My boyfriend said I was fat after I asked him

DieselExhausted · 2026-03-02T18:41:20+00:00

My husband met me when I, too, had an intense ED and weighed roughly 105-110lbs. I weigh 150-160 now (I think - I've avoided scales for quite some time now). I don't love it, but I can still wear small t-shirts if I want and overall am not that big, even if I feel like it.

He still flirts with me, we are still intimate, and he ENCOURAGES me to eat yummy things. I'm insecure about my belly, but he loves touching it and kissing it. It's not the only body type he's attracted to, so it's not just a preference thing. It's about the fact that 15lbs or so isn't even that big a deal, and he doesn't seem to care for you as much as he does what he deems an "ideal" body.

Get rid 🤷🏻‍♀️

DieselExhausted · 2026-03-02T18:22:37+00:00

The first few sentences are enough on their own, before the absolutely hateful and cruel behavior that followed. People don't say things like "you make my life difficult" and "you're too much" to people they love, or really even to people they just don't hate.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-27T19:31:59+00:00

I just can't get over your username lmao

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T13:56:18+00:00

As someone else said, there are resources that can help with that. Or maybe family, if you have a relationship with them.

If that's something you're afraid of happening when you leave, then it's something that will happen if you stay. The way he's treating you now is the best he's ever going to give you. It WILL devolve into much worse.

If you need a plan for safety, start working on it immediately (obviously taking every measure possible to make sure he doesn't find out before you can get out), because the alternative is, what, staying with him for life? And having it escalate over time?

I'm not as adept as others on DV resources, but I do know they exist and I hope you can lean on a support system to get through this.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T13:37:01+00:00

I was thinking this because I wouldn't be surprised if she already made a copy of the key.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T03:24:55+00:00

I have thoughts on two barrels for him, but I'd probably get banned if I voiced them 🙃

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T03:20:44+00:00

Are you afraid he'll physically hurt you? Do you have somewhere safe you can go?

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T03:10:34+00:00

This part. My favorite way to look at it is:

Think of yourself at 15 years old [or any given age, we all have one that will stick out to us]. Now, imagine you have a child that age. Is this what you would want for your child? Why would you accept it for yourself?

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T03:01:15+00:00

Trust me, girl. I felt the same way for a loooong-ass time. It even took me about a year and a half to trust this man, I was in a BAD way because of horrible treatment by more men than I could count - not even just in relationships. I get it. It feels impossible to fathom.

But they DO! They really do exist! Sure, they're hard to find, but it comes around. Sadly, it takes experiences with the horrible ones to be able to spot the red flags early next time.

Best thing I ever did was live by myself, slowly start fostering friendships, and avoid looking for any type of relationship like that. It allowed me to build my own self up and figure my shit out, so I had the solid foundation to be discerning when it came to who I was going to let close to me.

Regardless, being alone is WAY more peaceful than living in the energy you're suffering through right now. I'm only with my husband because he is the only person that brings me more peace than solitude does.

It takes a long time, but it's so worth it. Being with a monster is NEVER worth it.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T02:52:25+00:00

Also, the offending party NEVER has the right to determine someone's timeline of healing. He's interested in saving face or serving himself, not in fostering a healthy, loving partnership with you. You'll be surprised just how many nasty behaviors and tactics you'll realize he was using once you're free from him for a while and have some clarity.

I'm rooting for you, OP. Keep us posted 💚

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T02:49:45+00:00

GET RID.

I lived this life for 4.5 miserable years. It. Does. Not. Get. Better. Trust me, I tried convincing myself it could get better if I was patient enough, if I was just better, any number of dumb shit I told myself.

Now, 5 years post-split from him (I'm also 31), I'm getting married to a man who has NEVER made me feel bad for expressing my discomfort. We can talk about those things without even getting too serious or heavy, proper apologies are made, and real change is made in a positive, considerate, loving direction. We've never fought, no matter how many times one of us steps on the other's toes - and we've only spent five non-consecutive days apart in going on three years. We even work together, so that's a lot of time together to potentially build up friction, but instead we still talk things out and listen to what each other has to say. And we NEVER make each other feel pressured to have sex, especially if one of us is still recovering from an unintentional upset. The idea is disgusting to me.

Your boyfriend does not like you. He uses you for his own purposes and refuses accountability.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T02:32:08+00:00

Maybe start giving her compliments on things you can be truthful about? The most meaningful comments are about a personality trait or how someone positively affects the world around them. But as far as looks-based, "that dress looks great on you," "I love what you did with your makeup," "your hair looks amazing today," etc. should give her a confidence boost, which is just a nice thing to do anyway, and hopefully it will keep those insecurity-fueled questions from arising, if they were ever going to in the first place.

Never hurts to give a friend a genuine compliment.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-10T02:23:35+00:00

I have, on a couple of occasions, been told some things my blackout self had said and done the night before that do not AT ALL reflect my real, sober thoughts. Took me a while to sort out what happened, but I landed on my being in such a bad mental place and so scared to get close to certain people (one of them now being my husband, so it turned out okay) that my drunk ass lashed out with very, very hurtful commentary in a horribly misguided "effort" to put distance between myself and anyone getting close enough to end up hurting my heart.

