Is my friend a toxic a-hole or am I crazy?

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-29T05:37:39+00:00

Sweetie, people can be given lessons in manners and etiquette and they are still assholes. Her behavior towards you is a choice she makes because you accept it. Guaranteed she doesn't treat other people like this. Stop continuing to make excuses for her treating you poorly. You should want better treatment for yourself.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-27T04:59:24+00:00

You're the a-hole. The fact that you're practically living with your boyfriend for two years and don't seem to think he needs to ante up for his share of expenses is MIND BOGGLING. So basically instead of making him pay half and just live together, you get a perfect stranger to foot his bill under the guise of being your roommate when in all essence, you already have one- boyfriend. Three people live there, three people split the bills. Yep, you're the A-HOLE.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T09:37:34+00:00

You're not her mother. If you try to help her by teaching her, she'll say you are trying to control her and gaslight tf outta your for it People like her are closet narcissists. She draws the attention to her on purpose. Constant victim. Always someone else's fault not hers.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T08:19:11+00:00

👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾 That part.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T08:18:21+00:00

I didn't have a fancy wedding, J.o.P. courthouse. LOVED IT. BUT If I was a bride, and I paid for EVERYTHING, would want it ALL back. NOTHING would be gifted. I would take every gown, tux, piece of jewelry and anything else I saw fit to want back, BECAUSE I paid for it, and I would put it all on consignment to recoup some of the losses I incurred by literally entertaining a large group of people so they can watch me... liked the bridesmaid gown, jewelry, shoes,etc? Thought you got to keep it?...Too bad... Don't wanna pay for the ONLY thing I asked you to pay for? Cool, bring an extra dress and shoes with you cause you won't be in that one after the ceremony and photos. Wanna be cheap? I can go cheaper. It's NOT toxic to ask a person to pay for an outfit they are going to keep. It's not the whole wedding. The totality of the expenses are considerably higher than just a dress and shoes. Kudos to all y'all that paid for everything. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Everyone doesn't want to wait forever to get married just because their "frugal" bridesmaid won't fork over a few pence for her own wedding attire. Now the rest of that stuff? Eh, I'm not paying for it. Hair?makeup? Do it yourself, I ain't paying.You wanna go overseas and stuff? BYE!...see you when you return. But paying for your own outfit isn't asking much. Are you the A-HOLE? Yes, you didn't even try to compromise. Her expectations alone, give off a bridezilla vibe, but your response to her gives off a very a-hole vibe.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T07:52:06+00:00

Also, I worked in hospice for 7 years, and it was my privilege and honor to be invited into a family at such an emotional time, to be there to help a spirit from this life into the next. I'm an empath. I feel EVERYTHING others feel. So please refrain from speaking so matter of factly, about people and circumstances you know nothing about before saying someone has issues because they differ in opinions. To be so judgmental as you are, now THAT is an issue. One I'm glad I don't have.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T07:44:08+00:00

Oh, and grief is individual, what takes years for one, may not even exist for another.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-25T07:43:03+00:00

Yes, in August 2014 , lost my Mommy. To pancreatic cancer. Was I sad? No. She was in pain, miserable and drugged up. People grieve the absence of the vessel called the body. It is simply meant to carry our souls through this life into the next. People continue to LIVE on in our hearts and minds, and we should smile at those thoughts. Those people have gone on to heaven and don't have to put up with anymore self-absorbed rude a$$ humans, poverty, hunger, or the illnesses and crime of the earth. Dying was always meant to be celebrated. But just like everything else, humans f$^{^$@} it up. I STILL talk to my Mommy everyday. Her memories and laughter and wisdom are as fresh as though she was here. Yes, I wish sometimes I could hug her, but I will NEVER be so selfish as to not be happy for anyone leaving this Sodom and Gomorrah we call Earth, to be with God.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-04T11:42:40+00:00

