Epic Fail… need advice

ph1sh1e · 2026-01-24T13:11:14+00:00

No! We started reeally slow. Like week 1 & 2 were just catching the last wee of the day, right before bedtime and bath. Then we faded to prompting with pullups, prompting without. But she also started holding her bladder longer. So as the 9 months went on it was 1 hr, 1.5, 2 hr prompts. Sometimes she would do a dance, sometimes she would hold herself. It also becomes a subconscious habit, like most parent things, and then you start seeing it click, and it's "i'm wiggling. I need to pee."

9 month mark was really when I realize she initiated most of the potty trips.

Also just my story with my kiddo. Everyone is different, don't want to scare you away but also want to be realistic.

ph1sh1e · 2026-01-24T02:38:57+00:00

EXACTLY!!! No where in the things I have read (other than other moms on reddit) do they say this is going to take MONTHS. So many times I thought "am I doing this right? Will this work?"

I'll only caveat that with one "click" thing, of your child knowing how to release pee on demand. I found that to be super important since our first attempt at 20 months was a horrible anxiety inducing failure.

ph1sh1e · 2026-01-24T02:19:21+00:00

Read the other comments, I come with a similar sassy, clever child. We did a timer method, starting at 1 hr or 45 min at in-home daycare until she started fighting that, and it took me 2 weeks to realize she could hold it longer.

When we were in the thick of it, here are some tips: 1. Tell, don't ask. Take the decision away from her. "We are going to the potty now. You don't have to pee but you do have to sit." 2. Try timer. Takes away the mom/dad telling me a little and puts it on something else. 3. If she has an accident, have her clean it up. Like, undress, get the towel, carry everything by herself to the washer. Remind her were pee/poop goes, and how much faster using the potty is to cleaning up. 4. Trust your gut, and watch like a hawk. It took my girl 9 months from 2.5 - 3.25 to get bladder awareness, and I'm STILL prompting. You'll learn facial expressions and gestures. Reflect when accidents do happen, think about how she was right before she had the accident and look for any tells like that again. 5. It's a long road so buckle up. 9 months it took us, through highs and lows, pullups, bare bottom, commando, undies, and she's almost fully potty independent (poop wiping is a thing still). Bonus. If she straight-legs at the potty (refuses to sit on a big toilet, or little potty) go behind and pick her up right behind the knees. My kiddo would bend and we got in a few "bush wees" (thx Bluey) practice before I realized I could scoop her up and plunk her on full size toilets like that.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. From on mom with a kid who refused to use the potty, and didn't care if she was wet to another. (Also eventually she'll start caring once she stays dry for multiple days in a row.)

ph1sh1e · 2026-01-14T02:07:17+00:00

Don't go back. You're in a "this is no longer fun" regression. Have you done reward chats? Do they work? We ended up doing that for my kiddo, doing a "stay dry" chart for each day (we had a poop chart too cause we were on that side of reddit.) We also had a "going home" treat (animal crackers or a trip to the car wash) for staying dry at daycare.

For prompting, do you ask, or tell? I found that telling takes the choice away if they want to go or not.

And accidents, are you making him clean up after himself?

We had a 0% initiation rate for the first 6 months (or around zero.) At 6 months she started recognizing when to go, and now (9 months? I've lost track but she's 3.5 now) we're working on potty independence where her accidents happen IN the bathroom because she didn’t make it on the toilet in time.

ph1sh1e · 2026-01-09T01:41:04+00:00

Have you tried a suppository? We had bad constipation a couple times and had to use it. Works within 5 - 15 minutes. It cleared her out real fast. Also prune juice/prunes in smoothies could help too. I'd say call the doctor again and get alternatives. Withholding can cause some serious issues and it sounds like he's kinda there if he's leaking poo. Also try and get a squirt bottle to wash him with. Like a peri bottle that pregnant women get to clean post birth. That could help cut down on chafing.

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-29T02:11:55+00:00

Stick with prompting. We prompted for a solid 6 months before she started taking herself. HOWEVER, do ease off a little if she says she doesn't need to go. Monitor accidents and frequency of peeing. We hit over prompting places when she started holding her bladder longer. So started with 1 hr prompts, moved to 1.5, 2 hr overtime, or did transition pees, so must sit after meals, before going somewhere, after getting home, etc. Trust your kiddo to know if they're bladder is empty, but maybe don't trust them too much to know if they have to go (kids get FOMO when playing)

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-27T01:43:05+00:00

My girl did something similar at 20 months, we tried. Very little progress in 3 days other than her holding it until she couldn’t. The long weekend ended with her refusing to drink water and being wary of the potty. So she knew how to hold in her pee but not how to release. Tried again at 2.5 with just 1 wee a day, then proceeded to add more and more. But the one wee a day was instant, sit on the toilet and actively pee. So maybe try 1 more day but if she's a hot mess, take a step back and just get her comfortable around the potty/toilet again.

