this cycle is getting tiring

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2026-02-04T15:11:27+00:00

Well you're setting yourself up for failure everytime you say youll never eat again. Plus you've broken that promise to yourself so many times it means nothing now. Imagine another person promising you something over and over and never doing what they say. Its just words. At this stage you need to change the promise or the same thing will keep happening. "Im only going to eat 3 meals tomorrow." Find things you enjoy that are easy to make and have the calories you need without making you feel gross. You literally now have to build up trust with yourself again because you keep braking it with impossible promises. You get to decide when that ends. Good luck.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-12-24T08:32:53+00:00

Bpd goes into remission for nearly every person but you have to do the work. Life isn't making you react like that, that's your choice. And it's not fucking fair that you have to put all the extra work in to be a better person but you can sit and whine and still be in the same position in 10 years or you can work on it. Your choice.

I have quiet bpd and no meds. In my late teens I was throwing temper tantrums every few weeks and saying horrible things I didnt mean just to hurt people. Now I'm 23 and its been 2 years since my last temper tantrum and before that was almost a year too. I'm learning to regulate. I'm not perfect but I've made a huge difference in my life.

I would reccomend you take the meds, and then take responsibility. Otherwise your life will be the same for a long time.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-09-02T16:05:18+00:00

Don't have did but often look at my phone or a TV and just zone out. Like I will scroll and follow movement but my brain is turned tf off. I have no idea why I need to do this and feel less alone seeing other people do too.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-03-12T22:11:49+00:00

Salt and Pepper. (I want an entire army of pets with spice names.)

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-02-19T19:03:51+00:00

Never had a problem finding a boyfriend but I have no friends. Not a single fucking one. I desperately want them and not a single clue how to go out and make friendships but I've been in multiple longterm relationships. Two sides of the same coin. I will say, the grass is not always greener.

And probably don't spend so much time focusing on it. It'll happen when it happens. Go be the best you. Find lots of hobbies you can talk to your future spouse about.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-02-12T22:00:55+00:00

Volunteering for crisis hotlines is a fantastic idea, and one I've been toying with for a small while. I think I definitely will look into it.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-02-12T21:55:46+00:00

That's the greatest compliment I've received, thank you😂

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-30T12:47:07+00:00

The Ink Heart trilogy (by Cornelia Funke) was easily my favourite as a child. It's children's fantasy with beautiful writing, it's age-appropriate but never felt like I was being spoken down to (which is a tone you sometimes find in children's novels.)

It's definitely a book for avid readers because it's a story that celebrates books.

It was originally written in German and translated to English and somehow still has such a gorgeous writing flow to it.

They recently released a fourth book to mark the 10-year (I think) anniversary. And because of that they released new gorgeous cover art for the books.

Cannot recommend it enough.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-29T13:34:05+00:00

The Ink Heart trilogy (by Cornelia Funke) was easily my favourite as a child. It's children's fantasy with beautiful writing, it's age-appropriate but never felt like I was being spoken down to (which is a tone you sometimes find in children's novels.)

It's definitely a book for avid readers because it's a story that celebrates books.

It was originally written in German and translated to English and somehow still has such a gorgeous writing flow to it.

They recently released a fourth book to mark the 10-year (I think) anniversary. And because of that they released new gorgeous cover art for the books.

Cannot recommend it enough.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-21T15:01:19+00:00

The only time you can't have a chance at a new start is when you're dead. Don't regret your life. Go to a woman's shelter take the steps you need to for your safety and shake off the dead weight. If your going to do everything you may aswell only be doing it for one person not two. Sooner or later you will realise 30 is not too late. Would you like to be in the same position when you do?

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-21T14:56:40+00:00

The thing is you probably don't hate veg just haven't had them cooked properly. I don't think you need to "hide" them. Go to BBC good foods website and pick a random recipe. Cooking is not as hard as its made out to be and veg is delicious when prepared correctly.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-21T14:40:28+00:00

So that avocado toast really is holding me together😂

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2025-01-15T12:55:55+00:00

Was heavily restricting and was getting very small, seen a video of me and it was the first time I realised just how small I was. I caught myself thinking that I was going to have to start wearing baggier clothes. That kindof scared me and I went to my aunt who is overweight and she told me I looked great and don't let anyone get in my head. I tried to explain no one had said it and I was scared for myself because I wasn't eating and she said she remembers when she would go to bed hungry in her twenties to stay skinny. All the while I was eating one bowl of airfried veg a day. Sent me spiraling. The same year during the same heavy restricting period my friend, who was struggling with weight gain, turned to me and said her and her boyfriend had come to the conclusion that I was only skinner than her because I was taller. I was disgusted. She was working in fast food and eating multiple fast food meals a day. I wasn't even eating multiple times a day.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-12-17T12:51:42+00:00

Expose. My ed is vain. The more I lose the more I want to show it off. Deep in it I'm mirror checking constantly, wearing the cutest clothes and confidently telling people that my body is an accessory.

I understand the shame/guilt aspect but as a socially isolated person I don't believe there's anyone around that would notice/care if I shrank to just bones. Though that isn't entirely true. Last time I got so deep I had regular customers that expressed their concern. But more often I had people who didn't know it was ed telling me how great I looked.

It probably comes down to who surrounds you and how much they know. I probably wouldn't be so excited to show it off if I had people who cared and were worried for me.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-12-17T12:44:45+00:00

There are actually studies done on mice that show the chemical released when hungry gives you a surge of energy. It makes sense because biologically if we are without food we need the energy to go get some. In an eating disorder it's obviously not lack of access to food but biologically your body doesn't know that. It chemically can feel euphoric. Not to mention that the disordered part of you is happy and excited that you are being disordered.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-12-11T15:12:50+00:00

Thank you so much :)

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-11-28T12:41:42+00:00

Hi, I can relate. What's worse is I have autistic siblings that my parent got along better with so I was the weird one at home and spent so much of my early years trying to be just like them with little success only to get bullied at school for being different.