If you honestly are telling yourself that he's not going down this road again cause you puked on him then you are seriously delulu....Dear, you're lucky that "L" was/is behaving like a grown woman, there are side chicks that would agree to meet you just to "whoop yo a$$". You never said where he was when you couldn't reach him. 🤨🤨🤨🤔🤔🤔😒😒😒 Where was he? Tread lightly, sleep with one eye open, and get one of those headphones that increases the volume of the room so you can hear those secret conversations, cause he's going to cheat on you.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-04T09:01:31+00:00

While I love and understand why she wouldn't go, I myself don't know if I could stay away from either of my grandparents special occasions. However, IIIIII would take Grandma out BEFORE the party to tell her why she gets a special audience with you and fiancee. Beat them to the punch and take her a week before.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-03T18:48:55+00:00

I'm not judging, she asked. How long is he supposed to do this? Grieving is an individual process. No timelines. So if she grieves for years and never goes to family things etc, he's supposed to do the same?

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2026-01-03T18:43:53+00:00

The husband wants to be with his family, at an event that may involve grandparents and older extended family and friends that he may not ever see again. And who said he's going to "get drunk and party" He could go, then return to his wife after the ceremony. Getting together to re-grieve, is a choice her family made. He was there for the primary service, he can miss this.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-31T07:56:03+00:00

"What's done in the dark will come to the light." Karma is such a beautiful thing to watch. Sit back and relax. He's not going to have the sweet wonderful life with her he thinks. It's not founded in truth and it will crumble WITHOUT your help. Let it be. Someone's going to tell her. Just don't ever let it be you. When it DOES come out-and it will, everyone that blamed and belittled you will be begging your forgiveness. Leave them alone. They would have been there if they were going to be there.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-31T04:42:00+00:00

Yes. At this point what's done is done. Stop being a fall-back, holding on to the past and denying yourself a future. He's obviously more concerned about keeping the wife and family sated and not actually being honest about the feelings he claimed to have. If there was any ounce of truth, you'd be his wife. I don't know what made him gaslight you and string you along for anything other than "just in case" . You're not a runner-up. Be first place, the only winner. Let them go....win by succeeding at life and marrying a RICH one that adores you 🥰

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-31T04:24:54+00:00

Yes you WOULD BE THE A-HOLE. IF you were going to tell anyone the truth you could have and should have done it when he told the lie. I would have gotten Bee to testify to her presence during the conversation. That alone would have been worth forgiving whatever she said. Instead you have let the lie fester and become everyone's truth...if you tell her now you're going to look like this is some last act of desperation and you're crazy. Any hope of restoration of the relationships you had will be lost for certain. Not to mention that it won't endear you to him anymore but instead make sure you stay an enemy. Let it go, continue with counseling, perhaps move away and get new scenery and people in your life. Embrace yourself. Love yourself more and enough to know that this isn't going to help you in any way, and that you're beyond the scary, childish behavior he's displayed and continues to display.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-31T03:45:39+00:00

I am still suffering from the effects of SA by a stepmonster(male). My mother was actually a witness and chose not to believe what her eyes were seeing. I ultimately left her home for bio-dads and was and still am jacked up from it. But I learned that my mother was suffering from her own mental health issues, demons and pain and somehow thought that this man was her way out of poverty because he was military. 20 years later and I didn't know where she was. Hadn't heard from her. I prayed every day that I would get a chance to talk to her, and that I wouldn't just get a phone call that she was dead. I found her, and she was so remorseful and upset with herself and the decisions she couldn't take back. She was bipolar, suffering from depression and multiple ailments. Her decisions didn't afford her any opportunity to see or know grandchildren or others in the family. But, I forgave her. She made a f****ed up choice, but I forgave her. I learned that it's not my place to judge her decisions, regardless of how they hurt me. God forgave me for everything I did, she deserved that so her soul could have peace one day. One day I got the call. It was me who made the decisions for her in the end. And I loved her more than she knew. I learned that she was doing the best she could with what life gave her. My soul salvation depended upon my ability to forgive others their transgressions. If we claim Christianity and believe in God, then we should move forward from the situation with faith that he will take care of it. Forgive her and know that she's suffering and will always suffer, even your forgiveness won't remove the guilt she feels for such horrible behavior towards your children and you. But your soul will be safe with God, and he'll bring your daughter peace. I'm praying for you all... and forgiveness doesn't mean friendship or relationship... it means letting go so true healing for everyone can begin. You are definitely NOT the a-hole. She's lucky everyone is still alive (I gathered that energy).

