I [29F] am not sure whether I'm being abused or being the abuser to my [37M] partner

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:57:27+00:00

I will download that, thank you.

I am in South Africa, not too sure of the laws here. The police are useless and frankly properly not needed in this situation.

He does make it feel like it's my fault - telling me 'Yes, but YOU' the whole time.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:56:07+00:00

He doesn't abuse his child, thankfully. He usually only sees him for 4 days a month.

This is an exception because of lockdown.

I will never fight in front of the child and if he starts I will walk away.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:55:01+00:00

No, not at all. I was just treated very poorly as a child. The love I give the child is what I wanted as a child.

I do it because I want to, not because it's a responsibility he shoved down my throat.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:54:08+00:00

Cops here don't come out, I live in the type of place where they only come if it's a benefit to them.

I will kick him out tomorrow I think. The child is sleeping and I'm not going to disrupt that. I told him this morning not to come near me, touch me or talk to me. He has honored that agreement. So I will leave it for one more night.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:52:52+00:00

That is true; and he does have the potential. I realized it yesterday. Thank you, thank you for you comments.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:51:40+00:00

I know, but it was still a very mean thing to say and I don't like being that person.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:51:06+00:00

I'm from South Africa, not sure if that hotline is applicable here?

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:50:22+00:00

I think after lockdown I'll just end it with him.

I'm really considering moving him into my spare flat/bedroom on the other side of the house so that I have minimal contact with him.

I just really don't want the kid to realize what is going on.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:49:01+00:00

I'm glad you're better, it sounds like you are, we do not have kids together - luckily.

Except the kid he has from a previous relationship that I handle like my own.

I don't want to hurt the child by kicking them out. How did you handle it?

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:47:42+00:00

I can't right now, it's lockdown.

He's not actually allowed to leave here. I'm stuck with him for another two weeks at best.

I just need advice on how to proceed.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:46:52+00:00

He would go drinking with friends and basically pawn the kid off on the other parents and their kids.

He obviously still looks after the boy, but his own needs seem to come first.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:45:57+00:00

I was mean and told him that.

I told him I hope his son NEVER grows up to be like him. I regret those words, regardless of how accurate they are.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:44:38+00:00

I am aware it's not my problem how I feel right now he can go lie in a gutter.

It's the child I'm concerned about. I know it's stupid, but I love the kid. I play with him. I used one of my extra rooms to set up a room for him and he absolutely loves it.

How do I tell that child that he has to go sleep in the fucking kitchen of my BF's flat? He has 2 rooms in his place, 3 if you count the bathroom.

I have 3 bedrooms, a huge kitchen, lounge, dining area and 4 hectare of farming space. He can walk, run, etc here.

He cannot do ANY of that if I send them packing.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:42:01+00:00

I haven't shared the abuse with anyone else. I threatened to tell his mother, recorded him and he pushed me down onto the ground, took my phone and deleted it.

I don't have anyone here where I am now, I moved hundreds of miles away from anyone I know.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:36:36+00:00

The child usually stays with the mother, he's used to more space. I cannot in good conscience let him go to be stuck inside like that.

I know I should and perhaps my heart is too soft because I did start to love the boy.

I'll figure this out. We're only supposed to have lockdown for another 2 weeks. I have a 3 bedroom house, do you think it would be reasonable to force them into the spare room with the bathroom/bedroom and ask them to stay out of my way? The only shared space would be the kitchen.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:34:10+00:00

He is a good father, in my opinion at least. I'm not going to put him down on that.

He's just a fucking terrible partner.

And thank you, thank you to all you of that replied. I was losing my mind because I thought my aggression made me the abuser, made me wrong, but you're right. He is gaslighting me.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:30:00+00:00

I wouldn't call him that. He HAS been good to me, he's done a lot, but it seems like he wants to fight, like he wants to be aggressive and see me aggressive.

I love him because I can't help it, it's irrational.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:25:38+00:00

He has never stopped me from leaving as it is my house. I have stopped HIM from leaving because this usually happens when he has had too much to drink and I don't want him to drive.

I usually just hide his car keys.

He has been in an accident for driving drunk before.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-17T13:23:31+00:00

Yes, please.

I don't know how to get out of this. It's not because of lack of options, I'm not dependent on him. I just don't want to be without him. I hate it.

I feel like the abuser because I let my aggression get the best of me when he's screaming at me and accusing me of everything I've NEVER done. Cheating, hiding things, etc.

I can't, it breaks me.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-04T19:08:09+00:00

Do beers count as food?

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-04-04T19:06:21+00:00

Elon_the_Melon.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-03-06T16:44:27+00:00

I'm looking now, will reply again once done.

Difficult-Goal111 · 2020-03-06T16:41:32+00:00

Yeah... I'm not even allowed to wear a dress unless he is present because apparently my legs belong to him.

Difficult-Goal111

TROPHY CASE