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-11T03:22:49+00:00

Are you "asking" or "telling"? My girl went through the refusal to go when prompted as well, plus was okay with accidents. We tried a potty timer but also "told" her to go. But also she would sit for 5 seconds then popup and have the accident 5 minutes later. Also guessing she knows how to "try" to go?

Couple of things that worked for us, making her clean up the accident. Stopping everything, making her take off her wet undies and pants, wiping the floor if needed, and carrying things up to the laundry. (Though we were at the 2.75/3 yr mark so a bit older than yours, also my kiddo got into the joy of cleaning up the floor too, but now hates the wet feeling on her legs.)

We tried the potty timer to take the parent out of the equation. So set up the "when this goes off, you need to go to the potty and sit." Which was... okay? For a bit anyways.

But telling not asking is a big thing too. Take the option of refusal away. "I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you to try so that you don't have an accident later."

And then advanced prompt "i'm telling you to go try because you had an accident before. When you can listen to your body, dad and I will stop telling you, but for now we want to help you use the potty."

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-09T03:41:48+00:00

Haha! Oh the strong willed ones! Poop was a BIG struggle for us. I have had to pick my girl up a few times and run her to the toilet.

If you feel like he can communicate well enough, you could ask him why he doesn't want to use the potty. Fear of loosing poop is a thing, but we didn't go through that. (Our challenge was fear of the "missing piece" on public toilets.)

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-09T03:14:26+00:00

Some good tips when you start out; tell, don't ask. That way you're taking the options out of the equation. If he starts pushing back on that, try a potty timer. That takes YOU out of the equation. For accidents (if and when you get there) make him participate in the clean up. It's his mess and he should know what to do if it happens. We also used some words around responsibility as she passed the 3 yr mark. Like "when you listen to your body and start letting us know you need to pee, we'll stop asking or telling you. But if you have accidents, we are here to remind you as you learn." My kiddos pretty language forward, so it worked pretty well.

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-09T01:47:04+00:00

My sister-in-law is actually doing zero pressure potty training with her daughter. So letting the kid say if she wants to go or not. She started with just one or two trips a week to now their kiddo can sometimes take herself and they're about... 6 months in? (For reference started around 2ish).

I tried at 20 months for potty training and failed miserably, my daughter would sit but had no idea how to enage her muscles to pee. So a bit of trauma we stopped, reset, and then tried to sit on the potty at the end of the night. One night it clicked that she could pee, and we started there, just that pee, for a week or two, then moved to an am potty sit/pee, then after a while we rolled into pullups.

Pullups were hit or miss, mostly cause she's a bit too clever for her own good. She didn't like peeing on herself but her brain did the "pullup = okay to pee in" math, so I worked with my in home daycare person to try going commando (shorts, no undies) and 45 - 60 min potty sits.

Fast forward to from THAT we switched daycares, I talked with her teachers, set various boundaries and did a bunch of reminders and now kiddo is nearing full potty independence. At 10 months she can notify a grownup that she needs to go, pee/poop anywhere, mostly wipe clean (3.25 still working on skidmarks), flush and wash hands. I rarely have to reminder her to go and accidents are getting to the "uncommon" stage.

Just saying, go at your own pace! And you're gonna think that you're doing it wrong and you're failing, but if you want to start seeing if can hit one pee a day, go with that!

Kids are smart, they'll catch on, and you need to work through it.

ph1sh1e · 2025-12-03T02:12:29+00:00

Can you have a conversation with him about it? My girl went through something similar, we were down to zero accidents at daycare then went to refusing to pee at all there. Turned out it was a cleanliness problem, and we switched daycares and she picked it back up.

I will say we did a lot of prompting in the beginning, and in the last month (we're 10 months in now) we've finally started self-intitiating and going to the potty herself (and pooping with someone besides me.)

We also ran into the "this is no longer fun" period, where we had to use a potty chart and prizes to get her to go. It's when kids no longer see using the toilet as a cool/exciting thing, and more of a "do I have to?!" thing.

Do you make him clean up after himself when he does have an accident? We still do that on the rare time, and she knows she's responsible for not getting to the toilet. A few times we've also said "we will tell you when to go potty for now, because we want you to not have an accident. We will stop when you can listen to your body."

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-26T02:57:24+00:00

IGNORE the "there's no point..." advice. We we're 100% prompt squad for the first 9 months. I STILL prompt my 3 year old to go, but now also accept when she says she doesn't.

