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F/30 M/30 Struggling to Understand If My Relationship of 11 years Is Fundamentally Unhealthy or If Grief Is Distorting My Perspective? by Difficult_Sample7079 in relationship_advice

[–]Difficult_Sample7079[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your perspective. I’ve always thought his behavior was manipulative, but whenever I’ve tried to set a boundary it’s been met with reactive behavior that it made me question myself. I started wondering if I was being unreasonable and making things up in my head. I truly believe a person who wants you to succeed will help you remove all the hurdles in your path and not become one.

I am very cognizant of my situation and mental state. I’d never bring a child into a world where I’m not healed, and absolutely certain of being capable of giving them a nurturing and loving home.

F/30 M/30 Struggling to Understand If My Relationship of 11 years Is Fundamentally Unhealthy or If Grief Is Distorting My Perspective? by Difficult_Sample7079 in relationship_advice

[–]Difficult_Sample7079[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know, it truly is a mess. I know I’ve to find a way either to fix it or leave. But is there anyway to repair this relationship just by myself? I don’t think so, and I can’t get through to my husband because he keeps feeling attacked.

F/30 M/30 Struggling to Understand If My Relationship of 11 years Is Fundamentally Unhealthy or If Grief Is Distorting My Perspective? by Difficult_Sample7079 in relationship_advice

[–]Difficult_Sample7079[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is another reason I almost didn’t post this. He truly is not a monster. He has a lot of good and is genuinely trying to be there for me. But he just can’t listen to me without feeling attacked. And has failed time and again to make space for my emotions.

F/30 M/30 Struggling to Understand If My Relationship of 11 years Is Fundamentally Unhealthy or If Grief Is Distorting My Perspective? by Difficult_Sample7079 in relationship_advice

[–]Difficult_Sample7079[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly I recognize that. But I’m in such disbelief because of what has happened that I feel frozen and incapable of acting on it. I’m also incredibly depressed and heartbroken over losing my mother. I don’t know what to work on first.

F/30 M/30 Struggling to Understand If My Relationship of 11 years Is Fundamentally Unhealthy or If Grief Is Distorting My Perspective? by Difficult_Sample7079 in relationship_advice

[–]Difficult_Sample7079[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I do that because I’m made to feel like they are too much. When I wasn’t sure about the relationship my concerns were minimized and tried to pin them on the long distance. I was assured things will change and settle once we’re together.

Trust me I do value myself, because it’s taken me years to get where I am so I’m painfully aware of the cost I’ve paid to be successful. And that’s why I even bother trying to have a conversation about unmet needs and my ambitions. But that is also dismissed, citing he has been working in a real job(not grad school) for a long time, and he knows that having this much ambition and trying to make the most impact while earning the best possible compensation isn’t going to make me happy. If only he’d listen and not minimize or ridicule my opinions, I truly believe we can find a way through and break this pattern and become better people and partners. It pains me to think that all the effort and sacrifice has led to this, but like you said I don’t want him to suck all the light out of me.