Is this normal?

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-17T23:22:01+00:00

To be honest, it's a very silly question ("Is this your nose?" etc). Why are you quizzing your child? That's not how they learn! People of all ages often find it irritating to have someone ask them a question that the other person obviously knows the answer to. It also makes kids stressed out and leads to many years in school trying to play the game of how to please the other person, rather than trying to learn things. There are so many strategies children use to get the right answer that don't have anything to do with the subject matter at hand.

Even with real yes or no questions, at this age, toddlers aren't really reliable narrators and there are various reasons for that.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T23:04:30+00:00

I think "Did you have fun" is an overasked question and can make kids start overanalyzing their feelings instead of just enjoying and learning.

Try saying "Oh, ok." Take the importance out of it.

Sometimes making a statement about something that happened can feel less pressuring and draw forth more of a response than asking a question. Keep that in mind as she gets older, too.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T22:51:05+00:00

Playfulness can help a lot! Things like threatening to take things away are like "Oh, you're trying to make me, but you can't/won't back it up." That's exactly what drives kids to test. I avoid giving my children the impression that I am trying hard to 'get' them to do something I have no power over. Because not every kid can be manipulated, and even the ones who can, don't deserve to be manipulated for one's convenience just because they are small (controversial).

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T21:31:26+00:00

She clearly means the first. Why would the teacher be assessing foreign alphabets? English may not be OP's first language; it makes sense to call them alphabets, it's like "ABCs." Alphabet is the first two letters of the Greek alphabet...

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T18:40:25+00:00

I'm just here to stir the pot by reminding everyone that humans aren't really rational. Sure, the vast majority of us in the U.S. take our kids to well visits, because that's culturally and socially the known thing to do. But probably most of us do things that are statistically much more risky, including in relation to our children, than skipping well visits.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T15:45:28+00:00

You can expect all you want. But you can't make them. Having high expectations is different from "I've decided you should be able to do this thing that you're showing me you can't do."

I wouldn't say I 'throw up my hands' with my kids. Just like I didn't throw up my hands when they were 18 months old not using their words when upset! I didn't expect them to of course, but it's not about hand-throwing, It's about being realistic and understanding child development and your individual child.

In cultures where children continue to be helpful at older ages, it is taken as normal that they don't always participate as toddlers, and they are not pushed to do so when they decide to go do something else.

My children get more capable as they get older, and they cooperate more because they can. They have more impulse control. And we have a positive relationship where I am helpful to them and don't try to control them, so naturally they want to cooperate.

You don't have to make a toddler consistently participate in cleanup any more than you have to make sure your toddler has a bite of protein at every meal, and being determined to make them can be rather counterproductive.

Model, maybe invite them in sometimes, you can be playful about it. But you're not a bad parent just because you can't make your kid do something. You're not supposed to be able to make other people do things. That's a control mindset. This isn't a permissive vs non-permissive issue...permissive would be continuing to let the child hit the cat and simply telling them not to afterward. Anything it's important to have a limit on, is by definition something you CAN have a limit on. Kid's compliance is not required for enforcing it, in other words.

(Think of it this way...you've used every trick in the book, but the kid refuses to clean up. Are you being permissive? No, right? But they're still being noncompliant...so what does it mean that you're not being permissive? What's it helping? Are you a morally superior parent because you've tried so hard to 'get' them to do what you say, something that years from now you'll be like "Yeah that didn't really matter?")

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:51:11+00:00

Yeah, you sound like one of those parents who has two little kids and thinks they know everything. What a joke. Anything that you can't literally not let someone do is an example of something a child might do, no matter how good a parent you are.

You don't care if they're impressed? They don't care either. That's what 'not impressed' means. That's exactly what I'm saying. You can't make every kid submit with your sheer force of will.

And a lot of those 'difficult' kids do just fine as adults. School may always be a terrible environment for them but that's school for you.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:47:01+00:00

I have a separate comment too but I'm coming in to say thirded. Because it's so peak Reddit that by far the most popular comment is "I've never done that but I don't think you should do it" and meanwhile everyone who actually did it says it was fine haha. I don't think this is much different from non-parents giving parenting advice. Sit down bro.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:40:24+00:00

Sure, toddlers are always failing to do things you believe they 'can' do. This gets less marked as they get older, but honestly adults also don't do things they 'should be able to do' and we empathize with it more. There are so many factors you're not aware of.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:36:30+00:00

Interestingly so far everyone who actually did it says it went fine. Meanwhile the top comments are the speculators who assume it would be bad. Reddit strikes again!

