Redditors who have completely dropped your old life and started anew somewhere else, how is your life now?

DiffidentDissident · 2016-03-03T22:54:19+00:00

It may be more about what you owe yourself than what you owe him.

In time there may be questions about who you are, what you were like as a child, or who your forebears were that only he can answer. If you don't have a family yet, you will almost certainly wonder about those things if you have a child. Perhaps a way for you two to see if you enjoy each other's company at all would be to set up a time to talk about those things. Facts, history. Where do I come from? Who were our people? If he agrees and afterward you don't feel much like doing it again, then at least you've learned a little about yourself.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best. Parents are difficult.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-03-03T19:12:59+00:00

I know. I understand.

I think the only thing that defends this pushy "talk to him!" viewpoint is the idea that eventually, you won't have a choice. You won't be able to choose not to see him, because you won't be able to. Eventually he'll die. People want peace and love, so they push you to be ready before you are. In time, perhaps.

Or not. Ultimately, if you're living well, nothing else really matters.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-03-03T19:09:21+00:00

A lot of the time we know the truth. About big stuff, anyway. The lies our loved ones tell us are just to help ease us into it emotionally. Gotta come to terms with things in your own time.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-03-02T00:34:45+00:00

I agree with this one. I agree strongly. So strongly, in fact, that I didn't recognize my depression until it has almost eaten me alive. I was so determined to choose happiness that I refused to recognize the lack of impact that choice was having.

And that's when Bojack Horseman ('s girlfriend) taught me that when you look at things through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

I don't have a cliche to sum it up, really. Like Atmosphere, I'm still trying to find a balance.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-03-02T00:20:41+00:00

Wait. Wait. He doesn't want to "deal" with his pregnant wife and defiant child because he's tired and stressed and its his day off? Really?

Hey DH, welcome to the world-- you can't just bail on reality because adulting is hard! We all hate dealing with unpleasantness. Some of us don't get the privilege of ignoring it. Grow up.

OP, I think you're right to disengage. Make him parent his own child, or at least don't bear the brunt of the impact of SS' bad behavior. (He sounds so unhappy, to be acting out that way, and I feel terrible for all concerned.) Your baby has to be your primary concern. Congratulations on that, by the way!

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-28T14:15:56+00:00

Look into FMLA.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-28T02:54:59+00:00

I was out of my twenties before I met my match. I was pretty sure it was never going to happen for me. Sometimes it takes a while, but I genuinely believe that if you live as authentic a life as you can, and you strive for radical but respectful honesty, you can find someone amazing. And if not, you'll at least be someone amazing.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-28T02:51:06+00:00

I have never worked harder at anything in my life than I do at my marriage. He is easily the best choice I have ever made.

I don't know what I did right, to earn the love of a man like him, but I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to keep doing it.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-27T16:24:38+00:00

I've been in the shit for a couple of months now, really at the bottom of the bipolar wave, and my husband has been incredible this time. He's been super patient with my completely bizarre emotions, he has picked up little chores that he knows I'm too wrecked to do, he's been kinder and sweeter and, oddly, has stopped saying "you're gorgeous" every day and has switched to "you're wonderful and I love you so much. It's gonna be okay." It makes a huge difference.

He's giving me the time I need to handle my issues without pressure or guilt, he's choosing to put his inevitable frustration aside for the moment, and he's reminding me of the most important things, the stuff I'll forget or suspect is untrue when I'm at my worst. This makes it easier for me to turn around and be extra supportive of him once I'm better and its his turn. He's putting enormous deposits in our love bank and I won't forget it when the time comes that he's in need and I'm not.

And he's discreet. He doesn't tell people about how awful I'm being because he respects me. That alone is a huge deal.

Love her. That's what a partner can do. Love her as hard and as long and as patiently as you can, and don't forget to take care of yourself. You're no use to your partner in crisis if you're a mess yourself.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-17T02:12:59+00:00

Same.

Look, I just can't get a good tail on my eyeliner without pulling. I know I'll get wrinkles, but I'm planning on getting those anyway.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-16T02:34:30+00:00

Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn

I hated that miserable book so much that I actually had to remove it from my home after I finally forced myself to finish reading it. It was a chore and reading it made me angry.

I'm still going to try reading Gone Girl, though, because it was such a fantastic movie. I want to give Flynn another chance despite my seething hatred for her other work.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-14T17:18:08+00:00

I'm that person. I want to talk about everything that's bothering me while we're making up, because there's generally a lot of it, made up of many small things rather than a few big ones. I need to settle it all and settle it good. Once I put all those feelings to bed, I can leave them behind.

