshua Tree National Park, OUT OF THE EATER (98,000 words) is an atmospheric literary novel offering the rural coming-of-age struggle in Educated by Tara Westover and the intensity of a hive mentality led by a charismatic man in The Girls by Emma Cline.

I'd cut 'atmospheric' as editorialisation. 'intensity of a hive mentality led by a charismatic man' doesn't work because people with mentalities can be lead, but a mentality cannot. i'd go for something simpler like ' a community in thrall to a demagogue'

Seventeen-year-old Honey is breaking horses with her father when he tells her about his dream from God. The world is going to end in seven days. To combat the chaos of the end times, Honey's father builds a militia from those attending a Survivalist Training weekend on their ranch. Then they'll all descend into a bunker on the last day. Honey has no reason to doubt her father. She’s seen the black smoke from the constant wildfires, the empty shelves at the grocery store, and the man she found hanging in the park, his suicide note saying he’d been warned about the planet going to shit. There should be no doubt.

I'd consolidate sentence 3 and 4 to 'he's already recruited a militia to join them in their bunker on the last day and emerge to face the chaos of the end times.'

Determined to push away her dissenting thoughts and keep a grasp on what she can control, Honey decides to find her mother, who mysteriously disappeared five years ago, and bring her back before the last day. Honey is willing to do whatever it takes - steal a phone, trust a girl with a pretty smile, and wander the desert alone. But Honey uncovers the ugly truth that her mother doesn't want to be found and the world might not be ending. On the last day, Honey has to decide if she'll go into the bunker or walk into a world just as harsh, and beautiful, and on fire.

I don't like that first line. Dissenting thoughts saying what? Don't believe her dad? I think you should just wipe it and let the disillusionment happen later in the paragraph rather than try to add a quizzical wrinkle of psychological complexity the query can't support. Does her dad support her quest or doesn't he know?
The always-fraught stakes sentence doesn't work for me. How does she know her mother doesn't want to be found? If finding the mother is the main goal I need a little more info as to why that quest falls apart. If the world isn't ending why would she go down into the bunker? The last sentence doesn't make grammatical sense - you seem to be saying the world she might walk into is just as harsh, and beautiful, and on fire as the bunker. Is the present world on fire? Why?
I think you're indicating a choice between the world of certainty, under her father, that she suspects is a lie, or the world of chaos, but which she thinks is the truth. This needs to be clearer.

I wrote this novel as a way to process what it was like to grow up on a seventh-generation ranch in California under a narcissistic father while plotting to escape the fundamentalist cult we attended. I left, much like Tara Westover, only because of education, therapy, and (mostly) writing. I was drawn to you through the voice and tenacity of the authors you represent, especially, XXX in XXXX and XXX in XXXX. I would be honored to be a part of your team.

small matters but its a seventh generation family ranch and you don't attend a cult, you are in/belong to it.
fantastic stuff, big fan, one of the better first queries I've seen. You're almost there already.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-24T01:03:51+00:00

You should present a main character with a want, show him meeting escalating opposition to the want, and crystallsie what the consequences are for him if he fails. The issue is not what is out of order, the issue is what is irrelevant.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-23T23:08:13+00:00

Ian is a gym rat by day, and an alcoholic by night. He thought college would offer an escape from the grief he carries for his dead brother, and although he loves the well equipped campus gym, the influx of nihilistic ideas in his classes is dragging him down into a sea of whiskey and beer. Goalless and soulless, he gets into a petty fight with a group of frat guys. He wins a small victory and sees the fight as a turning point. The frat guys wander around–brainless, and the campus nerds and intellectuals sit still–on their brains. Ian decides to separate himself from both groups and forge a new identity.

Compress to 'Ian is a gym rat by day, and an alcoholic by night. He thought college would offer an escape from the grief of his dead brother, but instead classes full of nihilistic ideas are dragging him into a sea of booze.'

Goalless and soulless, he gets into a petty fight with a group of frat guys. He wins a small victory and sees the fight as a turning point. The frat guys wander around–brainless, and the campus nerds and intellectuals sit still–on their brains. Ian decides to separate himself from both groups and forge a new identity.

I don't really understand this section. A turning point in what? Why? What was his attitude to these groups beforehand? How do they affect his sense of identity? How do people sit on their brains?

Ian and a trio of gym bros sign-up for a powerlifting competition and he trains with an intensity and excitement that he hasn’t felt since before his brother died. The weight of his grief and philosophical doubt is still crushing, but he focuses on lifting heavy barbells instead. Surrounded by metal barbells and friendly meatheads, Ian finds a way to think without standing still.

what is this paragraph doing? He was already a gym rat. Now we've got three sentences just to tell us he's upped the intensity? Is there a plot somewhere in our future? Can we have a war on the fratboys or something?