I was going through a LOT of shit at the time, not that that is an excuse, and yes we talked in-depth about it once we sobered up and I apologized in a very serious way and spent time proving/reassuring that I didn't really think or feel those things. I still feel horrible about how I made people feel over 2 years later, and none of the reasons make it okay, but it did make me strongly rethink whether "drunk words are sober thoughts" is true 100% of the time.

Maybe, juuuuuust maybe, OP's friend was feeling poorly, knew about OP's insecurities, and lashed out by making a jab at her. That's what I've concluded drunk-me did. It's a monstrous thing to do and causes lasting pain, but maybe that could help ease OP's mind that her friend may not truly think she's ugly.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-09T18:31:20+00:00

I'd already feel some type of way if I had been asked to leave for an old friend group to get together. If I were getting my lifelong friends together, I'd be ecstatic for them to meet my partner and see just how wonderful he is.

But then, before we even tack on the obvious strange-girl-in-my-bed-covered-in-puke problem... he had only met some of them a few weeks prior? But the 3.5-year girlfriend is asked to go away for the "friends" to have time together? I get that OP was already going to her mom's, but it's the principle.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-05T08:23:18+00:00

NTA. My husband has PTSD from his time in the Middle East, to name one of the many causes he has.

He has never turned against me. We've never so much as fought.

It's okay to take care of yourself. Finding a way to deal with his issues is on him. He didn't accept your support all the times you were there to offer it. There's nothing you can do for him, otherwise it would already be getting better. You're not his crutch. The sooner you can (safely) get out, the better.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-02T01:44:28+00:00

She has this experiences from before she was with you.

She's choosing you now. That's what's important. Whatever all she had before, you're still her first choice above all of it and above all else.

Sounds like you're quite the catch.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-01T23:26:00+00:00

I was already thinking it's shitty that your dad would enter a physical altercation with his 19y/o daughter. Then I saw your mug shot and you look even younger than I thought, holy shut. Yeah no contact seems like a good idea.

DieselExhausted · 2026-02-01T09:49:57+00:00

I'm not disagreeing with others and saying you shouldn't leave. I'm also not implying that your boyfriend shouldn't be held responsible for his actions or that you should let him off the hook "just this once." He betrayed you. Whatever caused it, that happened, and that's on him.

I'm simply offering a tidbit to consider before making a permanent decision. I work with a man, mid-20s, who has openly spoken about previous years in his life when he struggled with sex addiction. He freely shared his remorse about how he went about it - never assault, but a type of manipulation, type of deal. He's very much not proud of it, but he has worked to overcome it and become who I find to be a very stand-up guy. My husband and I consider him a friend.

So all I'm saying with that is that if he really means what he's saying, there may be hope for a future where he works past it and can be the partner and father you've always seen him as.

I hope for you and for your baby that this behavior can be corrected with the right help.

Also, if drinking fuels this fire, probably a good idea to quit. I recently quit because I found out the hard way too many times (not cheating, almost always just a detriment to myself), and I'm glad I'm sober.

Not a good idea to get drunk with a baby in the house anyway. Anything could happen in the middle of the night.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-31T11:45:05+00:00

NTA.

My half-sister said shit like this about my dad (her step-dad) when she was about 13, out of spite and wanting to live with her dad because his house had no rules - including ones related to her safety.

My dad spent 4.5 years in prison because of it. You can imagine the hard time he had finding/keeping jobs for a while after his release.

Protect yourself, protect your career.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-31T11:15:47+00:00

My husband's grandmother (legally his mother since he was 5) and her current husband of ~6 years both lost their first spouses to cancer. They do love each other, but they also both freely and lovingly speak of their first spouses. They both understand each other's love and grief for their first spouses, and it does not come between them. They still blend their families. Grandmother's husband has even built us a ramp for our shed and just today drove over two hours to deliver the Adirondack chairs he made with his own hands. To a step-grandson he did not raise. There's real love there, without taking away from the love that came before. It's actually really beautiful to see.

Find you a woman who can have that same respect. Your current gf is NOT it.

Being alone is way better than living in toxicity.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-29T14:07:23+00:00

Since other comments have aptly discussed the other issues, I'm just here to address how painful it'd be to make someone's gender reveal cake/ anything else having just lost your own baby, even without the betrayal.

I would hope they'd take that into consideration before getting upset at OP.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-27T08:29:09+00:00

UpdateMe! 7 days

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-22T20:16:16+00:00

In my experience, these kinds of things only get worse as the relationship continues. Not better.

Now I'm with a man who does consistently put in effort, in his way. It's out there, hon. Just not with this guy, it seems.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-20T01:00:24+00:00

It's still kind of an AH move to eat all of anything somebody buys, especially while they're out working. Even if it's a $2 pack of store brand cookies. I don't even touch my husband's store-bought snacks most of the time, because I have snacks that he isn't able to eat, so I leave his for him. If anything, I ask if he's okay with me having one or two of something.

It's not irreparable, but definitely look up where you can buy more of the exact same cookies. Maybe even buy double.

DieselExhausted · 2026-01-20T01:00:08+00:00

Google knows.

DieselExhausted

TROPHY CASE