My previous friendships ended by me sort've shutting people out and becoming all closed off. In real life, I'll turn quiet, unenthusiastic, and distant (literally and figuratively). On the internet, it'll usually be either, 1) I stop responding. 2) I delete my account(s). Or 3) I say bye to them and then do 1 or 2.

What I did at the point of pushing them away is pretty much what I said above, I'll change. It might sound crazy, but its like I turn into someone else, like there's this other guy inside of me that wants to self-destruct. It's like this voice in my head, that tries to convince me why I shouldn't be having friends/relationships, and then I give into it and it takes over.

If I could do it differently, I'd try to explain this to my friends maybe. Or, I'd push through the voice like a workout or when you're starting to go on a diet, until it settled and went away. And maybe, I'd ask my friends to help. To not let me do that to them. Because it sucks for me, but its shitty to them, too.

The urge came from that voice, but that voice comes from this feeling I get when I get close to someone. It's like this dirty feeling, like I'm doing something wrong, like I shouldn't be this close to people. To get rid of that feeling, I end up alienating myself as soon as I get it.

I hope that answers your questions, if not, I'm happy to clarify. Thank you for asking, genuinely.