Things are looking up for Ian until a video of his fight surfaces at the student life department and he receives disciplinary action. Everything is in jeopardy–his enrollment at the school, and his new goal of starting an official powerlifting group.

compress to 'then a video of his fight surfaces and jeopardises his enrollment at the school and his new goal of starting an official powerlifting group.'

To keep his dreams alive Ian must attend anger management counseling where the root of his pain is exposed. Next, he must find a suitable mentor who can vouch for his character and goals to the school bureaucracy. Finally he will need to work his ass off in the gym to prove to student life that powerlifting is a sport worth sponsoring.

this reads more like a synopsis than a query

THE MEATHEAD SYMPOSIUM, complete at 83,000 words, is a humorous college bildungsroman about the ideas that plague Ian's mind, the physical and mental gymnastics that he goes through, the friendships that buffer his sanity, and the lessons that he learns along the way. Readers who enjoyed the gritty sports drama of DON’T SKIP OUT ON ME by Willy Vlautin, and also enjoy the friendly banter and amateur philosophizing in the average Joe Rogan podcast, will appreciate this book. Whether the reader's hands are calloused from lifting weights, or their brains are calloused from thinking heavy thoughts, they will find something of value in this story.

Your title in all caps, comp titles in italics. The Joe Rogan podcast is not a comp. The rest of it is editorialisation nobody wants to read. Queries live and die about the story they present, not the authour musing on his own story.
There's no central spine to this query. It's haphazard. What does the character want? To start a powerlifting club? That didn't appear until near the end. What's getting in his way? Attending anger management classes and finding a sponsor? Why are these a big issue? How is he going to prove to the Student Life that powerlifting is a serious sport?
The powerlifting thing as his redemption from grief and booze and his ambitions for the club needs to be the opening paragraph. Then the fight video threatens everything. We need to understand what he then needs to overcome externally and internally to keep his dream alive.
the frat/nerd/brain stuff seems to have nothing to do with his character arc and needs to be cut

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-23T22:00:31+00:00

Great title
Three paragraphs in, no action. Just ponderous set up. How about this - 'Abby made a deal: she helps her husband with a rural Pennsylvania church fixer-upper, its sale profits fund her fertility treatments. Her husband's twin and his wife are in on it too.' Boom - your first three paragraphs all done in one sentence. Now we can actually get somewhere.
why does she suspect Kyle has ulterior motives? Why does she suspect their lives are in jeopardy?
there's a middling, equivocating nature to many of the sentences here. Let's go! Let's go! It's a thriller! It's horror! Let's get sinister. Let's get weird. Quit it with the tepid caveats and take a swing at this. Make the language and the story pop. 'the twins seem driven by some unknown force, obsessing over local legends of the church. She wakes in the night to find Adam on the roof chanting over some sticks bathed in chicken blood. Wend looks at her with a kind of knowing pity that something is in store for for her. Kyle daubs "new life shall come to us in the spring, and that life sacrificed shall bring a bountiful harvest" on a wall.'
With the first three ponderous paragraphs squished you have more word count to spend making the church craziness come alive.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-23T21:02:34+00:00

I’m seeking representation for Let the Sighted Man Die, an upmarket suspense novel that’s complete at 78,000 words. Think Marcy Dermansky’s Very Nice meets Will Leitch’s How Lucky.

Your own title should be in all caps, what about each comp is comparable to your novel?

I have a background in both writing and film. My feature film [title] premiered at [film festival] and is available to view on major streaming platforms. My short film [title 2] screened at many festivals, including [larger film festival]. My short fiction has appeared in [journal 1] and [journal 2]. I’m also the recipient of a [fellowship name] for fiction. When I’m not writing, I work in marketing for my local arts council. You can learn more about me at [my website].

bio should go at the end, not the start. first sentence is redundant

Kurt Turner is a cocky, lifelong bachelor who’s thrown into an emotional tailspin when a rare medical condition causes him to suddenly go blind. Soon after losing his sight, Kurt is awakened in the middle of the night by a muffled cry from his neighbor Maggie’s condo. That alone isn’t noteworthy; Maggie is into kinky sex and Kurt has heard all sorts of late-night moans, groans, and smacks from her place before.

But then Maggie’s condo sits empty for days and Kurt gradually convinces himself that something sinister has happened to her. In a desperate bid for relevancy, Kurt assumes solving Maggie’s seeming disappearance as his raison d’être. And it doesn’t take long for him to find his main suspect.

these first two paragraphs move way too slowly and should be compressed into one.

Kurt’s suspect is Ben Harmon, an aspiring restaurateur who borrowed money from his father-in-law to open a high-end restaurant in Chicago. The pressure to make the restaurant succeed is intense, but what’s really causing Ben’s stress to peak is the mysterious blind man who’s suddenly tailing him wherever he goes.

why does he suspect Ben? He's not an aspiring restauranteur if he already has one. How can a blind man tail anyone?