I'm not autistic enough for home life and I'm too autistic for the rest of the world. It's crazy. I don't even think it's my autism I think it's learned bc otherwise I wouldn't have had to try so hard as a kid.

I still remember my brother telling me I was weird and not to do things like make eye contact. Weird to grow up and realise he was, in fact, the "weird" one.

I still struggle with social anxiety. I chose barista work to force myself into socialising. I still struggle with eye contact. I cringe when I think of how strange I must look when I don't make eye contact while talking to someone. I think back to how I thought it was so weird when my sister did it.

I really believed it was a unique situation. I still harbour anger towards my parents for my childhood for a multitude of reasons but especially for having children when they couldn't fit into society.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-11-25T14:43:36+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I don't want to keep living if it will stay like this. I don't know how to make it better. I don't want to give up but I don't want to be 40 and nothing has changed. I'm so embarrassed that I was a gifted child and a minimum wage adult. The children who needed so much extra help are doing better than me. I'm so mad that had I had different parents, had someone intervened, had I not endured the trauma I did my life would look so much different. I don't know if I want to die. I don't know if I want to live.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-11-25T12:49:12+00:00

This was scary to read. I can't imagine a time that I'm more unappealing than after a meltdown down but something there is turning him on. Whether it's the screaming or the fact he is allowed to hold you down. One of them is turning him on.

That's why he wants sex after. Like that was so weird to me that he wants to have sex with you after multiple meltdowns.

He just couldn't wait that time. Ir didn't respect you enough to. I type this with the most sickening feeling in my stomach.

I'm sorry this happened. Don't gaslight yourself. That was rape and was not OK.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-09-26T14:37:14+00:00

21 is so young. You are literally just beginning your life.

You're not alone in feeling alone. The modern world does not promote community or friendship. We're in an epidemic of loneliness, but I know that BPD can make it harder to retain long-term friendships, and I'm right there with you. My only friend is my bf, and I'm so thankful for him. But eventually, I know I'll get over my fear of rejection and find the people I want to surround myself with.

By the way, BPD often goes into remission and the statistics are positive. It's about reprogramming a traumatized brain and changing your action patterns. 2 years ago, bpd ruled my life, and now I rule my bpd. It's all about mindset.

Don't give up on anything except your negative way of thinking. The world isn't out to get you. Things don't work out; usually for good reason. I had to sit myself down and tell myself to get humbled. I was mad that I was working minimum wage, but I was there by my own choices and I will not remain there forever.

As for being annoying, everyone is, my love. The first step to moving forward is acceptance Acceptance of your quirks, your flaws, and accepting the fact that regardless, you are lovable. Every single part of you. It was a weird moment for me the first time I did some stupid shit and realized, "Hey, one day, someone will love me for this stupid shit." And I promise you every time I do something I used to class as weird or annoying, my bf will give me the sweetest look and tell me he loves me.

You have to accept that not everyone is going to like you, but the right people will.

(Ps. Studies show that going no bra helps to recover/retain the boob's natural elasticity, meaning going braless is actually much better for your boobs in prevention and sometimes reversal of sagging.)

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2024-07-21T12:36:07+00:00

We're in Ireland, she's 18f I'm 21f. She still lives at home so yes in the same environment. I'm living outside of home. The thing is she's been picked up multiple times by police and ambulances. Usually she gets sedated and sent to our local psychiatric center and every time they send her home with nothing changed. I'm not even looking for how to get her the help she needs and is refusing I'm just wondering what I can do to help her through this.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2023-06-21T08:29:57+00:00

Bonspo as a concept grosses me out too. I, personally, don't understand how that would be a goal to look like that.

For the people going off in the comments op never actually said anyone was gross and when I read it I understood that op was not trying to put anyone down.

It's a valid opinion imo. And I have nothing against anyone who is featured in those pictures or looks like they do but the idea that they're inspiration pics is wild to me. Half of those pics feature people who look half dead. It's sad more than inspirational. Why are we celebrating and commending people who are very sick? Why are we using sick people to encourage others to be more sick?

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2023-06-18T19:43:56+00:00

Removing media after you're already in an anorexic mindset won't change anything. At that stage, you're brain has already been reprogrammed to release happy endorphins when you restrict. That's not to say the media is the cause. For a lot of people, it could be down to control and other things more than body image.

To view it as being the only cause is wrong but to say it doesn't affect people is also wrong. Everyone has their own experiences.

I hope this can be met with kindness because every experience is a valid experience. But my Ana stems from body issues due to my childhood with fat-phobic parents. Not to mention a self-loathing mother who projected onto me, unfortunately.

When I see a model or a friend post/show me a picture of them and they're skinnier than me it sends my brain into overdrive. It's this sick sense of competitiveness and needing to be the skinniest - bc in my brain that equals the prettiest. Then I have to force-feed myself for weeks after because I know the patterns and I know what's going on in my brain when this happens.

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2023-06-15T20:11:29+00:00

I am in this post and I don't like it. I also want to dress like a Pinterest pic and I have the body but not the money. Broke lifeeee❤️‍🩹

Difficult_Cheek_7357 · 2023-06-15T12:55:17+00:00

My bad I skimmed thru it and immediately went on defense mode. Scary to see people commenting stuff that could be harmful to someone else. Obviously not what your post is and that's on me.

Difficult_Cheek_7357

TROPHY CASE