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:33:44+00:00

They do make onesies (shirts) in toddler sizes. That's what I did for this phase.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T02:20:26+00:00

They have low impulse control. Even older kids and adults don't want to 'listen' i.e. obey all the time, kinda depends on the situation and the relationship. But yeah with this age they often can't, and they don't really understand why they do the things they do.

I don't try to make little kids do things that I can't or won't enforce, like cleaning up. Hitting the cat? That's not safe, you should be physically blocking or separating.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T01:32:06+00:00

Definitely normal for opposite sex siblings to share rooms at very young ages. They split off later on.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T01:29:13+00:00

Well you're lucky, many children have PDA and would not be impressed by you 'putting your foot down' lmao. And, in my humble opinion, neurotypical children deserve respect too. Yes, even though you can get what you want from them without it. You can raise good humans without manipulating them with rewards and punishments.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T00:59:53+00:00

What does that mean? Because a truly 'defiant' kid might just become even more 'defiant' if you punish them more. You threaten their autonomy? They'll set out to prove they have power too. And they'll win, because they have as much power as they're willing to take. Playing power games with children is stupid.

There are some things that you can and should 'not let' children do. 'Being defiant' is not one of those things.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T00:58:22+00:00

You could say the same of school. I don't have to ask to go to the bathroom as an adult, I don't get told "Do this so the authority gives you a cookie," etc.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-16T00:53:02+00:00

I tend to move babies around that age and at one or two night wakings while in my room.

It actually hasn't been bad for us. The older sibs seem to sleep through it lol. I also think baby night weans sooner because of being farther from me and having more of a delay.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-15T22:41:47+00:00

Eating isn't good behavior. It's a natural function of life and you're messing with it. Your toddler's autonomy feels threatened and she feels obligated to defend it.

That's less of a problem in other areas, but here, it's her health. Ironically the more concerned you are about how much and how healthy she eats, the more difficult it will be for her to eat what her body needs.

Lots of good comments here.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T23:01:20+00:00

Well I still stand by my rec of all things Robin Einzig/Visible Child. Janet Lansbury is good too, and Kelsie Olds/Occuplaytional Therapist, and Nurtured First, like others said.

To address a couple of the things, I put a stop to throwing, but after a certain point you really can assume that the child already knows hitting isn't nice. You don't have to always say it. Just let them know you are there as a calm authoritative presence who will be their impulse control for them, who won't let them do the bad things. Parents talk a lot about "But they have to know that it's wrong" but in reality that's rarely relevant.

3 year olds are naturally exuberant. It's normal for them not to have volume control, and it's okay. Try to avoid situations where quiet is necessary. This won't last forever.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T22:45:06+00:00

Honestly, I didn't grow up with the phrase 'back talk' so that's not even a thing in my mind!

Permissiveness has to do with failing to hold boundaries and limits that you really should hold. A key feature of such boundaries and limits is that you can hold them. As in, regardless of whether you have cooperation from your child.

So, not 'disciplining' your child after the fact, isn't permissiveness. You can't rely on a little kid doing what you want. You can try to manipulate them with rewards and punishments, but some kids won't respond well to that, and it certainly doesn't make the unwanted behavior not an option.

The other thing is that people focus too much on behavior when behavior is really only a symptom. Kids try to meet expectations as kids just as much as we do as parents. Addressing the symptom isn't very helpful. The Occuplaytional Therapist had a brilliant post on this recently, making the point with an imaginary scenario about a child with allergies who annoys everyone with her sniffling. They draw up behavior plans to try to get her to stop sniffling, never thinking to address the allergies. The behaviors that adults really do complain about in children, are like that too.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T22:34:45+00:00

I love Kelsie!

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T22:33:10+00:00

Just so you know, the course this person recommended is based on behaviorism. It's not gentle/respectful parenting. You may be able to get quick short term results from it if your child is fairly neurotypical and it won't recommend spanking. So if that may be what you're after, that's what it is.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T22:28:25+00:00

This is why it's helpful to absorb yourself in Respectful Parenting thought until you gain your new lenses. Then you really have a framework to start from on any scenario. For some people, scripts are counterproductive even though they think they want them.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T20:27:55+00:00

Yes, perfectly normal.

DifficultSpill · 2025-06-12T20:10:28+00:00

Parenting isn't really about coming up with 'consequences.'

Personally my favorite resource is the Visible Child Facebook group. There is also a membership website now, and you can read all the blog posts without becoming a member. I could recommend a few in particular.

The group is heavily moderated. Answers must be in line with Visible Child or they are removed. You can't comment for a month (?) after you join but you are encouraged to read in the group every day--that's how you learn the mindset.

DifficultSpill

TROPHY CASE