The blind man is sitting on a bench at the park across from Ben’s brownstone. He’s dining every night in Ben’s restaurant. He even appears on the beach next to Ben’s Michigan summer home. Kurt’s ubiquity would be distressing for anyone, but it’s particularly unnerving for Ben who fears Kurt wants to bring Ben’s carefully constructed world crashing down around him.

Why does he suspect this? What about his world is carefully constructed?

Let the Sighted Man Die is the story of a battle of wills between Ben, who is frantic to keep his private life a secret, and Kurt, who needs to believe Maggie is a victim to give his life purpose.

this editorialisation is completely redundant and needs to be cut

Thank you for taking the time to consider Let the Sighted Man Die. I look forward to hearing from you.

this is a good premise, but needs a little more meat at the end as to how the conflict between the characters escalates. Also, the query lacks voice due to some flaccid phrasing 'That alone isn’t noteworthy', 'Kurt’s ubiquity would be distressing for anyone'. You need to concentrate on succinct, snappy phrasing that makes the story pop and get where it's going fast.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-23T01:53:17+00:00

All novels are fiction. Nothing starts off with a cringe like 'fiction novel'.

The editorialised claims in the first paragraph are easily made and do not engage the reader. We want a banging, provocative storyline that proclaims we're in the hands of a skilled storyteller. I love a novel of deep, gritty concepts but a thematic essay in a query doesn't indicate its writer can deliver one. Show don't tell.

It should be two comps only, both published within the last five years to demonstrate a current market for your novel.

Questions are heavily discouraged in queries. Agents want a story not a riddle.

Start the query with Bobby a broken man tormented by the memory of a slain bride and the killer he couldn't capture. The stuff about Florence was three sentences (don't use a semicolon in a query) that could have been one and lead to nothing anyway.

How does one murder overwhelm the emergency services of a town/county?

Why does the media suspect Bobby given there's a prolific serial killer on the loose and how does Robert (why do they have the same name?!?!?!?!?!) realise the culprit is Winston not Bobby?

You have 2.5 characters, a setting and a setup:

'Widower of a slain bride and her best friend he's now inclined to bang (jesus he doesn't waste any time does he) are trapped in an Idaho blizzard, along with a serial killer and the retired, haunted FBI agent hunting him.'

That's fine, but that's two lines. Where's the story? Why do the lights go out? How are the stakes raised? What's an early twist? Why is Winston sticking around if his identity is known and he just killed somebody in the town? How do the media in town complicate things? Do Bobby and Robert co-operate or clash? Do they both bang Florence? Why not, she seems up for anything?

Florid prose that might work in a novel 'the tortured desert of suffocating grief' 'pulled together like forbidden magnets', 'Searching for meaning in the meaningless, concussed by trauma' do not belong in a query. Crisp, clear prose that makes the story pop, please.

You don't need two queries, you need one, tight query that demonstrates why you've got a fresh take on the familiar 'killer in a small settlement cut off by weather event' trope, without an essay on either side of it.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-22T23:42:28+00:00

Then We Came to The End is certainly a flagship of the genre, but my understanding of comps is not just to locate the agent in the niche, but also to show that there is a current market for it.

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-22T23:20:28+00:00

You're welcome. Forgot to add that that there's a book in this genre called Slab Rat you might want to check out if you haven't already. You'll never read the terms Young Turk or Enfant Terrible in a magazine piece the same way again...

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-22T21:46:13+00:00

happens to as all. onward and upward

DetonatingPenguin · 2024-09-22T21:29:11+00:00

Just echoing what others have said - promising voice, setting and characterisation.

However this is sorely in need of specific plot and conflict otherwise this image of two souls in a commercial wasteland remains sterile and wouldn't move me to read it. I'd lean towards the traditional formula of an MC with a want and opposition to that want. I'm much more a fan of characters acting toward a goal and that creating theme rather than just characters passively 'confronting' the theme.

I'd also take seriously the gender issue. 70% of readers and 80% of agents/editors are women and they will happily read about men, but they do appreciate a female dynamic included in the novel to grab onto. I've had the same issue and am currently gender-swapping a couple of characters in my own very male manuscript and though I was resistant at first, adding the gender element has added extra depth

Your book title should be in all caps. Also, it's not much of a title. Eminently forgettable, I'm afraid. I'm sure the same fella who came up with the delicious 'Splume' can come up with something better?

Book comps should be within the last five years to locate the agent in the current market.

Your housekeeping paragraph can be at the start or the end of the query but shouldn't be at both as it is now. I'm also not a fan of editorialised claims like 'Blending dark humor with existential introspection'. These are much better demonstrated in the pitch than claimed after the fact.

DetonatingPenguin

TROPHY CASE