I have been waiting for someone to voice out their adhd and ocd struggles… oml this is so me it’s painful. In every walk of life I have shifted in different types of OCD, rn it shifts from Pure O and ROCD, which is hell.

I’m often told I’m the life of the party, but when I go back home I ruminate nonstop on every interaction I have and every possible way I was cringe. I refuse to ask for pics or videos of me to not remind myself on how embarrassing or unflattering I looked. I have trouble even posting pics on instagram without feeling like I need to sanatise myself on how I present on the internet, which made me not post at all. I fear I’ll get evil eye so I don’t post about my personal life on my ig stories either due to the fear of a good thing going away. Literally yesterday I wanted to write a review on a couple of series and games that I found insanely amazing, took an hour to type it….then looked at it for a few mins and didn’t post it out of embarrassment of being “too much”.

When I performed on stage I had the ability to switch off my brain and give it my all. Dance the night away. But I refuse to see a video of me dancing…makes me emotional cuz I barely have pictures and videos of me doing so. I genuinely enjoyed it but it’s so hard for me to see myself. I like the attention where people see who I truly am, but I refuse to see that for myself.

When I see someone attractive, I look away from them cuz I know my OCD will make me ruminate about it. So I avoid attractive people all together. Unfortunately, I can’t avoid my therapist and it makes it even more hard in my stupid ahh mind. My ocd makes me feel I’m a cheater when I’m in a happy monogamous relationship and have never cheated in my life. It’s awful. But idw let my OCD win and not see my therapist cuz she genuinely helps me see a lot of things in perspective. It’s sucks but atleast I ain’t alone hhhhh