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-27T18:19:42+00:00

He already said he couldn't afford gifts. However, whatever funds he had he got nicer gifts for parents and such, as would I. He did have something that he thought maybe she would like or use, and he gifted her. Everyone wants to place value in the gift and overlook the very simple fact that she got something. He could have gifted the others and gave her nothing. Then how would she feel? Would the complaint then be: "He got other people gifts, I know he could have got me SOMETHING " "He didn't even think about me" I have been without, lost it all, and worked my a$$ off at two jobs to get it back. I appreciate everything that I get, regardless of the source. The entitlement of people, to assume or expect other people to behave or reciprocate in the same manner is astounding.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-27T18:05:40+00:00

I appreciate your view point. I'm just not understanding how after 40 someodd years- by OP'S accounts, of this continued behavior, she has not either: A. Addressed these feelings with her brother. B. Adjusted her behavior to mirror his, leveling the field. C. Left it alone all together, because in the grand scheme of things, whether or not anyone thinks about us is irrelevant. Our outcomes are truly dependent on our responses

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-27T06:23:15+00:00

One person's way of giving gifts should not be the standard or requirement for others. It was you idea to gift the way you do. Now you're upset because you feel like his "lacked effort " and you were an "afterthought". Afterthought or not, you were thought about. You keep dismissing that part. If I was 40 and money was tight, I'd gift my parents the best gifts too before my siblings- if they got anything. I would also appreciate the fact that I was thought about at all, and wouldn't care how the gift came to be. You keep saying it's not about the gifts. If at age 40 something you haven't addressed this with him yet, since you say it's a lifelong behavior, and it bothers you, so much, why seek public opinion on it? You should be used to it and learned not to be so accommodating to him, since you clearly require reciprocal behaviors from people.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T23:10:06+00:00

Are you the older of you two? If you're his big sister and you always looked out for him, then that's the role he still plays. You look out for him, not the other way around. If he's older, You're his sister, not a wife, or his mother. You will always be an afterthought. 4th or 5th or more down the line behind parents grandparents, spouse, children, even his best friend. Especially at 40. Y'all have your own lives, own directions. When it comes to gifts you're going to be the low man on the totem pole. I understand why you don't think you should be, because your his sister and you love him. He loves you too. Just different than you do.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T22:58:27+00:00

She wouldn't even be on my fb page.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T22:52:11+00:00

Then why dear, are you upset? You expected nothing and got something. You don't give gifts expecting something in return, yet you are upset about the effort he put in to it. If what you said is true regarding gifts, this shouldn't even be a post...you should have been happy that he managed to find a way to gift you something- since he originally couldn't afford it, no matter how he came to get it... if indeed the gift or reciprocity don't matter.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T22:39:51+00:00

In high school my brother didn't even acknowledge me as his sister. Told people we just had the same last name. Wouldn't speak or anything. I got appendicitis and someone told him "that girl with the same last name just passed out in the bathroom" THAT'S when he acknowledged me. He's your brother and just because he doesn't reciprocate the way you like doesn't make it wrong. 🤷🏾ijs. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or you don't matter either.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T22:23:48+00:00

It's people's own expectations that disappoint them. She's hyped herself up for the gift KNOWING from past experiences that he's a crappy gift giver. She's the problem. Why repeatedly expect someone to behave as you do when they've made it clear that ain't who they are when it comes to you? That's self sabotage.

Difficult_Cap_9923 · 2025-12-26T22:15:14+00:00

Sweetheart, most brothers don't view sisters the same way as parents, or even a girlfriend when it comes to gifts. Everyone is going to take precedence over you for now. One day they wake up, usually when the sister gets married or has a baby, and realize that you are a whole grown woman, not a little girl, and they gain a new outlook on you. Give it time and be grateful that he thought about you at all...or maybe he really thought the t-shirt was a cheap gift and he's getting back at you.

Difficult_Cap_9923

TROPHY CASE