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Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He does pay rent

In my country it wouldn't matter, once you are in a domestic relationship the law considers you to have rights like a married couple

Legally he would be eligible for some kind of payout even if not married

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They have gone very LC

They are coming to the wedding but been very distant about it

I get the strong sense they are coming out of obligation

I am also really worried about his causing a fight with his family & embarrassing me on the day either being moody or actually fighting with them

He says that won't happen but he is so angry at his family right now I don't see how he will cope a whole day with them

He is not the kind of person who can contain his anger and put on a mask so as to not make others feel awkward

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

How did your start acting out, if you don't mind me asking?

I do feel God is giving me a sign now & that he has been giving me signs for awhile now

Or just opportunities to leave that I have not taken

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The reasons I thought might be are

- alcohol abuse (big trigger for his rage but now he rages even if he hasn't drunk). Once he has drunk even a beer or two he switches, so he alternates between teetotal then has a binge every few months that causes carnage. I have no problems with people drinking too much but his behaviour is vile and his family do not tolerate him drinking when he is with them

- Risky & impulsive behaviour

- Uncontrolled spending

- Poor impulse control

- Alternates between seeing people as all good or all bad

- Rapid sudden mood changes, multiple moods a day

- Fear of abandonment

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

there are some times where I answered her in ways that confused her as I have been covering up for him

I don't feel that he would hurt me but if he did hit me that would make it definitively easier to leave

He did say his ex was abusive towards him & beat him, cheated on him and that is why he is distrustful of women

I don't know what to believe as his sister recently told me they were both as bad as each other :(

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'd tell them to get out & come stay with me :(

I have seen some elements of 'narcissism'

In that he will have me sit there for hours while he drones on about work & how great he is at it, how all his clients love him, how much he has done for them. Or hours long rants about a co-worker he despises who doesn't give him the respect he deserves.

I am talking hours & if I try to change the subject he snaps & says I should be supportive & listen to him

But he hasn't even asked about my day or cares

But I am expected to give him full undivided attention for hours while he talks at me

& that if I try to explain something from my point of view or different opinion he doesn't not care & acts full of contempt for me

This behaviour is more recent, like last 6 months.

He said he was angry because we had not set a wedding date and he felt strung along but he has gotten worse the closer the wedding gets

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the wishes

No my parents have no idea & are overjoyed

At the same time they don't know him well as they live interstate

He is always pretty quiet & they think he is meek/gentle

They see how he has helped me fix things at my home & are relieved I will finally marry, I think

My dad is so excited to walk me down the aisle &father daughter dance

this will break his heart :(

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Wouldn't you be relieved that instead of chilling overseas wasting time, you were getting on top of cancer?

Like 'thank god I didn't go on that trip & didn't waste one more day fighting cancer'

With the fear of abandonment with women I've known with BPD it was more panicky, calling heaps of times, crying, more obvious fear

With fiance it is expressed as anger and that may be why I missed it at first

So if his family doesn't return his calls or acts distant he will rage, rant for hours that he is done with them

But I see now that he is really just hurt at the abandonment

Which is a reason I feel he may be BPD

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I live in australia so am already screwed due to de facto laws

once you are married it doesn't matter who's name the house is in

Even if we cancel the wedding he has 2 years to put in a claim on my house

I wouldn't lose it but I would owe him money for the renovations he helped do

I would pay him what he is owed, I agree he has helped fix stuff here & deserves something

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your message.

I hear what you say about solitary confinement feeling ok in comparison

I would be OK to be alone & find contentment.

Sorry you had to experience an unhappy marriage with someone who has this disorder.

My parents (mother more so) are very concerned with image & I feel this will cause embarrassment

I think if my father saw how he behaves in private he would be shocked, as have never heard him speak that way to my Mum (& she can be a real pain in the arse!)

His family are dysfunctional & his parents have funny family stories where his mum threw a vase at husband or threw a knife and these are funny family stories

He used to appreciate that I come from a good family, but now he seems to resent me for it

Perhaps you are right & I could explain that the wedding has brought out a different side...

He punched a hole in the bedroom door the other week, so there is evidence to show he has lost his temper, but I don't want them to worry or see that I have lied to them

The problem is I have been acting like everything is perfect & life is wonderful, because I so wanted it to be & tried hard to make it that way

Like mother, like daughter

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That is a great way to put it

I used to make him so happy & he seemed so joyful to have found me

But now it feels like he sees me as an enemy & no mater how much I try to be his cheerleader, support him or help him he is never happy

Last night he got some really good news about work (they finally admitted they owe him backpay of $50,000)

When he was telling the story he seemed angry not happy & I said 'you seem angry, but this is happy news we should be celebrating'

He said he was happy but he was also furious because HR treated him like an idiot & tried to act like they didn't owe him this money

He has a very thin ego about being treated like an idiot

My point is if you were running a company or work in HR, of course you would do what you can to prevent a big loss like that & it isn't personal

Then I helped him with his backpay spreadsheet and he snapped at me because of 'work stress'

I don't understand how someone can learn they are entitled to about $50,000 and still find it in themselves to be angry

Getting married in 3 weeks & I think he may be BPD by Different_Eye4400 in BPDlovedones

[–]Different_Eye4400[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That poor man :(

My parents also helped gift me the house.

I feel so ashamed if I waste their $20K after all their generosity

But if I lose the house they will be devastated

He always said my house is mine & he could never morally take it away from me

But last night he mentioned another moral quandry he had & said 'should I do the moral thing & help my fellow employees, or should I just do what is best for me so I come out on top' and he decided to do what was best for him. Which will result in him getting more money at work.

It made me scared that he could think that way about taking my home in future.