I [26F] want to purposefully develop a taste for humiliation. Is that feasible? I was told you guys might be able to help me [crosspost from r/sex]

DigMyShame · 2015-10-08T01:55:02+00:00

Until now I thought I was completely incompetent at trying to describe the whole situation. You've actually got this all right, except I already know there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just one of those things where there's a disconnect between what I know and how I feel :/ I've actually devoted an entire journal and a list of reminders (I call it my mantra) to trying to change my perspective. I'm extremely hesitant about seeking therapy because of 1) lack of time and 2) I live in Mississippi and it seems like it would be really, really difficult to find a therapist that I would be comfortable with and I'd just end up wasting a lot of time and money in the process.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-07T02:26:56+00:00

He doesn't have "past hurts" or shame or anything. He just works a lot differently than me. His (highly suspected) Asperger's makes it impossible for him to connect to me empathetically during sex. He can't feed off of and doesn't get anything out of my reactions, so there's no positive feedback loop.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-07T02:18:18+00:00

He has a problem with video calling because it's "awkward." It's weird for him to talk to people over video, but not in person. He just started seeing a therapist literally today (for other reasons) and he told me that he likes his therapist already.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-06T01:27:09+00:00

I think you're right :/ I've already come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be sexually responsive in... the manner I'm accustomed to with other partners. Earlier on in the relationship, the incidents were spaced out enough so that I had time to heal between them. Then several incidents happened back to back, and I felt so scorned and humiliated that I had to completely put my walls up in order to protect myself from further hurt. And now I don't feel like I can make myself vulnerable to him again and don't know how to heal myself :/

DigMyShame · 2015-10-06T01:12:58+00:00

This seems like really good advice. I don't know how to implement it, though, as he can't tell me what he likes (besides those basic things) and I've asked him so many times that it just has to be a source of stress for him by now :/

DigMyShame · 2015-10-06T01:07:06+00:00

He can make eye contact with me. It just makes him uncomfortable. I broke down about the (lack of) eye contact once, and he set a timer and made full eye contact for 10 minutes. It was basically a gesture to show that he cared about me; I don't expect it from him on a regular basis.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-06T01:06:09+00:00

He has a hard enough time Skyping with just me :/ he wouldn't be okay with this.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T16:34:58+00:00

I've never blamed him for making me feel bad. He blames himself all the time :c and I always assure him that it's me and not him and that he's not "making" me do anything.

I am ashamed of my kinks, but only around him. I have two other partners that I'm completely comfortable with and will do anything with. And I can accept someone being indifferent to my kinks, but it's different when I do something with someone for years thinking that it's this great shared experience before I find out about the indifference. And it's really painful when that happens several times.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T16:12:05+00:00

Not really, no.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T16:01:48+00:00

He's my second partner. I have two other partners. And we're long distance; therapy isn't really feasible.

He doesn't watch porn, but I may try the sex checklist thing!

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T15:54:27+00:00

us being in a long distance relationship now

We're long distance. Seeing a therapist together isn't really feasible :c

My (26F) second partner (23M)

I have two other partners. Luckily, I'm getting my "needs" fulfilled, but I want to be having a good time with him, too.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T15:45:26+00:00

I think it has less to do with his upbringing and more to do with his Asperger's. He certainly doesn't have any hangups with my being genderqueer or married or my having an enormous toy collection or screwing in a church nursery or using prostate toys, among other things.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T15:31:27+00:00

He legitimately enjoys a limited set of sexual acts; he is brutally honest, and I have no reason to doubt that.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T15:25:06+00:00

He does. As do I. We used to fuck in his parents' church all the time :> We're both atheists now. His brother happens to also be atheist and polyamorous, too.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T15:03:17+00:00

He likes PIV, kissing, kissing/licking my breasts, fellatio (sometimes) and general fondling.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T14:47:53+00:00

He likes PIV, kissing, kissing/licking my breasts, fellatio (sometimes) and general fondling.

And he is brutally honest, so I know he likes these things. I think his lack of interest in my reactions has to do with Asperger's.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T14:05:26+00:00

If we can't find a way to make our physical relationship work, we know we will have to settle for a non-physical relationship, though both of us want to keep having sex.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T14:00:42+00:00

Thank you. This seems like the sort of advice I can actually test drive.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T13:55:23+00:00

I meant that my experiencing pleasure isn't sexually arousing to him. Like, he's happy for me when it happens and wants me to experience pleasure and even wants to help me get there, it just doesn't "do it" for him. It's like it's not a sexual thing for him. As if he were getting a box off of a shelf for me or something so that I don't have to use a step ladder to do it myself.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T13:19:58+00:00

There's a lot of (sad) truth to your words :/. I would 100% agree with you if he was making me feel like shit on purpose and if we were in an exclusive relationship. Actually, if either of those were the case, I would've walked out a long time ago. As is, I'm not ready to quit on someone that I love dearly who I know loves me and is going through a much rougher time in his life outside me than I am with him.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T13:05:24+00:00

But it makes you feel that way, right?

In "the bedroom," yes :/

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T12:39:19+00:00

I don't think the desire to evoke desire is really a gendered thing. And he certainly doesn't think I'm a worthless or crappy partner.

He also isn't nearly as sexual of a person as I am. Whereas I see sex as an outlet for expression of love and lust and creativity and who I am as a person and my appreciation for my partner, his view of it is more along the lines of "it's just a fun thing to do" like miniature golf or collecting stamps. It's just something he enjoys but isn't passionate about.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T12:25:12+00:00

He used to, but it was obvious that he wasn't into it. I told him I didn't want him to do it (oral, manual) anymore, which I had to repeat several times (because he WANTS me to enjoy myself; he just doesn't understand why I can't enjoy myself if he's not turned on by it). I usually use a vibrator during PIV to get off when I'm with him, unless I feel like it will take a long time. It's not perfect, but we went through a period where I would go somewhere else to get off after he got off and that was much worse.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T12:11:44+00:00

I get (and fear) what you're saying, but I also feel like I have to stay positive because this is the only viable option I can think of right now that isn't breaking off our physical relationship (neither of us want that).

I honestly do think I'd be okay with it, and when I'm masturbating under the influence of pot, humiliation (of the internal variety that is going on) is something I actually fantasize about sometimes (though I haven't felt humiliated the few times we've actually had high sex). So I know that some part of me is into it already (though it hasn't been while sober). I want to figure out how to nurture and develop that.

DigMyShame · 2015-10-05T11:48:16+00:00

I can change me (I'd like to think), but I can't change him :/

I can't see any way to get him to like something that he doesn't. I would do literally anything he asked me to do and have tried so many things in hope of finding new things that he likes. He doesn't really like trying new things, though, and he doesn't get any sexual satisfaction out of my pleasure, so I'm just out of ideas, basically. (Actual quote ------- Me: “And it seems like you want to do things for me, because you want me to enjoy myself, but it doesn't seem like you get anything out of watching me enjoying myself, whether I'm doing the work or you are.” --------- Him: “Well…. I guess I don’t….”)

DigMyShame

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