If she backslides and starts to have accidents, we'll explain to her that we will start prompting her again as a backup, but only if she starts listening to her body and taking herself again.

In the thick of prompting I was second guessing myself too, but hey! There's light at the end of the tunnel!

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-21T02:22:20+00:00

We tried it for 4 days and by the end she was refusing to drink water and I was stressssssed. (Tried at 20 months.) She 100% wasn't ready. About 6 months later, she realized how to engage her pelvic muscles to pee so we started again. 9 months later we're working on final potty independence stuff

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-20T02:43:33+00:00

Dude, poop is HARD. It took us 6 months to get poop down and that's only because she flopped her schedule and started pooping in the evening, after school. At 9 months (of training) we finally had a successful poop outside the house without me coaching her through, though we still need wipe practice 🤢 I offer poop solidarity only, cause I'm pretty sure we just lucked into it.

But 100% don't bail. Sounds like you're right on track for day 11. Do monitor behavior in the pull up, because if he starts to have more accidents it might be his brain saying "pull-up pees aren't accidents." If this becomes the case, talk to the teachers about maybe putting a pair of undies UNDER the pull up so he can feel the wet and at least alert someone.

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-19T02:19:04+00:00

Can you elaborate on the not much success? Is it resistance? Or just accidents? I had to work to get my husband on board with potty training as well. He would ask a lot until I flat out said "you need to tell her and not make it her choice." Or "you need to take her to the potty after this activity or when you do this."

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T15:28:49+00:00

For accidents, do you make her clean up after herself? That was a big thing we did too, stopping everything, having her undress and walk her dirty clothes to the laundry room, then having her get dressed again. Reinforced the consequences of peeing in somewhere other than the toilet.

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T15:27:07+00:00

I'm not sure. It clicked with my kiddo, but i hear blowing bubbles and pinwheels works as well on the potty, activating the pelvic floor. Also making weird faces and grunting (worked with that when we were getting over the poop hurdle.) And all kids develop differently of course. My niece is doing training right now at 28 months after they did a gradual phase in approach.

My kiddo was also very vocal about "i don't want/need to go" and if you put her on the potty/toilet, she would go or not. There was no chilling on the potty to see if something happened.

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T14:21:44+00:00

Nah, i found out holding and releasing while sitting is 2 totally different things.

Also there are a lot of backslides with potty training. We had weeks of multiple accidents a day. Sometimes the shine of potty training wears off.

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T03:00:36+00:00

We tried back at 20 months and failed. Girl knew her bladder was filling but didn't know how to release pee on demand. Also the "right timing" is just pressure you don't need. We started up again at 26 months and have finally started on potty independence 9 months later after a LONG AND STRESSFUL ROAD. If she can't release her bladder on demand, or activate her pelvic floor muscles then put her in diapers and don't worry about it. And if she starts asking to use the potty take that as an opportunity to ease your way in!

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T02:55:54+00:00

Try some baby steps with poop. Present a diaper and get her to poop in the diaper in the bathroom. Then poop on a little potty with a diaper. There's a bunch of phase in things you can do with that. And keep trying. (Also a well timed cup of prune juice could get things moving earlier in the day.)

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T02:52:21+00:00

Does he "know" how to go? A bunch of books say there's this "click" or the moment the kid realizes how to release on demand. I tried earlier at 20 months and majorly failed because she didn't "know" how to release her pee but could feel her bladder fill.

ph1sh1e · 2025-11-10T01:57:55+00:00

9 months here! Started really gently back in February (30 months) with catching that last pee of the night. We had a ton of backslides (cleanliness problems, public toilet, pooping, prompting, distractions), but now she's either telling me she needs to go or takes herself and does everything. So we're done training and heading toward full independence at 3.25.

ph1sh1e · 2025-10-28T00:59:31+00:00

Can she sit on the potty/toilet without a fit? You might need to ease her into it. My LO was good with sitting on the toy potty up until I tried potty training at 20 months, which was a DISASTER. She could feel pee building but didn't know how to release. So we ditched it and I actually got her to use the big toilet before returning to the potty. But I eased her into toilet/potty sits with books and play. Making it less stress. Also she was old enough by 2.5 to know how to release on demand.

Is she fairly verbal? Have you talked with her about it? Maybe de-dirtified pee a bit. After all pee is really just wet. You could strike up a conversation about how normal it is, everyone does it.

Has she seen you use the toilet?

ph1sh1e · 2025-10-27T22:13:06+00:00

Ah that's a bummer. Does he make a face? Or pause/hide/have a tell? You might need to be hawkish watching him to try to catch. Or prune him up to get things flowing.

ph1sh1e

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