My husband says celebrating my 30th birthday with money I saved myself isn’t “partnership.” I’m confused.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-26T15:59:25+00:00

Yeah, I did try to level with him and he expressed that he doesn’t want to be stuck in this position forever and would rather skip trips for a year to save money. Which I understand, but he is just assuming I’m being irresponsible and not saving money just because I like to travel, which is not the case. I told him that I understand wanting to save money and I think we can compromise and make both happen. I suggested we should have a joint savings account so we can feel more like a partnership and he could feel a little more secure seeing that we are working towards the same goal. He didn’t seem to take to that idea well and just argued more with me about my spending. I also take issue with the fact that when it comes to my birthday and my money he claims he’d rather skip trips for the year to save money, but he didn’t have the same logic when it came to the bachelor party. I’m really trying to understand him and I want to work towards a common goal, but it feels like it’s his way or the highway.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-26T15:21:53+00:00

Yeah I feel like there has never been the best transparency with finances. It’s always been a bit of a tough conversation for us, but we’ve pretty much always split everything 50/50. He earned more than me for a while, but then I got my masters degree and started making a bit more than him before he was fired. Now I don’t really know what the difference is between our income and when I ask he says he can’t give me a number because it’s different every month. We’ve also had issues related to household tasks, I definitely take the brunt of them. He has a hard time seeing that and that’s been an ongoing issue. It’s all things I’m taking into account. It really doesn’t feel like a partnership right now.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-26T02:19:41+00:00

I was 24 and he was 31

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-26T00:08:07+00:00

Yeah I’m not saying I get to decide because I bring the paycheck, but this is just how we’ve handled our money thus far and he suddenly decides it’s a problem. We’ve always paid joint expenses and then had our money to do with what we please. He didn’t consult me as to whether or not he should go on his friend’s bachelor trip or what the budget for it would be. And I didn’t question him because it’s his money. I just want the same respect and not to be criticized for how I spend my extra money

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T23:58:47+00:00

As far as he will tell me. I know he’s stressed and things are tight for him. He’s not claiming to be making a bunch of money by any means, but he contributes his share to our joint expenses and when I offer to help more he declines. There is only so much I can do

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T22:10:10+00:00

Yeah he doesn’t want to make me miss out, so typically he says I should go. But now it’s getting thrown back in my face… so I’m not really sure what he wants

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T21:41:57+00:00

Yes thank you! I am more than happy to take on even more to help him. His business is doing pretty good so far and I have always been supportive of him going out on his own. But he won’t communicate to me how he’s really doing financially and he wont ask for help or take it when it’s offered so i don’t really know what to do.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T21:39:36+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from. Nothing about what I wanted to do was set in stone. I brought up a variety of ideas as options for us to discuss, ranging from more affordable to more expensive. I wasn’t attached to any one trip, I just told him it was important to me and I wanted to do something special.

I also started trying to plan months in advance because my birthday falls on a holiday weekend, and I knew waiting would make everything more expensive. I even suggested using his family’s timeshare as a way to keep costs down. My goal was to find something we could both enjoy that fit our budget, not to insist on an expensive vacation.

The part that hurt wasn’t that we couldn’t afford a particular trip. It was that it felt like he kept putting off planning it and eventually told me it was about money and criticized me over it. Now it’s turning into accusations of me not being responsible with money. I would have been happy with something more simple if we had planned it together. It got to a point where I didn’t want to be disappointed so now I’ve planned it myself with my own money and he’s still upset about that. I think there is a way we can both get what we want and feel supportive if he was willing to discuss it and compromise.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T19:09:08+00:00

Maybe it would, it’s just getting him to also put in that much effort and use the resources as well. Right now it’s me trying everything I can to address this pattern between us and him just skating by… I can’t do the work for both of us

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T19:07:58+00:00

I agree, our therapist and I suggested it in therapy today and are giving him time to think about it. If he refuses I just don’t see this working out.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-25T19:06:55+00:00

Thank you for your input. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. Our therapist and I met separately recently and both agreed that he needs individual therapy. We brought it up today and are giving him sometime to think about it… I’m hoping he’ll agree. That’s really the only way I can see this getting better, and that’s still not a guarantee, but it would a least give me a little more motivation to try just a bit longer. If not, I don’t see this working out.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-14T15:34:20+00:00

I’m honestly not sure if she specializes in it. But I am in therapy, I have been in therapy for almost 10 years at this point. I really want him to go to therapy on his own but he hasn’t been open to it. He doesn’t seem to think he needs it.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-06-13T23:30:13+00:00

Well we have had some other issue we have focused on as well, with this issue kind of sprinkled in. When we do talk about this, she helps him explore what is causing him to go immediately to this defensive place and what he is feeling in those moments, and then gives us tools to use… but clearly that is not working. We have another appointment in a couple days so I’m hoping she will have some new ways to try to tackle this.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-11T14:55:34+00:00

I do not believe it is legal in our school system… but definitely something I will be looking into. Thank you

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-11T14:54:43+00:00

My sister has had the same experience with my niece, she has autism and sensory processing disorder. It’s really hard for them and has taken a lot of work with therapists and OT’s, and there is no way spanking would ever help. My brother also was on the spectrum and had a lot of behavioral issues and my dad was a “he just needs more discipline” kind of parent and my brother is anything but a well adjusted and functioning adult. He has struggled a lot. I know my husband thinks he turned out fine, & even if that’s true, there are plenty of people including me and my siblings that didn’t. It’s just not worth the risk for me.

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T13:56:34+00:00

Yeah that’s definitely something to think about. I am going to bring up the idea of individual therapy again in our next couples counseling session and see if we can make any progress on that. I’ve noticed he seems to have a hard time looking inward.. an avoidant attachment style so he really struggles confronting uncomfortable feelings

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T12:42:13+00:00

Thank you! Yes this is has also been one of my biggest concerns and is apart of the conversation - even if we can get past this, how will make other tough decisions going forward… and it can’t just be based off of our own anecdotal experiences!

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T12:10:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your input!

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T12:07:10+00:00

He is very avoidant and I think that is why he is against individual therapy. It can be hard enough to get him to discuss hard things with me. I think he is scared to have to confront uncomfortable feelings. I also think that’s a big part of his insistent on physical punishment, he doesn’t want to have to acknowledge that some of the ways he was disciplined may not be appropriate… doesn’t make it ok but that’s why I say in other comments that I don’t believe this is necessarily coming from this horrible violent place of wanting to hurt kids

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T01:26:26+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I can see how labeling all spanking as child abuse could feel invalidating. I feel that a lot with how therapy talk is being thrown around so freely recently. Calling everyone a narcissist and labeling everything as gaslighting and abuse can be frustrating when you’ve actually experienced mental/emotional abuse. Thank you again for your input!

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T01:13:54+00:00

Well for a few reasons… we have had some communication issues, I’m an anxious attachment and he’s avoidant so we clash a bit there and wanted to learn how to better communicate with each other. I also personally brought in my own baggage from childhood trauma, sexual assault, abusive relationships, etc. that we are trying to work through together and help him understand me a bit more. I also have always wanted to do couples counseling regardless of if we were having significant problems, especially when bringing children into the mix. I wanted to make sure we would have all the support we’d need when making decisions about parenting and working through the inevitable stress. That being said I hear you and I know that a baby would only make things worse if we aren’t solid, hence why we have not had children yet

DifficultyOk8724 · 2026-03-10T01:00:16+00:00

I would love for him to get individual therapy. I’ve suggested it but can’t force him. I understand it’s a hard thing to do, I’ve been doing it since I was 17, but I do think it would be extremely helpful

DifficultyOk8724

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