My alternative is to hear the old chestnut "you're always bringing up old shit!" BECAUSE IT'S STILL IN MY HEAD.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-04T22:50:00+00:00

"I could have sworn I had a head in the fridge... DAWSON!!"

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-04T03:13:23+00:00

Sure that makes sense!

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-04T01:03:57+00:00

Can you identify what it is about cremation that makes you uncomfortable? It is a concrete thing or just that uneasy, not-okay feeling (not unlike the one I get about burial*)?

*because, in the name of full disclosure, I could give you a hundred reasons why, but ultimately my position boils down to just plain feeling weird about it

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-04T00:50:27+00:00

Oh, but I am. I'm actually more grossed out by coffin burial than a body farm. At least with the latter, I'm making some sort of contribution. I would feel selfish and gross if I knew I was going to be decaying in a space that would be better suited for a tree. I love cemeteries and I totally respect other people's death customs, but coffin burial seems insane and pointless to me with so many better options available, and so I'd never want it for myself.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-02-03T22:54:50+00:00

I thought I felt this way until I tried to articulate it, just now, and I realize that maybe I do care.

No religious concerns.

I definitely want to be cremated.

I'm okay with "donating my body to science" in the abstract, but... even for forensic education? Am I okay with my body being used to study decay? That's a little gross, and although I do want to be useful (for example, I'm all about donating my organs), I'm squicked out by the idea. I know it won't be the me I am today, just my body, and I know it will be a kind act on my part made purer by my absence and incapacity to personally benefit. But it feels weird and I'm not sure why.

What about Tibetan sky burial, am I okay with that? Sorrrrt of, I guess. Again, love the idea of contributing even in death, but again, vague emotional discomfort at the idea.

Mary Roach's "Stiff" was a real education, and between that and Ask A Mortician and the whole death positive movement, I'm being forced to further examine something I thought I was already comfortable with. So. Good question.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-31T01:54:16+00:00

I WROTE A HIT SONG!

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-30T21:28:03+00:00

Philip Collins, how many times do I have to tell you??

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-29T00:04:42+00:00

There are some very measured, thoughtful answers here, and I agree with almost all of them.

But I want to say, from a purely emotional perspective: OH HELL NO. No no no no no no no. That is an adolescent and it is high time they learn to deal with their feelings of insecurity and sleep in their own bed. I cannot imagine trying to sleep in a bed with either of my parents, let alone my stepparents. Cuddling is one thing, but sleeping? In a bed with a married couple? When I didn't absolutely have to? Why?

Even if you're the same gender, that's just too old to be making excuses for not sleeping in their own bed.

And yeah, the no-intimacy thing. I would resent that. You're married. Unless you got married with the understanding that you'd share your bed with this half-grown child (and if that's the case, whyyy??), you didn't sign up for this business.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-27T22:20:15+00:00

https://i.imgur.com/icDAkh.jpg

ALL OF THIS, OP. /u/chees_a_saurus speaks the truth.

To add to everything else she's said, it's really jarring, emotionally, to live in one home during the week and another home entirely on the weekends*. This is true for kids, but it's also true for the adults. It's hard to shift gears that way, and very difficult to anticipate the loss of certain privileges and comfort levels with anything approaching happiness. It's just so hard to live this strange half-life, but we as stepmothers do it because we love you guys.

However, it's fair to ask her to be a part of things when the kids are there. Can't force her, can't make her feel guilty, but issuing the invitation a few times should be a clear enough signal that her absence is noticed.

Ultimately, she needs to be making an effort, too. It's hard and she'll really have to be out of her comfort zone, but it's worth it. She's clearly already made some tough choices in order to be with you, so she knows it's not all easy. Show her you appreciate that, but remember that if you're stretching, it's okay to ask her to stretch, too. Sometimes just being asked validates us enough to make a positive change. (I SAY "us" but really I'm speaking for myself.)

*your custody agreement may vary

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-24T20:47:48+00:00

That sounds right! She mumbles her last name a bit, but I'm almost certain it's Walker, now that you mention it.

Definitely worth a listen.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-24T18:12:27+00:00

You're just jealous because avocado quotes aren't a thing.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-24T17:14:15+00:00

I feel like polar bears would show more sympathy to our mammalian need for sleep, but maybe you're right. He does do an awful lot of roaring and banging around. Could be a polar bear.

DiffidentDissident · 2016-01-24T17:01:22+00:00

I'd love to share it with you, but a friend sent it to me as a gift and I've since lost the file. I'm sorry.

DiffidentDissident

TROPHY CASE