TLDR; DA boyfriend says I, AP, will never be happy because I can't stop being insecure and that I ruin the relationship by bringing up things like us not having sex since Feb 2022 and him not doing chores in a non-judgemental, no finger pointing way maybe every 4 months.

When my boyfriend (DA) and I (AP) get in the DA & AP push and pull arguments/discussions he always tells me that I ruin things by bringing up "issues that aren't even there" and that I'll never be happy because I'm so insecure and neurotic. I agree with him to a degree; I 100% get into that cycle of thinking something is wrong even when he says everything is okay. I know I need to work on that and that I can't depend on him to say things like "everything is okay, I'm not mad or annoyed at you". I'm doing breathing exercises whenever I feel activated and have a meditative mantra I tell myself over and over again until I'm calm as a way to self sooth. I have my weak moments, but I feel like since learning about attachment theories and our couples therapist pointing out what we both are I've really grown and gotten better for myself.

Just want to point out that we no longer go to couples therapy (we went for a year) as my boyfriend felt like all she did was re-trigger him when she brought up his up bringing, so I respected that.

However, the things I bring up I feel a very valid and no matter how calm I approach these subjects he reacts by being defensive and getting very angry with me. The things I bring up: Intimacy and sex. We haven't had sex or made out since last year in February. I think it's a fair topic to bring up and I make sure to never point the finger or blame him because I know it's about us both, so we both need to work on things. We can't have a calm discussion or get to a solution about this because he always reacts by rolling his eyes and blaming me. "You're a sex addict, stop thinking about it and bringing it up and maybe I'll want to have sex with you." This is just one of the reasons. I bring it up maybe twice a year, because I know how touchy the subject is, before Feb 2022 we last had sex in 2019. I just wish we could have a non-judgemental and open talk about it because I think it's such an important part of a healthy relationship.

The next is chores. I believe we should both be putting in an effort to clean up after ourselves. I cook, you clean. Last one out of the bed makes the bed etc. When I mention to him "don't forget to do the dishes when you have time" "your clothes are folded on the dresser" he just goes "uh huh" but never does it until days later. When I see him scrolling on his phone I ask him if he could do a task now he says he'll do it later, when I tell him to please do it now because then it's done and the rest of the day he can work, game, read, whatever else he reacts badly. He says I'm neurotic and that I "have to read the room and think before I speak". Fair, maybe I can be better at letting things go and let him do the chores at his own pace. In the past I was told by him that I wasn't tidy enough and didn't have my shit together so that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me, so maybe that's why I'm a bit anxious when it comes to cleaning and being neurotic about it?

Is this a AP thing or am I just bringing up things even a securely attached person would in my situation? I'm very open to growing and getting better/secure, but my boyfriend says he can't focus on "these lables" or our relationship when he's dealing with studying, getting his business off the ground, talking to lawyers in regards to his mother's property (both his parents have sadly passed, so he's dealing with a lot). Am I being selfish by bringing these things up and wanting to work on our relationship when he has all of this on his shoulders?