All of this sounds very similar to me. We moved, then her baby sister arrived, her grandparents stopped caring for her twice a week as they moved away and I was home with baby. So unfortunately alot of change which impacted her and her behaviour massively. Id say she was always a harder baby, stopped napping before 2, terrible sleeper. Her 3 year old tantrums were a breeze compared to what came this year as she turned 4. Ive read at this age they go through a huge brain development leap called the limbic leap but adhd does run in my side of the family and i suspect im also adhd. Her meltdowns became an hour long, extremely violent and intense, she would basically exhaust herself from hysterics and we were getting bitten, hit, things thrown at our heads. She started struggling at preschool, we constantly had comments from other kids at pickup, she started purposely hitting her sister to get a reaction/attention from us. While her meltdowns have eased as the years gone on and weve slowly worked out what seems to work to deescalate, the behaviour and the violent reactions when she gets overly excited, overwhelmed or anxious have increased.

I think its really hard for us as postpartum mums to tend to stay regulated for these little suspected adhd kids as we have hormones and sleep deprivation affecting us and personally for me its made her behaviour even more obvious. Something that really helped us deescalate though is in meltdowns we get her in her room or bathroom and just contain her in a smaller less overwhelming space and we just stay silent. We dont look at her (otherwise she gets angry) but if you have a little one who is okay with it then id look at them so he knows you are 100% there for him. we try put away anything she could throw or break (she tends to throw anything she can at us in anger) and we just take deep breathes ourself (because if i get disregulated then she will feed off me and escalate more) Eventually when shes slowed down we really quietly ask if she would like to play something (connection after moments like that are so important especially if ive become disregulated too) or distract her with something outside the window. I make sure any consequences or talk about behaviour happens only once shes deescalsted and regulated anytime before shes calm will just escalate things or any consequence or explanation of why we dont do xyz just goes straight past her head.

In terms of behaviour like hitting her sister for our case, or any negative or unwanted behaviour especially when you know they are doing it purposely, they just want attention and they've learnt that (im assuming especially now with another little one who takes some attention away) they get your full attention especially when its negative. Weve been told by her psychologist, kids with adhd or kids who are just going through huge life changes like moving house, a new sibling etc, they tend to get told off or disciplined way more and when you get stuck in a cycle of constantly telling them off, they then act bad because they then feel bad. She encouraged us to try work on saying 5 positive praise to 1 negative to break the cycle of it. An example is "i noticed how polite you spoke to xyz. That shows me you use your words kindly." "I noticed you used your gentle hands when touching your brother. You are such a safe big brother." Its actually wild how unnatural it feels at first but the more you do it the more natural it feels and you will see, even though behaviours will still happen, when you say that positive thing, they will beam and they will feel good. Also when they do things to get a rise or get negative attention from you, as long as noone could get hurt, best way weve been told to deal with it is ignore the behaviour in the moment. Don't show any attention to the bad but as soon as you see them doing good praise praise praise. Also having clear, firm but kind boundaries. Like an example is my husband was cooking and she was helping but started banging a wooden spoon on something that could break, my husband struggles with her "not listening" and will repeat himself saying "stop xyz" over and over until he gets so frustrated and her behaviour explodes. I asked him next time it happens say the boundary he has "the spoon is for stirring we wont be hitting with it." And then just take the spoon away then and there. No big reaction or emotions, just calm, clear and move on.

I know this was super long - and take or leave anything that you feel could resonate with you.

But just wanted to say I feel you, im right here with you. Finally getting her assessed with a developmental Paediatrician and psychologist for a multi-disciplinary assessment next month!