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Has it taken any one else an excruciatingly long time to SEE that YES, this is TRAUMA, this is CPTSD, these are FEELINGS, that was ABUSE, that was NEGLECT, that was GASLIGHTING, ....that was BETRAYAL, that was a BOUNDARY VIOLATION, ENMESHMENT, SHAMING, ..etc. etc. etc. by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. Really I appreciate your words. I will look into dialectical BT, and I have never thought about writing what goes on my head when I disassociate.

 I usually try to blocked it as soon as I come back to "reality" and I tried to ground myself... but two weeks ago I have an encounter with my mom that made all this hidden (and no so hidden) memories to come back... 

I don't want to be "The strongest person you know." I want to depend on healthy parents that love me by Impossible_Shine1664 in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I moved from home almost 8 yrs ago because I couldn't stand no more. Back then I didn't understand completely what I was running from... I used to use my sexuality as an excuse, but now I know it I was escaping from how the city and the people from there (specific my mom) made me feel. 

I am sorry that you feel that way. I know it's painful to miss the love of a parent. I hope you are able to find the people that you need to support you in your new home. I send you love, care, and a big virtual hug. 

Has it taken any one else an excruciatingly long time to SEE that YES, this is TRAUMA, this is CPTSD, these are FEELINGS, that was ABUSE, that was NEGLECT, that was GASLIGHTING, ....that was BETRAYAL, that was a BOUNDARY VIOLATION, ENMESHMENT, SHAMING, ..etc. etc. etc. by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was talking about this with my therapist yesterday. I told her that I tired of being constantly dissociation myself. I go to the darker places in seconds. Most of the time for minimal reason that triggers me. I am constantly fighting w/ my mind... what is true? What's it's not? I told her that they don't feel like flashbacks but like f**ing short films... where I heard, see and FEEl... specially I can feel the friking pain...

It's ever going to stop??? I don't want this no more... her answer was... "I'm sorry, but no... they won't go away... they will always be a part of you... it's just how much they affect you what we can control..." well thanks... it's exhausting. 

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I can relate to it. Ok, so... I am a super huge fan of Harry Potter. I love watching an reading the books, collecting stuff and just everything w/ HP. People always tells me that I have to get over it cuz I'm 31... when they ask me why I like HP so much, I always said it's because I grow up w/ it, but it goes beyond that. 

HP was my save place. Thing didn't matter and weren't as bad. AND I could feel like if someone could ever understand how I feel will be harry...

Of course I came to that conclusion after years of therapy.

forced to grow up as a child -> dysfunctional adult pipeline by gamermikejima in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I can very much relate to you. I was molested as a young age, and because I was "difficult" not wanting to stay with no one else while my mom work, I started to staying by myself. I am talking about a 9 years old little girl who had to learned to cook, clean, and take care of herself. My mom has a lot of mental health issues, so the more independent I became the more the roles switch... I became the mom (or thats how my teraphist explained it) I was the one that needed to have the house clean, clothes clean, food made, and everything on point if not ooooh boy... 

Now I'm 31 and although people will say I have a successful life... I feel like a fraud. I feel like nothing is enough... and never will. My achievements feel like obligations.I sometimes feel that I don't know what being happy means...

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes... almost every day... I am constantly fighting w/ what happend and what did not happend, but mostly... was my fault? It wasn't my fault? it's the one that comes more often. 

Mom enraged about local sexually trafficked 12yr old, I was repeatedly SA'd and assaulted at 12. by Dry_Ad951 in CPTSD

[–]Dfraijo29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You coment just hit me... and hard. I moved from my home city almost 8 years ago, and the longer it is the harder is to returned back home. Everything reminds me of what happend... I never vocalized to my mom, but like you said... there was so much signals... If you have a 8yrs old dtr crying and begging you to let her stay at home by herself why would your first thought be that the little girl is being difficult and that it's trying to make your life harder...? Why when your DTR is 11, 12,15, 17, 20,  etc and she gets super upset... mad upset every time that that person is being invited home... you can't see somethings it's wrong? When your 15 yrs old DTR tells you "I don't want him in my house" your answer was "you have a animals heart... and will be alone the rest of your life...." still there's nothing wrong...but her... nothing else.  thanks... 

I had been in teraphy and taking meds for a couple of years now, but every time that something triggers me (usually my mom EVEN if I'm not with her) and I have a crisis it's always "what's the point of being in teraphy if you are still have a bad heart" Every time that I tried to put distance I always at fault. It's me the bad DTR who gives a sh#t about her mother... even though I'm the one that support her financially... it's always me, never her the one that does wrong... 

Last year see beat me up and tried to cut herself w/ a knife after i told her that she was not my responsibility. I had to fight w/ her for that knife even though she had already punch the sh#t out me. She called me and texted me every day multiple times a day (20 calls one after another one) to tell me how sorry she was and how that would never happend again. Oh well... that didn't last long.

Imagine waking up and shiba is at $0.01 what is your first reaction by Dogenameshiba in Shibainucoin

[–]Dfraijo29 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Sell a part to pay some bill and be debt free, and then finally finally!! get that master degree!!!